Things that earn you “The Look” from Alfred…
Alfred: *adjusting Jason’s bow tie and dusting off his tuxedo*
Jason: Do I have to tuck my shirt in? Because, honestly, that’s kind of a deal-breaker.
Alfred: *narrows eyes*
The ensuing fear in Jason’s eyes… Man.
Tim: If I were sleep-deprived, could I do this?
Jason: Uhhh. What are you doing?
Tim: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?
Jason: *shakes head and walks away*
Jason: *revs up his motorcycle*
Jason: You need a ride back to the Manor?
Dick: *stretching his legs* No, no. I’m going to go for a light 15K. I missed yesterday.
Dang, son.
“Show and Tell” at Gotham Academy…
Damian: For my item, I chose a picture of my ex-brother, Drake, with a moustache drawn on his face and stink lines coming off him because he stinks!
Leaving your grandsons at the Manor to run some errands be like…
Alfred: *hands over the cordless phone to Dick*
Alfred: *gives him, Jason, Tim, and Damian “The Look”*
Alfred: I pre-dialed 9-1-1, so all you have to do is press “Send”.
You know them so well, Alfie.
Mixed signals…
Damian: Look, I love you like a brother, Kent. But, right now, I hate you like my actual brother, Drake, whom I hate.
Looking at Gotham City crime rate statistics on the Batcomputer…
Jason: Man, a thirty-five percent increase!
Tim: It’s actually thirty-four point two percent.
Jason: Thirty-four point two percent.
Jason: *in a robotic voice, doing a robotic walk* I am Timothy, the Numbers Robot.
Going to the carnival with your best friend be like…
Damian: Well, you better practice, Kent. You gotta win me a teddy bear.
Jon: Ha! I’m gonna win you a million teddy bears.
Damian: Well, I want a billion teddy bears.
Jon: Well, that’s a little unrealistic. This is a hard game… Two million.
Tim: Jason, can you please be quiet? I can’t hear myself not talking to Damian.
When Batgrandpa gets fed up (because you’re wrecking all the furniture in the Manor)…
Alfred: All of you be. Quiet.
Alfred: Master Timothy, Miss Stephanie’s mad because you said “awesome sauce” instead of “I love you, too”.
Alfred: Miss Stephanie, he loves you. Stop being a child.
Alfred: Master Dick, you’re clearly at fault here. Blaming Master Jason won’t save you.
Alfred: And, Master Jason, we both know you were hanging out with Bizarro instead of watching over Master Damian like you promised.
Alfred: So. *looks around at his stunned grandchildren, who are bruised and battered from trying to “resolve” things earlier*
Alfred: Everyone apologize to everyone else. Now.
—
What would this family do without him?
Alfred: *hears the floor creak behind him*
Alfred: *turns around to see a deer caught in the headlights* And, you, Master Bruce, may not be excused.
Oh, ancient Wayne Manor floor, you are a traitor.
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