Tag: source: the simpsons

Family Patrol Night…

Batman: *setting up surveillance equipment on the rooftop*

Robin: *watching the traffic down below while perched atop a gargoyle*

Nightwing: *balancing on the ledge (y’know, upside-down and on one hand, the yoosh)*

Red Robin: Jay, I have a riddle for you. What’s the sound of one hand clapping?

Red Hood: Piece of cake. *opens and closes his fist quickly, which makes a faint sound*

Red Robin: No, man. It’s a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.

Red Hood: No answer? Timmy, listen up. *quickly opens and closes his fist again*

Batman: Hn. *smirks*

Nightwing: *giggles and almost loses his balance*

Robin: -Tt-

Tim: *whispering* What’s your hurry?

Jason: *grabbing his leather jacket and kicking three-day-old garbage underneath the sofa* This place is depressing.

Dick: *yelling from the kitchen* Hey! I live here!

Jason: *yelling back* And I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it!

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

Maybe if you cleaned up once in a while before these family visits, Nightwing…

Batman: *crouching on the ground in pain as Bane towers over him* Think you’ve got guts?

Batman: *wipes blood off his mouth* Try raising my sons!

In which the confusion on Bane’s face gives Batman a window of opportunity to take the hulking villain down.

Jason: Hey, brat, do you have to sit so close to the TV? Back up or it’ll hurt your eyes.

Damian: It will not.

Jason: *holding his fist up* Oh, yes, it will.

Damian: *slowly turns his head away from the TV to glare at his older brother*

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

Narrator’s Voice: Oh, something hurt indeed. And someone learned a valuable lesson that afternoon.

Mornings at the Manor…

Tim and Damian: *bickering at the breakfast table*

Bruce: Quiet, you two! If I hear one more word, Tim doesn’t get to drink coffee and Damian doesn’t get to go on patrol.

Tim: Bruce!

Damian: Father!

Bruce: Not. One. Word.

Tim and Damian: *start insulting each other by lightly tapping spoons and banging salt and pepper shakers*

Bruce: I thought I told you two to knock it off.

Tim: We didn’t say anything!

Damian: Not one word!

Bruce: Well, no Morse code either.

Damian [on the Comm Link]: Todd, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Red Hood: *reloading his guns while hiding behind barrels as bullets whizz past him* Uh, isn’t this the kind of thing Alfred’s better at?

Damian: I called him. He’s not home. I also tried Father, Grayson, Drake, Brown, Thomas, and the Commissioner, Barbara’s father.

Red Hood: *twisting a criminal’s arm and throwing another across the wall* Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Red Hood: You just lost yourself a best friend, Roy!

Arsenal: *cupping his ear* Wha–? I’m sorry, Jaybird, I couldn’t hear you.

Red Hood: I said that you just lost yourself a best friend!

Arsenal: *slowly walking away* Huh?

Red Hood: You just lost yourself a best friend!

Arsenal: Dude, you’re going to have to speak up!

Red Hood: You just lost yourself a best friend, Harper!

Arsenal: I’ve forced myself to wha– ?

Red Hood: *positively yelling* You just lost yourself a best friend!

Arsenal: Jason, I’ll talk to you tomorrow!

Red Hood: You just lost yourself a best friend!

Arsenal: Yeah, you can use it!

At Robin and Superboy’s ultra-high tech, ultra-pristine, ultra-secret tree safe house…

Red Hood: *bruised, tattered, dripping blood, and on the run from mercenaries*

Jon: *pleading eyes*

Damian: -Tt-

Damian: *rubs his face in exasperation*

Damian: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.

Red Hood: Wow. What’s the catch?

Jay, don’t push it. And, Dami, just because he tripped and bled all over the LEGO Death Star that took you and your best friend eighteen hours to assemble, it doesn’t mean that you should treat your older brother that way.