Discussing your friend’s love life be like…
Harley [to Ivy]: Selina’s attracted to men in pain. It helps her pretend to be mentally healthy.
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Alfred: Batman wants to see you at the cave, Master Jason.
Robin: And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.
Inviting your family to you and your best friend’s safe house-warming party be like…
Jason [to the Batfamily]: If you want to get us a gift, we’re registered at Linens ‘n’ Things.
Roy [to Team Arrow]: We have plenty of linens. We only want the things.
Mornings at the Manor…
Duke: *nervously looks over his shoulder at Bruce pulling a sneering Damian by the scruff of the neck, Dick restraining a furious Tim via bear hug, Alfred telling Jason to get down from the kitchen counter, Cass ushering the family pets to safety, and the refrigerator on fire*
Duke: *sips chocolate milk, then looks straight into the Snapchat camera*
Duke: Jason attacked the counter with a fire axe and is still only the second craziest person in the kitchen.
At a Justice League mission briefing…
Batman: Jordan. Are you listening to me?
Green Lantern: Oh, sorry. I just had a terrible nightmare where you were a pompous ass.
The feeling’s mutual, Hal.
Nightwing: You’re pathological, Jason!
Red Hood: It’s too late for flattery.
Alfred [to Dick]: Master Bruce’s whole personality is based around guarding himself. You don’t have to be like that to be a man.
Green Lantern: With all due respect, Batman, I have zero respect for you.
Real mature, Hal.
Mornings at the Manor…
Bruce: *e-mailing the Justice League while discussing Wayne Tech plans with Lucius on the phone*
Dick: *stealthily picking blueberries off the pancakes on the serving tray while dangling upside down from the ceiling*
Alfred: *slapping Dick’s hand away while preparing Tim’s morning espresso shots*
Jason: *holding up a bag of catfood so it’s out of Damian’s reach*
Damian: *on his tippy toes trying to reach it while muttering censor-worthy threats to Jason*
Tim: *eyelids drooping and eyes red, wiping dried-up slobber off his face* How long was I out? Is Napster still a thing?
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Who’s gonna tell him?
Dick: Bruce thinks he has it bad? As his understudy, I have to wear a Batman cowl on top of my Nightwing mask, and then Spyral hypnos tech on top of that!
He gets confused, too.
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