Getting off duty and finding an intruder in your apartment be like…
Dick: *walking into the dark kitchen, taking off his BPD uniform*
Dick: *pauses when he notices the light*
Dick: *carefully grabs an escrima stick from a hidden compartment in the cupboard*
Dick: *prepares to pounce on the intruder behind the open refrigerator door…*
Dick: aaaaAAHHHH… Huh?
Red Hood: *blinks*
Dick: *blinks*
Red Hood: *mouth stuffed with donuts and face covered in sugar sprinkles*
Red Hood: What are you, the donut police? Because if you are, you’re legally bound to tell me, or else it’s entrapment.
Don’t judge your brother, Dick. Beating up criminals can really build up an appetite.
Tag: jason todd
Tim: *in shock* And when I dropped Damian off at the Academy, he even gave me a hug.
Jason: Did he think you were choking, or… ?
Mornings at the Manor…
Tim: *covering a bruised eye*
Dick: *hugging him consolingly*
Jason: *heading to the refrigerator to grab an ice pack while trying to suppress his laughter*
Bruce and Alfred: *glaring disappointedly*
Damian: *guarding a platter of tofu* It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing! I skipped kindergarten!
When your eldest brother asks you to look after his Blüdhaven apartment while he’s away on a mission…
Red Robin: Oh, come on, Dick’s a grown man. He can take care of himself.
Red Hood: *opens the refrigerator to reveal a bottle of curdy milk, a half-eaten sandwich, and a bowl of soggy Cheerios*
Red Hood: *looking unimpressed* You really believe that?
Mornings at the Batcave…
Tim: *downing a cup of espresso* Okay, we all know why we’re here, right?
Dick: *still in just boxer shorts, yawning and shaking his head*
Jason: *groans* No. Why?
Tim: To fight Damian, the bully. That tiny tween has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can’t promise you victory. I can’t promise you good times. But the one thing I do know –
Dick and Jason: *head back to the Manor*
Tim: Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
When you ask your adoptive son how you can make up for all those lost years and he eagerly pulls out the new “Batman: Arkham Knight” game…
Jason: In the hunky robotic suit with adorable pointy ears, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this Manor, the amazeballs Jason Todd! *whistles and cheers*
Bruce: Hn.
Jason: And in the black, leather BatSpanx, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats – oh, correction, humiliating defeats, all of them by –
Bruce: Must you do this every time?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
That he must, Bats. That he must.
Unpacking at the new safe house…
Jason: *holding an old, tattered photo in his hands*
Roy: *catches a glimpse of what looks like green spandex briefs when light briefly hits the photo*
Jason: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo?
Roy: *grabby hands* Okay!
Jason: Cross your heart and hope to die?
Roy: Yep!
Jason: Stick a needle in your eye?
Roy: Uh-huh!
Jason: Jam a dagger in your thigh?
Roy: Yeeeeees!
Jason: Eat a horse manure pie?
Roy: *thinks for a second* Sure!
Teaching your older brother an ancient form of meditation sacred to a line of assassins be like…
Damian: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Jason: Okay.
Damian: Embrace nothingness.
Jason: You got it.
Damian: Become like an uncarved stone.
Jason: Done.
Damian: Todd! You’re just pretending to know what I’m talking about!
Jason: True.
Damian: -Tt- It’s very frustrating!
Jason: I’ll bet.
Family Patrol Night…
Batman: *setting up surveillance equipment on the rooftop*
Robin: *watching the traffic down below while perched atop a gargoyle*
Nightwing: *balancing on the ledge (y’know, upside-down and on one hand, the yoosh)*
Red Robin: Jay, I have a riddle for you. What’s the sound of one hand clapping?
Red Hood: Piece of cake. *opens and closes his fist quickly, which makes a faint sound*
Red Robin: No, man. It’s a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Red Hood: No answer? Timmy, listen up. *quickly opens and closes his fist again*
Batman: Hn. *smirks*
Nightwing: *giggles and almost loses his balance*
Robin: -Tt-
Tim: *whispering* What’s your hurry?
Jason: *grabbing his leather jacket and kicking three-day-old garbage underneath the sofa* This place is depressing.
Dick: *yelling from the kitchen* Hey! I live here!
Jason: *yelling back* And I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it!
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Maybe if you cleaned up once in a while before these family visits, Nightwing…
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