“Oh, those glass shards on my back? I get them all the time. No biggie. Hey, do you guys serve cereal?”
The staff love checking him ou – er, checking up on him.
Regales them with stories of past injuries, which none of them can believe are even possible (”Then how are you still alive?”)
Jason
Fake ID (since, you know, legally dead and all)
Wheeled into the hospital room by 5 AM, out through the window in a hospital gown and onto a waiting motorcycle by 5:15 AM
Tim:
Double-checks every diagnosis and every medication and cross-references them with similar cases in the city (and occasionally schools whomever is unfortunate enough to check up on him)
Who knows how pure liquid caffeine got injected into his IV bottle?
Damian:
“You call this food? My father will buy this place!”
Physical examination? You might as well put your hand inside a Tasmanian devil’s tunnel.
DC Universe’s Got Talent (America’s Got Talent), as host, contestant, and eventual winner – because judges from the Fifth Dimension could no longer stand watching a human with such inhuman flexibility
Gothamite Ninja Warrior (American Ninja Warrior), where it’s usually just Cass and him battling it out for the top spot and the “obstacle course” includes parkouring to the top of crumbling gargoyles and jumping off twenty-story buildings sans parachute
Jason
Alfred & J’s Potluck Dinner(Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner), where Alfred’s “Martha” and he’s “Snoop” and they host get-togethers for heroes and villains in the Manor kitchen
Hoodvs. Lair (Man vs. Wild), but instead of surviving in the wild, he’s trying to get past security in a new supervillain’s hideout week after week (guest-starring Roy)
Tim
BatFuzz Unsolved (BuzzFeed Unsolved), where he discusses controversial cases, such as the mysterious zombie-turned-vigilante wearing a red helmet, with his best bud and resident skeptic, Conner
Myth Boosters (Myth Busters), where he dispels/proves popular theories using the latest and most expensive Wayne Tech gadgets (and Bruce is a mere centimeter away from buying the TV network just to cancel this show)
Damian
Gotham’s Dumbest Videos(America’s Funniest Videos), which features clips of his siblings’ blunders during patrol (and him cackling in the background after he introduces each one)
Crikey! It’s the Irwins, and he’s actually with the Irwins (until his father reminds him to “Get. Back. To. Your Earth. Now.”)
– • – • – • – • –
Not sure if I did it justice, but I really liked this suggestion, @fleetof-fandoms, so thanks!
“If a Kryptonian with a mass of… hmmm… give or take 103 kg, is at rest on a 45-degree incline…” *holding up a poorly drawn illustration of what looks like a stick figure with a red “S” on his chest atop said inclined plane*
[to the teenage girl who’s been ogling him since the session started] *tapping the notepad with a pencil* “Okay, eyes over here, young lady.”
Makes his students giggle endlessly because of his puns and silly examples
Spends extra time in reaching out to his troubled students and, if called for, approaches their parents (who trust him quite a lot)
Jason
Perhaps the most patient one of all (because apparently he enjoys mentoring someone)
Also the most structured one (thanks to his own study habits as a youngster before he – y’know)
Holds free group/one-on-one study sessions for street kids in Gotham community centers (in which he also includes anti-bullying and anti-drug abuse talks), with meals and school supplies sponsored by the Wayne Foundation
“Don’t beat yourself up too hard, kid”
Tim
Field trips to the Gotham City Library, S.T.A.R. Labs, Atlantis, etc. (”Like the saying goes, experience is the best teacher. Just maybe don’t, uh, tell your parents, alright?”)
Very adept at simplifying complex theoretical concepts (and his cheesy mnemonics are a hit!)
Invites his fellow Titans to hold group study sessions for students, especially when final exams are approaching
Enjoys hanging out with his students outside of tutorials (and secretly patrols their schools to make sure they’re safe)
Damian
His lesson plan includes the literary works of Machiavelli and Tolstoy (and that’s just for 4th graders)
Rewards (”Should you ace this exam – and by ‘ace’ I mean perfect it – then you will be entitled to watch me defeat a supervillain in the flesh”) and punishes (”An A minus! No creamy, frozen dessert for you!”)
[Student] *crying* [Him] “… PENNYWORTH!”
Finds that spending time with other young individuals has given him a second chance at being a kid (which he would never admit to anyone, of course)
“If a Kryptonian with a mass of… hmmm… give or take 103 kg, is at rest on a 45-degree incline…” *holding up a poorly drawn illustration of what looks like a stick figure with a red “S” on his chest atop said inclined plane*
[to the teenage girl who’s been ogling him since the session started] *tapping the notepad with a pencil* “Okay, eyes over here, young lady.”
Makes his students giggle endlessly because of his puns and silly examples
Spends extra time in reaching out to his troubled students and, if called for, approaches their parents (who trust him quite a lot)
Jason
Perhaps the most patient one of all (because apparently he enjoys mentoring someone)
Also the most structured one (thanks to his own study habits as a youngster before he – y’know)
Holds free group/one-on-one study sessions for street kids in Gotham community centers (in which he also includes anti-bullying and anti-drug abuse talks), with meals and school supplies sponsored by the Wayne Foundation
“Don’t beat yourself up too hard, kid”
Tim
Field trips to the Gotham City Library, S.T.A.R. Labs, Atlantis, etc. (”Like the saying goes, experience is the best teacher. Just maybe don’t, uh, tell your parents, alright?”)
Very adept at simplifying complex theoretical concepts (and his cheesy mnemonics are a hit!)
Invites his fellow Titans to hold group study sessions for students, especially when final exams are approaching
Enjoys hanging out with his students outside of tutorials (and secretly patrols their schools to make sure they’re safe)
Damian
His lesson plan includes the literary works of Machiavelli and Tolstoy (and that’s just for 4th graders)
Rewards (”Should you ace this exam – and by ‘ace’ I mean perfect it – then you will be entitled to watch me defeat a supervillain in the flesh”) and punishes (”An A minus! No creamy, frozen dessert for you!”)
[Student] *crying* [Him] “… PENNYWORTH!”
Finds that spending time with other young individuals has given him a second chance at being a kid (which he would never admit to anyone, of course)
DC Universe’s Got Talent (America’s Got Talent), as host, contestant, and eventual winner – because judges from the Fifth Dimension could no longer stand watching a human with such inhuman flexibility
Gothamite Ninja Warrior (American Ninja Warrior), where it’s usually just Cass and him battling it out for the top spot and the “obstacle course” includes parkouring to the top of crumbling gargoyles and jumping off twenty-story buildings sans parachute
Jason
Alfred & J’s Potluck Dinner(Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner), where Alfred’s “Martha” and he’s “Snoop” and they host get-togethers for heroes and villains in the Manor kitchen
Hoodvs. Lair (Man vs. Wild), but instead of surviving in the wild, he’s trying to get past security in a new supervillain’s hideout week after week (guest-starring Roy)
Tim
BatFuzz Unsolved (BuzzFeed Unsolved), where he discusses controversial cases, such as the mysterious zombie-turned-vigilante wearing a red helmet, with his best bud and resident skeptic, Conner
Myth Boosters (Myth Busters), where he dispels/proves popular theories using the latest and most expensive Wayne Tech gadgets (and Bruce is a mere centimeter away from buying the TV network just to cancel this show)
Damian
Gotham’s Dumbest Videos(America’s Funniest Videos), which features clips of his siblings’ blunders during patrol (and him cackling in the background after he introduces each one)
Crikey! It’s the Irwins, and he’s actually with the Irwins (until his father reminds him to “Get. Back. To. Your Earth. Now.”)
– • – • – • – • –
Not sure I did it justice, but I really liked this suggestion, @fleetof-fandoms, so thanks!
The Robins as…
REALITY TV SHOW STARS
Dick
DC Universe’s Got Talent (America’s Got Talent), as host, contestant, and eventual winner – because judges from the Fifth Dimension could no longer stand watching a human with such inhuman flexibility
Gothamite Ninja Warrior (American Ninja Warrior), where it’s usually just Cass and him battling it out for the top spot and the “obstacle course” includes parkouring to the top of crumbling gargoyles and jumping off twenty-story buildings sans parachute
Jason
Alfred & J’s Potluck Dinner(Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner), where Alfred’s “Martha” and he’s “Snoop” and they host get-togethers for heroes and villains in the Manor kitchen
Hoodvs. Lair (Man vs. Wild), but instead of surviving in the wild, he’s trying to get past security in a new supervillain’s hideout week after week (guest-starring Roy)
Tim
BatFuzz Unsolved (BuzzFeed Unsolved), where he discusses controversial cases, such as the mysterious zombie-turned-vigilante wearing a red helmet, with his best bud and resident skeptic, Conner
Myth Boosters (Myth Busters), where he dispels/proves popular theories using the latest and most expensive Wayne Tech gadgets (and Bruce is a mere centimeter away from buying the TV network just to cancel this show)
Damian
Gotham’s Dumbest Videos(America’s Funniest Videos), which features clips of his siblings’ blunders during patrol (and him cackling in the background after he introduces each one)
Crikey! It’s the Irwins, and he’s actually with the Irwins (until his father reminds him to “Get. Back. To. Your Earth. Now.”)
– • – • – • – • –
Not sure if I did it justice, but I really liked this suggestion, @fleetof-fandoms, so thanks!
Flirtatious, even when he doesn’t mean to be (or perhaps the warmth in his voice, in his tone, makes you think so)
Ends up as a “therapist” once in a while
“Sure, I’ll call you sometime… Got your number right here.”
Jason
[You] “Hello? Are you still there?” [Him] *takes his hand off the mouth receiver and coughs up cigarette smoke* Yuuup yup yup, hold on a sec – *nondescript background noises* – So about that vacuum cleaner –
Actually admits how much the product he’s selling sucks and recommends better options
Tim
Disguise Master Extraordinaire (so much so that one minute you believe you’re speaking with Jeremy Irons, then Fran Drescher the next… Huh?)
Explains product features too thoroughly (making you wonder how many degrees you need to have or memes to be familiar with to understand what he’s saying)
Damian
“Sir, you would be an idiot not to – Did you not hear what I just – What did you just say to me – How dare you, you fool! – I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, SIR –” (and make no mistake, he does)
He’s reported, he’s fired, and he’s all, “MY FATHER OWNS THIS STUPID COMPANY!”
– • – • – • – • –
So, @lilakriger , did hilarity indeed ensue?Thank you for the suggestion!
The Robins as…
TELEMARKETERS
Dick
Flirtatious, even when he doesn’t mean to be (or perhaps the warmth in his voice, in his tone, makes you think so)
Ends up as a “therapist” once in a while
“Sure, I’ll call you sometime… Got your number right here.”
Jason
[You] “Hello? Are you still there?” [Him] *takes his hand off the mouth receiver and coughs up cigarette smoke* Yuuup yup yup, hold on a sec – *nondescript background noises* – So about that vacuum cleaner –
Actually admits how much the product he’s selling sucks and recommends better options
Tim
Disguise Master Extraordinaire (so much so that one minute you believe you’re speaking with Jeremy Irons, then Fran Drescher the next… Huh?)
Explains product features too thoroughly (making you wonder how many degrees you need to have or memes to be familiar with to understand what he’s saying)
Damian
“Sir, you would be an idiot not to – Did you not hear what I just – What did you just say to me – How dare you, you fool! – I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, SIR –” (and make no mistake, he does)
He’s reported, he’s fired, and he’s all, “MY FATHER OWNS THIS STUPID COMPANY!”
– • – • – • – • –
So, @lilakriger , did hilarity indeed ensue?Thank you for the suggestion!
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 