Superboy: *staring in horror at the Kryptonite-lined bands on his wrists* Damian, I’m handcuffed!
Robin: *already tinkering with his own handcuffs* Relax. Handcuffs are a cinch.
Superboy: Really?
Robin: Yeah. There’s a bone in your thumb. Tiny bone. Really easy to break. What you’re gonna want to do is you’re gonna want to apply torsional pressure to it until it snaps.
Superboy: I’m not gonna break my bone!
Robin: Well, in that case, you are screwed.
Nightwing: *watches as Jason hits the pavement after being flung across the sky by Artemis*
Nightwing: *helping him up* You okay? You really had me worried.
Red Hood: I’m so embarrassed. I can’t even get my ass kicked with any dignity.
Dick: Exactly, and that’s why I think we should break up.
Any Woman Dick is Dating at the Moment [on the phone]: Is that what you really want?
Dick: Yes, it is.
Damian: Great. Most Annoying Romance of My Life is finally over.
Red Hood: Bruce, Alfred, I have made a very important decision. I’m moving out.
Robin: Yes.
Red Hood: And moving in with Roy and Bizarro.
Alfred: My goodness.
Batman: *grunts*
Arsenal: Oh, yeaaah. Video games and beer all day and all night…
Artemis: *knocking on the door and entering* Oh, I’m sorry.
Artemis [to Jason]: Can I talk to you for a second? It’s kind of important.
Red Hood: *walks out of the room with Artemis*
Arsenal: *rolls his eyes* Talk about your third wheel.
Red Hood: *hacking into a mainframe computer in a supervillain’s lair*
Red Hood: Hey, the security system’s been updated. I’ll either need 40 minutes to decrypt the code…
Red Hood: … or four ounces of C4. 🤔
Batman: *holding the suspect by the lapels on his coat, shaking him* The little girl’s dad. Where is he?
Suspect: I-I d-don’t know… exactly. But I do know someone who might know where they’re holding him.
Batman: *angrily* Who?
Suspect: My Uncle Bernie.
Batman:
Batman: That better not be a joke because I don’t have a sense of humor.
Meeting a new member of the Batfamily be like…
Red Hood: I believe we’ve met before.
Clayface: *holds out a hand* Jason Todd.
Red Hood: *staring at the clay dripping from his doppleganger’s fingers* No. I’m Jason Todd. You’re the shapeshifting pile of mud who’s in deep trouble.
When you can’t wait to find out what Bruce got you for Christmas…
Jason: Alfred! We’ve got to break Alfred. Bruce tells him everything.
Tim: *looking into the distance* His goatee holds so many secrets.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
They said foolishly, not realizing that it’d be easier to get Batman to talk than to break Alfred.
Roy: You’re firing me from the Outlaws?
Jason: You kidding me? You’re the best arrow guy we got. I’m firing you as my best friend.
Batman: *watching security footage of Green Lantern and Green Arrow making fun of him while he was giving a mission briefing earlier that day* Hn. Do they have any idea how much stalking experience I have?
Superman: If only they did, Bruce. You’re very prolific. You’re the Picasso of creepiness.
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