Him: *claps his hands to get the students’ attention* “Okay, so. It’s your turn to try the moves I showed you. I need a volunteer. Who wants to go first?”
Hands: *shoot up in the air before he even finishes saying the word “first”*
Him: *beckons a student over* “You.”
Student: *approaches him*
Him: *chuckles sheepishly and holds up a hand* “Woah there, a little too close. I can, uh, practically smell your breath. *clears his throat* So here’s how it’s going to go. I’m going to tackle you from behind…”
Student: *staring at him dreamily*
Him: “… and you’re supposed to fight back.”
Student: *nodding absentmindedly*
Him: *proceeds to tackle them*
Student: *melts in his arms*
Him: *sighs in frustration*
>>> — <<<
Him: *does a standing double backflip, pulls escrima sticks from his back mid-air, then lands lightly on his feet, pouncing on a dummy*
Class: *silent*
Student: “You want us to do what now?”
JASON:
Him: *demonstrates how to disarm an attacker using a dummy*
Class: *watches in horror as the dummy practically breaks in half*
Him: *growls, stands up, then roughly wipes the sweat off his face*
Him: *finally notices their shock* “But, you know, it’s, um… It’s just one way to do it. You could always improvise.”
>>> — <<<
Student: *approaches him after class* “Mr. Todd, can I just pay you?”
Him: “Well, yeah, these classes aren’t exactly free…”
Student: “I mean, can I just pay you to go around with me?”
Him: “Uh…”
Student: *shaky breath* “It’s just that there’s this bully in my school and…”
Him: “Say no more. It’s on me.”
TIM:
Class: *puzzled*
Student A: “Uh… This is a train station.”
Him: *tossing a blindfold to each of them* Yup.
Student B: “Where exactly are we headed?”
Him: *listens for an oncoming train* On top.
Student C: “Of the train?”
Him: *sipping liquid caffeine from a sachet* Mm-hm.
Student D: *examining the blindfold in their hand, confused* “Yeah… I don’t think any of us are gonna get mugged on top of a train any time soon.”
Him: *wearing his own blindfold and smirking* “It’s better to know it and not need it.”
>>> — <<<
Class: *puzzled*
Student A: “Uh… This is a computer room.”
Him: *turning the lights on* “Yup. Each of you choose a laptop.”
Student B: “What exactly are we doing here? I thought this was a self-defense class.”
Him: *turning on the state-of-the-art laptop at the front of the room* “Ever heard of cyber bullying?”
DAMIAN:
Him: *drags a heavy crate into the training room and opens it* “Line up. Pick your weapon. Then pair up. Do it quickly and” *narrows his eyes* "quietly.“
Student A: *whispering while gingerly touching the tip of an arrowhead* “Is this… kryptonite?”
Student B: *whispering back while examining the katana in their hand* “I don’t know, but I don’t think this is gonna fit in my purse.”
>>> — <<<
Him: *pacing around the room* “As I was saying, every martial art is” – *does a double take* “Todd?”
Jason: *walking into the dojo with a student* “In the flesh. Wassup, little brother?”
Student: *points at Damian* “That’s the bully I was telling you about!”
Him: “-Tt-”
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
You know, I’ve read great reviews about these self-defense instructors from Gotham City. But I heard Batman might take you in soon after completing their courses, @prison-mikes-bandana . *scoffs* That’s silly.
Jason: *gets up, dusts himself off, then slowly walks towards Damian’s student*
Damian’s student: *backs away, trembling in fear, until they hit a wall*
Jason: *towering over them* “One: That hurt.” *rolls his eyes* “My feelings.”
Jason: “Two:” *breaks the shaft of the arrow sticking out of his flank in half* “I’m undead, not Kryptonian.”
Jason: *narrows his eyes* “And, three…”
Damian’s student: *close to tears, shielding their face*
Jason: *smirks* “Your teacher taught you well.” *pats them on the shoulder*
Damian: “Are you done, Todd? I have a class to teach.”
Jason: *cracks his knuckles* “No, not really. I have beef with you because apparently you have beef with a student of mine.” *gestures to his own student*
Jason’s student: *raises their hand proudly*
The rest of the students: *buzzing with excitement, placing bets*
Damian: “-Tt-” *gritting his teeth* “Can we please settle this at home? I’m kind of busy here.”
Jason: *rubbing his chin* “Huh. Speaking of beef… I could use some of Alfred’s stew.”
Jason’s student: *whispering to him* “Who’s Alfred?”
Foreword: Okay, this wasn’t even an Ask or a prompt sent specifically to me, but I reblogged this post a bunch of times with my own answers back in September 2019 (T’was fun!) and figured I might as well compile them into one post. That being said, thank you to @batmanisagatewaydrug for the suggestion. (P.S. If you do come across the original post, check out what the others answered. Pretty hilarious stuff.)
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –
Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?
Batman: *snorts, then lets go of the door handle and glares at the window*
Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of the consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –
Driver: *eyeing them through the rearview mirror* So, you two headed to Gotham Comic Con?
Batman: Hrrrn.
Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.
>>> — <<<
Red Hood: *takes his helmet off, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*
Driver: Sir, that’s not –
Red Hood: *blows smoke out of the window and offers him a stick* Want one?
Driver: No, it’s… it’s fine. Thank you.
Red Hood: You seen any penguins around here lately?
Driver: Penguins… Like the ones at the zoo?
Red Hood: *surveying every establishment they drive by* No, no. Suspicious ones.
Driver: I, um… don’t think so…
Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.
Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –
Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –
Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rearview mirror*
Red Hood: *hands him a hundred dollar bill, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man. Stay safe.
Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the back door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.
>>> — <<<
Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!
Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked… ?
Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*
Driver: *eyeing him through the rearview mirror* Costume party, huh?
Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Unfunny clowns, talking crocodiles, two-faced men… You name it.
Driver: Sounds wild.
Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.
Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop off you at *zooms the location in* the Gotham Garbage and Recycling Center? … At 2 AM?
Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*
>>> — <<<
At Gotham Academy…
Damian: *glares at the driver through the rearview mirror*
Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*
Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.
Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?
Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.
Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, please don’t – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button on his phone after keying in “911”*
Damian: That won’t be necessary.
Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*
Meanwhile…
Alfred: *answers the phone while chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transporta– Oh, oh, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought – Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. *click*
Commercial on TV: *in a sexy, masculine voice* “Easy, Breezy, Adorable – Cover Boy” *winks at the camera*
Roy: *snorts*
Wally: *covering his mouth to stifle his giggling*
Garth: "Wow, Grayson… You could sell water to me and I’d totally buy it.“
Roy and Wally: *break out into belly laughter*
Dick: *places the pizza box on the coffee table and switches the channel* "Ha ha, very funny. I’m undercover, remember?”
Donna: *grabs a pizza and nods in mock seriousness* “Oh, we know, UnderCover Boy.” *winks*
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
JASON:
Chiseled features? Ooooh, ✔. Previous modeling experience as a villain pretending to be Nightwing (in canon)?
✔. Also linked to a Tamaranian super model?
✔ (But they’re “just friends, okay?”).
Discovered by an agent while trying to break into a warehouse of a well-known fashion corporation to rescue child laborers (accepted the job to gain access to the higher-ups)
>>> — <<<
Red Hood: “That’s me, dude.” *gestures at a billboard before lighting his cigarette*
Arsenal: “Where?”
Red Hood: *takes a drag* “There.”
Arsenal: “That’s a calloused hand and a Bear Grylls watch.”
Red Hood: “Yup.”
>>> — <<<
Jason: *catwalking*
Designer: *takes a bow onstage after their entire collection is presented*
Jason: *pounces at the model in front of him*
Audience: *slow-clapping awkwardly*
Later…
Batman [on the comm link]: “It really couldn’t wait, Jason?”
Jason [hiding backstage]: *frantically searching for wet wipes in his weapons bag to remove his makeup* “He was the mark, Bruce!”
Batman: *gritting his teeth* “I know. But did it have to be in front of everyone at Gotham Fashion Week?”
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
TIM:
Used to traveling and working long hours? ✔
and ✔.
He doesn’t model for anything you’d know (unless you’re a superhero, that is).
>>> — <<<
Edna Mode [visiting from the Disney universe]: “Walk for me, Timothy. I want to see how it fits on you."
Red Robin: *struts, then abruptly stops* "Ms. Mode, I know you’re not a big fan of capes, so I was thinking maybe we could add wings instead? I’ve tried them, and they’re actually pretty awesome. They’re also weaponize-able.” *fumbles for his sketches in his utility belt* “I could show you some designs I’ve been working on –”
Edna: *widens her eyes at him* “No wings!”
>>> — <<<
Tim: “And this –” *dabs a brush on some blush, then onto Conner’s face* is supposed to make your face melt.“
Conner: *examining his pinkish cheek through the tiny mirror* "Uhhh… Was this specially formulated for Kryptonian skin?”
Tim: *disappointed that nothing was happening to his best friend’s face* “Oh, dang, that’s right! I figured you were just healing really fast.”
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
DAMIAN:
Mention “OshKosh B’gosh” to him one more time, he dares you. (And learn the hard way, as Jason did, why you’d better not.)
Let’s just say that you don’t hire him; he hires you.
>>> — <<<
Damian: “I would like to model for you.”
Receptionist: “Sir… This is the Gotham Animal Welfare Society.”
Damian: “And I am Damian Wayne. Did I stutter?”
>>> — <<<
Damian: “Perhaps it is time I tell Father to set up a meeting with you and his ‘friends’ in the fashion industry.”
Alfred: “Master Damian, while I am truly flattered, I hardly consider myself a designer.”
Damian: *admiring his reflection in the mirror as he gently sways the green-and-red, hand-sewn thobe with gold accents that he’s wearing*
Alfred: “Besides, why on earth would the world want to see some bloody old butler’s –"
Damian: "Shush, Pennyworth.” *looks down at his feet, his eyes glistening* “You put them all to shame.”
Alfred: *pulls him in for a hug*
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Oh, @fleetof-fandoms, how I wish I could tag you properly. Thank you for another cool suggestion!
Civilian: *looking at the masked vigilante in awe after he rescues her from a mugger* If you’re not a criminal, then what are you?
Red Hood: *rubs his neck sheepishly* About that…
Barry: Mm-hmmm. *wiping his mouth* That burger was so good, I feel like I just cheated on you.
Iris: Yeah, I heard the moaning.
Mar’i [5 years old]: *watches as a group of adults “ooooh” and “awww” over a little girl and a little boy holding hands in a playground* Are you gonna be this cool when I like a boy?
Kori: Well –
Dick: No, not a chance.
When you eavesdrop on a conversation between your super dad and one of his super friends (and instantly regret it)…
Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian: *hiding behind the dinosaur in the Batcave*
Bruce [on the phone with Clark]: *in a gruff voice* Hal thinks he can “Mean Girls” me?! Hn! How lame is that? Let me tell you something, I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win. Just like “Legally Blonde”!
Dick: *covers his mouth as he starts to giggle, then looks at Jason*
Jason: *sticks his tongue out in disgust, then looks as Tim*
Tim: *slowly shakes his head and mouths “Wrong, just wrong”*
Damian: *crosses his arms and lets out a small -Tt-*
Dick: *ticking things off his list* Batstagram announcement, posted… Cereal cupcakes, ordered… Bouncy Bat Castle from Wayne Tech, specifically blue, in production… Bat signal care of Commissioner Gordon, en route… Floral arrangements care of Ivy… Oh!
Dick: Bruce, can I invite some of the rogues?
Bruce: *grunts*
>>> *** <<<
Dick: I have to say, yours is gonna a be a bit challenging, Little Wing, but I still think we should go for it.
Jason: …
Dick: *counting with his fingers* There’s your birthday-birthday… Then the day Bruce took you in after you tried to steal his wheels… Then when he adopted you… Then the day you… Well, that day… Do you think we should include that? Or is that awkward? We could always just skip to you coming back to life, which is definitely worth celeb–
Jason: For the last time, Dick, get out of my room! *slams the bathroom door* I’m trying to take a dump in here!
Dick: Awkward it is.
>>> *** <<<
Dick: *sitting at the foot of Tim’s bed* So, I was thinking, we could maybe get a thousand drones… Oh. No, that’s… a bit inappropriate. Nooo drones. *scratching “drones that form the words ‘Happy Adoption Day, Tim!‘” off his list* Well, we could just ask Kon to whoosh into the lawn –
Dick: *sketching* I mean, can you already picture it, Little D? I’m not that good at drawing stuff, but check this out. *shows his sketch to Damian*
Damian: *looking unimpressed* And what’s that supposed to be?
Dick: That’s the playroom turned into a lab! Since you weren’t technically adopted or birthed or whatever, I thought we’d celebrate that time you were in the “womb”. *goes back to sketching* I mean, we could even borrow some of Selina’s cats to make it more festive.
Dick: *grinning proudly* Schway, right? *looks up from his BatPad*
Dick: Where’d he go?
>>> *** <<<
Dick: *rubs his neck sheepishly* Look, Cass, it’s okay if you’re not up to it, but I just thought maybe…
Cass: *smiles brightly, claps her hands excitedly, and hugs Dick* I’m up to it! I’ve got some ideas of my own!
>>> *** <<<
Dick: What do you think, Alf? Can we pull it all off?
Alfred: Master Dick, while it may increase your father’s white hairs, I do think we don’t celebrate enough in this family.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Yeah, but he also wants his siblings to celebrate their “special days”, @tenaciouspeacesandwich . Thanks for the suggestion!
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 