When he’s fed up with Jason…
Roy: How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?!
Tag: big brother of the year
Undercover as police officers…
Roy: Look, it obviously starts with… “You have the right to remain silent…”
Jason: *whispering* “You have the right to an attorney.”
Roy [to thug]: You have the right to remain… an attorney.
Thug: Did you just say “You have the right to be an attorney”?
Roy: You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.
Jason: *groans*
Red Hood v Red Robin: Dawn of Science…
Jason: Tim, at Gotham University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope.
Jason: Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe.
Jason: Tim, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.
To each his own…
Red Robin: *enters pass code*
Computer: ACCESS DENIED
Red Hood: Let me try mine.
Red Hood: *raises grenade launcher*
Red Hood [to thug]: I bark.
Red Hood: That kid there, see him? *points to Robin*
Red Hood: He bites.
Reconciling with your best friend (and trying to play it cool) be like…
Jason: So, how about we make a couple of ground rules.
Roy: Actually, that sounds good. Okay, no hugs.
Jason: Wouldn’t want one. No apologies.
Roy: Wouldn’t accept one.
When you overstay your welcome at Red Hood’s safe house…
Jason: *hopping over mounds of bloody patrol suits and broken weapons while picking up dirty dishes*
Tim and Damian: *playing Injustice 2 on Xbox while yelling threats at each other*
Dick: *pouring milk on his cereal and spilling some on the carpet*
Jason: I don’t know when I became a dad to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning this place up, top to bottom!
Dick: Hey, we don’t even live here!
Jason: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Family Meeting
Dick: Welcome to the family, Duke!
Dick: There’s a few important things you need to know as you’re taking this exciting new step in your life!
Duke [whispering]: Why does he sound like a college tour guide?
Barbara [whispering]: Shh. Just let him have this.
Dick: First requirement for any Robin–
Duke: I’m not a Robin, though–
Dick: First requirement for any Robin is a tragic backstory. Do YOU have a tragic backstory?
Steph: Aw, great. Now he sounds like Dora the Explorer.
Tim: This entire conversation is a tragic backstory.
Duke: Uh…
Dick: Don’t wanna talk about it? That’s perfectly fine! We’ll wring it out of ya sooner or later, buddy! Second thing you need are ‘Daddy Issues’.
Jason [deadpan]: If you don’t have any, some will be provided for you.
Tim [equally deadpan]: Just spend an hour with Bruce.
Steph: Yeah, why d’you think Dami’s so messed up?
Damian: Hey!
Duke: What? No, I love my–
Dick: The third thing every Robin needs is ‘patience’. I need to know that if I drag you out of bed at 3am for a late-night dance party, you won’t be annoyed. I need to know that if Tim’s using your helmet as a coffee mug, and if Steph paints your suit purple, and if Jason asks you for cash twelve times in a row–
Jason: Man’s gotta eat.
Steph: You literally spend it all on Sour Patch gummies.
Jason: Yeah. So?
Dick: –that you can take it. And take it in stride. Do you think you have what it takes, Robin Number Six?
Duke: I’m not a Robin, man.
Steph: Oh ho. Is that right?
Steph: Well, then. Do you prance around in ridiculously bright tights?
Duke: They’re not–I don’t…um.
Barbara: Do you always do what Bruce says?
Duke: That’s not–
Damian: Even though you may secretly resent it?
Duke: Well–
Tim: Do you spend your free nights staring at the ceiling as you have another existential crisis about your place in the world and what would happen if one day you just finally snapped?
The others:
Duke:
Duke: Um. No, to that one.
Dick: Yeah, same here. BUT. Do you ever have an inexplicable urge to drive the Batmobile?
Duke: I…actually…
Jason: Do you dish out quips with the best of ’em?
Duke: Yeah, man. I guess. But…
Tim [leaning forward]: Then you are. You are Robin.
Jason [mumbling]: One of us…One of us…
Dick: ONE OF US
Steph: ONE OF US
Damian: One of us.
Tim: ONE OF US
Jason: ONE OF US
Barbara: Don’t worry, Duke. If these guys are freaking you out too much, you could always come and be a Batgirl.
Cass: *nods*
Duke: *facepalms*
Alfred: Alright, everyone. I have the cookies that were requested.
Everyone: YAY!!!
Duke [pulling out his phone as the others devour the treats]: Siri, do the voice log thing.
SIRI: Recording now.
Duke: *sighs* Day forty-seven. I have yet to find a successful escape route. My prospects are looking grim…
*giggling*
Red Hood: Bruce, Alfred, I have made a very important decision. I’m moving out.
Robin: Yes.
Red Hood: And moving in with Roy and Bizarro.
Alfred: My goodness.
Batman: *grunts*
Arsenal: Oh, yeaaah. Video games and beer all day and all night…
Artemis: *knocking on the door and entering* Oh, I’m sorry.
Artemis [to Jason]: Can I talk to you for a second? It’s kind of important.
Red Hood: *walks out of the room with Artemis*
Arsenal: *rolls his eyes* Talk about your third wheel.
After finding out that Red Hood’s a former Robin…
Superman: I know this comes as a shock to you –
Batman: Please, Clark. If I had a nickel for every time one of my sons died, got resurrected by an assassin overlord’s daughter, and came back as a lethal antihero, I’d haVE A NICKEL!
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