Tag: incorrect batfamily quotes

When you ask your adoptive son how you can make up for all those lost years and he eagerly pulls out the new “Batman: Arkham Knight” game…

Jason: In the hunky robotic suit with adorable pointy ears, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this Manor, the amazeballs Jason Todd! *whistles and cheers*

Bruce: Hn.

Jason: And in the black, leather BatSpanx, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats – oh, correction, humiliating defeats, all of them by –

Bruce: Must you do this every time?

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

That he must, Bats. That he must.

Teaching your older brother an ancient form of meditation sacred to a line of assassins be like…

Damian: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.

Jason: Okay.

Damian: Embrace nothingness.

Jason: You got it.

Damian: Become like an uncarved stone.

Jason: Done.

Damian: Todd! You’re just pretending to know what I’m talking about!

Jason: True.

Damian: -Tt- It’s very frustrating!

Jason: I’ll bet.

Family Patrol Night…

Batman: *setting up surveillance equipment on the rooftop*

Robin: *watching the traffic down below while perched atop a gargoyle*

Nightwing: *balancing on the ledge (y’know, upside-down and on one hand, the yoosh)*

Red Robin: Jay, I have a riddle for you. What’s the sound of one hand clapping?

Red Hood: Piece of cake. *opens and closes his fist quickly, which makes a faint sound*

Red Robin: No, man. It’s a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.

Red Hood: No answer? Timmy, listen up. *quickly opens and closes his fist again*

Batman: Hn. *smirks*

Nightwing: *giggles and almost loses his balance*

Robin: -Tt-

Tim: *whispering* What’s your hurry?

Jason: *grabbing his leather jacket and kicking three-day-old garbage underneath the sofa* This place is depressing.

Dick: *yelling from the kitchen* Hey! I live here!

Jason: *yelling back* And I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it!

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

Maybe if you cleaned up once in a while before these family visits, Nightwing…

Batman: *crouching on the ground in pain as Bane towers over him* Think you’ve got guts?

Batman: *wipes blood off his mouth* Try raising my sons!

In which the confusion on Bane’s face gives Batman a window of opportunity to take the hulking villain down.

Jason: Hey, brat, do you have to sit so close to the TV? Back up or it’ll hurt your eyes.

Damian: It will not.

Jason: *holding his fist up* Oh, yes, it will.

Damian: *slowly turns his head away from the TV to glare at his older brother*

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

Narrator’s Voice: Oh, something hurt indeed. And someone learned a valuable lesson that afternoon.

Mornings at the Manor…

Tim and Damian: *bickering at the breakfast table*

Bruce: Quiet, you two! If I hear one more word, Tim doesn’t get to drink coffee and Damian doesn’t get to go on patrol.

Tim: Bruce!

Damian: Father!

Bruce: Not. One. Word.

Tim and Damian: *start insulting each other by lightly tapping spoons and banging salt and pepper shakers*

Bruce: I thought I told you two to knock it off.

Tim: We didn’t say anything!

Damian: Not one word!

Bruce: Well, no Morse code either.

Damian [on the Comm Link]: Todd, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Red Hood: *reloading his guns while hiding behind barrels as bullets whizz past him* Uh, isn’t this the kind of thing Alfred’s better at?

Damian: I called him. He’s not home. I also tried Father, Grayson, Drake, Brown, Thomas, and the Commissioner, Barbara’s father.

Red Hood: *twisting a criminal’s arm and throwing another across the wall* Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.