When your prodigal son lays down his guns, takes off his red hood, and comes back to the Manor for a while…
Batman: *clutching his chest* I… I feel like I’m go- going to explode into a m-million shiny p-pieces, Alfred…
Alfred: *grinning* I believe that’s called “joy”, Master Bruce.
Batman: You know what I hate most in the world?
Red Hood: Kittens? Laughter?
Batmobile: *screeches to a halt in front of Selina’s apartment building*
Bruce: *comes out in a partially unbottoned dress shirt and a skewed necktie, holding a bouquet of petal-less roses*
Selina:
Bruce: *grins sheepishly*
Selina: What use is a jet-powered vehicle with missle launchers if it can’t get you to a dinner reservation on time?
Batman: *typing away on the Watchtower’s mainframe computer while rest of the Justice League excitedly pack for their annual team building trip*
Green Lantern [to The Flash]: I can’t even picture Bats on vacation. I bet he doesn’t even own shorts.
See, playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne goes on vacation all the time. Reclusive vigilante Batman? Not so much.
When you start dating this intriguing and mysterious person and ask when you can meet their family…
Member of the Batfamily: You’ll meet my family when I want to punish or torture you.
Bruce and Dick: *arguing in the Batcave*
Tim [to Alfred]: Is it weird that I find the sound of their bickering comforting?
Because bickering means on speaking terms, safe for now, still alive.
Romantic road trip in the Batmobile…
Selina [to Bruce]: Why drive this chick magnet when you’ve already found the woman of your dreams?
Reporting to Batman after patrol…
Batman: *glaring*
Red Hood: *making popping noises with his mouth*
Batman: *GLARING*
Red Hood: Hey, nobody exploded. For me, that’s a pretty good night.
Batman: *walks into the Watchtower’s Hall of Justice*
Batman: *narrows his eyes* Hn.
Batman: *swiftly turns on the light*
Everyone: SURPRISE, BRUCE!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! *confetti explosions, colorful bat-shaped balloons, tooting horns*
Batman: *wide-eyed, open-mouthed and motionless*
Wonder Woman: *checks him for a pulse*
Superman: *whispers in his ear* I know it’s your specialty, but let’s try not to overthink this one, okay?
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Aww, you guys! Don’t scare him like that.
When you’re new to the crime game and pick the wrong city to start playing in…
At a Gotham precinct…
Criminal 1: *with two black eyes and in handcuffs, newly booked and seated next to another criminal in handcuffs*
Criminal 2 [about Batman]: *grinning and missing three teeth* Did he follow you down an alley and jump on you, too? He does that.
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