At a Batfamily meeting…
Red Robin: *nudging and whispering* How’d you do that?
Red Hood: *whispering back* Do what?
Red Robin: *sounding impressed* You were, like, ten feet away from the brat.
Red Hood: *sounding innocent* What are you talking about?
Red Robin: *smirking* I know what I saw.
Red Hood: *grinning* What did you see?
Red Robin: *shrugging* I don’t know. Nothing.
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
A little while later…
Damian: ….
Damian: -Tt-
Damian: TOOOOODDDDDDDD!
Dick: You smited somebody?
Damian: Smote. The past tense of smite is smote.
Getting off duty and finding an intruder in your apartment be like…
Dick: *walking into the dark kitchen, taking off his BPD uniform*
Dick: *pauses when he notices the light*
Dick: *carefully grabs an escrima stick from a hidden compartment in the cupboard*
Dick: *prepares to pounce on the intruder behind the open refrigerator door…*
Dick: aaaaAAHHHH… Huh?
Red Hood: *blinks*
Dick: *blinks*
Red Hood: *mouth stuffed with donuts and face covered in sugar sprinkles*
Red Hood: What are you, the donut police? Because if you are, you’re legally bound to tell me, or else it’s entrapment.
Don’t judge your brother, Dick. Beating up criminals can really build up an appetite.
Getting off duty and finding an intruder in your apartment be like…
Dick: *walking into the dark kitchen, taking off his BPD uniform*
Dick: *pauses when he notices the light*
Dick: *carefully grabs an escrima stick from a hidden compartment in the cupboard*
Dick: *prepares to pounce on the intruder behind the open refrigerator door…*
Dick: aaaaAAHHHH… Huh?
Red Hood: *blinks*
Dick: *blinks*
Red Hood: *mouth stuffed with donuts and face covered in sugar sprinkles*
Red Hood: What are you, the donut police? Because if you are, you’re legally bound to tell me, or else it’s entrapment.
Don’t judge your brother, Dick. Beating up criminals can really build up an appetite.
Dick: …
Tim: *two black eyes and a broken arm*
Damian: *three missing teeth*
Dick: *sighs and gestures to two chairs in front of him*
Dick: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle and loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re both wrong.
Tim: *in shock* And when I dropped Damian off at the Academy, he even gave me a hug.
Jason: Did he think you were choking, or… ?
Mornings at the Manor…
Tim: *covering a bruised eye*
Dick: *hugging him consolingly*
Jason: *heading to the refrigerator to grab an ice pack while trying to suppress his laughter*
Bruce and Alfred: *glaring disappointedly*
Damian: *guarding a platter of tofu* It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing! I skipped kindergarten!
When your eldest brother asks you to look after his Blüdhaven apartment while he’s away on a mission…
Red Robin: Oh, come on, Dick’s a grown man. He can take care of himself.
Red Hood: *opens the refrigerator to reveal a bottle of curdy milk, a half-eaten sandwich, and a bowl of soggy Cheerios*
Red Hood: *looking unimpressed* You really believe that?
When Tim met Damian (an alternative version)…
Damian: *spots Tim sleeping by the Batcomputer* -Tt-
Damian: *nudges him* Wake up.
Tim: *wide-eyed and looking around the Batcave in a panic*
Tim: *wiping slobber off his face* Who in the world are you?
Damian: I’m your new brother.
Tim: Are you from the orphanage or do I really not undersand how babies are born?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
But you do understand how Robins work, right?
Mornings at the Batcave…
Tim: *downing a cup of espresso* Okay, we all know why we’re here, right?
Dick: *still in just boxer shorts, yawning and shaking his head*
Jason: *groans* No. Why?
Tim: To fight Damian, the bully. That tiny tween has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can’t promise you victory. I can’t promise you good times. But the one thing I do know –
Dick and Jason: *head back to the Manor*
Tim: Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
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