Bruce and Talia: *watching as their son gracefully decapitates animal-shaped shrubbery on the Manor grounds*
Talia: It’s a good time to tell you that I dropped Damian on his head when he was one.
And so we are thankful for this thing called “character development”.
When your father and grandfather leave you and your brothers alone at the Manor…
Damian: *sees “52 missed calls” on his cellphone screen*
Damian: -Tt-
Damian: How irresponsible do they think we are?
Jason: *shrugs* Sometimes Alfred leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.
Trying to figure out Batman’s laptop password be like…
Tim: When you first started dating him, what was his nickname for you?
Selina: “Sexy pants”.
Tim: Ew. The other one?
Selina: “Kitty”.
In which Timmy’s scarred for life.
When you’re called to the principal’s office at Gotham Academy to discuss your youngest son…
Bruce: It can be challenging to find playmates for an exceptional child such as Damian. And I don’t mean to brag, but that’s why I didn’t have any friends growing up.
“I just don’t understand why Clark wouldn’t just say, ‘Save my mother’ instead of ‘Save Martha.’ The whole thing is just silly.”
Luthor: Martha, Martha, Martha. Well, the mother of a flying demon must be a witch. And the punishment for witches – what is that? That’s right. Death by fire.
Luthor: If you kill me, Martha dies. And if you fly away, Martha also dies. But if you kill the Bat, Martha lives.
Bruce: [with disgust] I bet your parents taught you that you mean something, that you’re here for a reason. My parents taught me a different lesson. Dying in the gutter. For no reason at all.
Clark: Save Martha.
Bruce: Why did you say that name?
Lois: It’s his mother’s name.
These six lines demonstrate the layers needed to get Bruce to his realization. He knows Superman has parents. He is not interested. Luthor knows Superman has a mother and uses her against him, dehumanizing her completely as he does so. Clark begs for Martha to be saved for who she is, not for her relationship to him, since Luthor and Bruce have both made it quite clear that the mother of a flying demon doesn’t matter. Bruce realizes Martha is his mother. Lois – a human, a woman throwing herself in front of a gun/spear to save someone she loves – says “It’s his mother’s name” like it’s the most important thing in the world. And it is. And Bruce is wrong. And he crumples.
You cannot watch BVS and think you can just forget all the dialogue that’s come before and then turn around and claim it doesn’t make sense. It is all right there, you lazybones.
YES.
Batman’s secret to longevity?
Bruce: I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists at S.T.A.R. Labs say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
When Batgrandpa gets fed up (because you’re wrecking all the furniture in the Manor)…
Alfred: All of you be. Quiet.
Alfred: Master Timothy, Miss Stephanie’s mad because you said “awesome sauce” instead of “I love you, too”.
Alfred: Miss Stephanie, he loves you. Stop being a child.
Alfred: Master Dick, you’re clearly at fault here. Blaming Master Jason won’t save you.
Alfred: And, Master Jason, we both know you were hanging out with Bizarro instead of watching over Master Damian like you promised.
Alfred: So. *looks around at his stunned grandchildren, who are bruised and battered from trying to “resolve” things earlier*
Alfred: Everyone apologize to everyone else. Now.
—
What would this family do without him?
Alfred: *hears the floor creak behind him*
Alfred: *turns around to see a deer caught in the headlights* And, you, Master Bruce, may not be excused.
Oh, ancient Wayne Manor floor, you are a traitor.
When refugee superheroes need a place to stay and Batman (under Alfred’s insistence, naturally) reluctantly invites them over to the Manor…
Green Lantern: *looks around to find practically every bedroom or remotely sleepable surface occupied*
Green Lantern: I’m just gonna sleep on the floor.
Batman: It’s called the “ground” when it’s outside.
Don’t be mean, Bats.
Also, don’t you make these green things called constructs, Hal?
Bruce: Alfred refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is. He’s even had it redacted on all government documents.
Because he can.
Also, I couldn’t help but remember some of my favorite Bruce and Alfred moments in “Injustice: Gods Among Us” comics with this one. *smiles fondly at memory*
When you teach your sons how to be financially responsible and ask them to present an account of their expenses…
Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian *hand over haphazardly stacked pieces of paper*
Bruce: Hn.
Bruce: Most of these aren’t even receipts. This one says, “I bought a Robmobile, 2010″.
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