Tim: *feeling ‘er up* Ever since yesterday, I can’t stop thinking about you. I mean, I’ve known you practically the whole summer. I want you. I want you so bad.
Steph: Tim, it’s a car.
Jason: *pulls Steph aside* Let’s just leave these two kids alone.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Yup. Newly customized Redbird from Foxteca just arrived at the Manor.
At the start of the training sessions in the “Robin War” story arc…
Agent 37: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Robin Club. The first rule of Robin Club is: you do not talk about Robin Club.
Red Hood: The second rule of Robin Club is: you do not talk about Robin Club.
Red Robin: The third rule of Robin Club: someone yells “stop”, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.
Agent 37: The fourth rule: only two Robins to a fight. The fifth rule: one fight at a time, guys and gals. The sixth rule: no shirts, no shoes. The seventh rule: fights will go on as long as they have to.
Robin: And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first night at Robin Club, you have to fight.
Nightwing [on the Comm Link]: *on his motorcycle, tailing them* Did you two just push Tim out of the moving Batmobile and yell, “You’re out of the team”?!
Red Hood: Now, in hindsight, that does seem kind of rash.
Robin: *pulling into a Batburger drive-through* It was kind of a snap decision.
A Guide By Tim Drake Wayne PhD (Department of Family Dysfunction)
1. Sedate the wild Damian.
The wild Damian, or Demonicus damiansis, can often be found in one of two places – in his chambers, where he can be found painting, meditating, or grooming his animals, or in the Cave, pestering his progenitor.
2. Approach the wild Damian
This is best done with food. The creature is most attracted to hummus and pita bread, but is also partial to peanuts.
3. Avoid the Mother-Brother (Lovebugis dickus)
It should be noted that the Damian is a juvenile, and is thus under the protection of a most hysterical mother-brother amalgamation. This creature is called Dick Grayson, and should be carefully dealt with.
4. Distract the Mother-Brother
The Dick Grayson ceature can be drawn away with mention of another sibling-creature, notably, the Jaybird littlewingus.
5. Lure the Wild Damian
Now alone, it is easy to lure the wild Damian with the tantalizing hummus and pita meal. For maximum trust, claim that the meal was sent by the grandfather – Alfredus nobilis.
6. Act Quickly!
Now spring your trap! Quickly pounce upon and tie the Damian up, and hang him upside down from the coat rack.
Escape quickly, lest the Dick Grayson returns, for he is sure to be vexed.
Alfred: *throws hands up in exasperation as the five-course dinner he prepared grows cold* Well, the boys are off. I wonder where they went.
Bruce: Out of town.
Alfred: How do you know, Master Bruce?
Bruce: I told them not to.
Jason: *oblivious to the remnants of the scrumptuous five-course meal he just devoured hanging off the corner of his mouth as realization dawns on him* Son of a bat…
Dick: Right?
Tim: It didn’t seem suspicious to you? At all?
Damian: -Tt- Reverse psychology. I wouldn’t put it past Father.
Duke: Or is it reverse-reverse psychology… ?
Alfred: *grinning smugly while placing a slice of homemade blueberry mousse in front of each of them* Does it really matter, young masters?
Jason [about Tim and Damian]: So, my brothers are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose a side. But I can’t, because they’re both idiots.
Red Hood: Hey, c’mere @alias-sunshine, you know what we’re gonna do? I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna show that teacher of yours… Oh, man. Come on, I’ll show you something. *gestures for them to follow him*
alias-sunshine: *follows them to a walk-in closet in Jason’s safe house*
Red Hood: *approaches the steel-doored closet and holds a hand up* Wait here.
Red Hood: *Retinal Scan – PASSED*
Red Hood: *Palm Print Scan – PASSED*
Red Hood: *Voice Recognition*
Red Hood: It’s me.
Voice-activated Lock: Voice not recognized. Attempt one of three before Code Red Protocol is activated.
Red Hood: You listen here, I programmed you –
Voice-activated Lock: Attempt two of three. Initializing –
Red Hood: No, no! Wait. Stop. Okay.
Red Hood: *glances at alias-sunshine shyly, rubs his neck sheepishly, then whispers to the mic* The Handsome Robin.
Voice-activated Lock: Voice unintelligible. Attempt three of –
Red Hood: THE HANDSOME ROBIN!
Voice-activated Lock: Well, hello there, Jason Todd. *door opens*
Red Hood: *chuckles in embarrassment* It’s broken. *clears his throat* Right this way.
Red Hood: *takes a wooden box with a poorly drawn Robin symbol on it from a shelf, opens it, then takes out a yellowing piece of paper*
Red Hood: *hands it to alias-sunshine* See that? That’s how we’re gonna show your teacher.
Paper [a comic book panel from Batman Annual #12 (1988)]:
alias-sunshine: *looks at him, puzzled*
Red Hood: *places a hand on their shoulder* We’re gonna study like crazy, kid. I’m gonna show you the ropes. We’re gonna train for your exams like Riddler’s making ‘em. And your teacher’s head is gonna spin with all the good grades they’ll be handing you. *sighs in contentment* I mean, will you look at that G.P.A…. I should probably change my password to “The Smartest Robin” –
Red Robin: *entering through a window* Too bad the title’s already taken.
Red Hood: How’d you – Never mind.
Red Robin: I fixed a few glitches in your security system. *sees alias-sunshine, then looks at Jason questioningly* Hey… ?
Red Hood: It’s a long story. *gestures haphazardly as he makes introductions* alias-sunshine, Red Robin, Loser, alias-sunshine.
Red Robin: *grins and shakes hands with alias-sunshine*
Red Hood: What’re you even doing he–
Red Robin: *snatches the paper from alias-sunshine’s hand and snaps a photo of it* Dude, is this… ?
Red Hood: *grabs it from Tim* Gimme that! You’ll get it all dirty.
Red Robin: How… how do you have that?
Red Hood: *carefully replacing the paper in the wooden box* None of your business, Tim. I have… connections.
Red Robin: How is this even possible, Jay? With all the continuity changes we’ve been through, we might not even be on the same timeline as that report card… *scrolling through the contacts on his communicator* I’m sending this to Bruce. Or Barry Allen. Or maybe Mr. Mxyzptlik?
Red Hood: *slowly faces Tim with narrowed eyes* How do you know about continuity changes?
Red Robin: I, uh… *runs back to the window and grapple-hooks out of it* Gotta go! See ya arouuund, alias-sunshiiiiine!
Red Hood [to alias-sunshine]: We’re gonna pretend you didn’t just witness that, alright? Look, kid… About the whole adoption thing… That’s kind of Batman’s department. Not sure what you’ve heard, but he’s *sigh* really not that bad. *rapidly blinks away tears that’re threatening to fall*
Red Hood: But my offer still stands. Tutorials, after classes, two hours a day, three days a week, unlimited Batburgers with Jokerized fries on me. *offers to bump fists* You in?
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