When the Batkids team up with others to strategize how to defeat a villain…
Other superhero: Are you related to Batman or something? This sounds like something he would come up with.
Robin: *pouncing on said superhero* Related?! I’ll show you who’s related –
Red Hood: *to any superhero passing by, scoffing* Blood sons, amiright?
Listening to Dick and Kory argue for about the hundredth time on their road trip…
Gar: *drinking the Capri Sun that Kory stuffed in his sweater pocket* Are you picking up on the chemistry that’s going on?
Rachel: *rummaging through the backpack that Dick packed for her* It’s like they’re married.
Dick: *scoffs* @spaceprincessem What, you actually think we’re like some married couple? So maybe Rach and Gar kind of need parents right now. And maybe we’re “co-parenting” or whatever. But does that automatically make us marr–
Kory: Dick, who’re you talking to?
Dick: No one, Hone– Kory! I meant, Kory.
When your adoptive father has trust issues with your crimefighting methods…
Red Hood: *running through a dark alley*
Red Hood: *stops abruptly and catches his breath*
Red Hood: *rolls his eyes at his little brother, who’s in the Batjet hovering above him* I don’t need to be monitored all day long, brat. I’m not a toddler. This is stupid.
Robin [on the Comm Link]: I know you’re not, Todd, because toddlers would know that “stupid” is a no-no word.
tonight’s obsession: circumstances that lead to the Batfamily giving up and calling an uber
Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –
Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?
Batman: *snorts, then let’s go of the door handle and glares at the window*
Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of that consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –
Driver: *eyeing them through the rear view mirror* So, you two headed to the Gotham Comic Con?
Batman: Hrrrn.
Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.
Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!
Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked…?
Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*
Driver: *eyeing him through the rear view mirror* Costume party, huh?
Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Clowns, shrinks, hyenas… You name it.
Driver: Sounds wild.
Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.
Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop you at *zooms the location in* a garbage dumpsite…?
Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*
At Gotham Academy…
Damian: *glares at the driver through the rear view mirror*
Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*
Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.
Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?
Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.
Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, I just – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button after dialling “911”*
Damian: That won’t be necessary.
Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ •~
Alfred [on the phone]: *chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transpor– Oh, oh, dear. I apologize, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought– Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. [*click*]
Red Hood: *takes off his helmet, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*
Driver: Sir, that’s not –
Red Hood: *blows smoke out of a window and offers him a stick* Want one?
Driver: No, it’s, it’s fine. *gulps* Thank you.
Red Hood: You seen any penguins lately?
Driver: Penguins… Like, the ones at the zoo?
Red Hood: No. Suspicious ones.
Driver: I, um… don’t think so.
Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.
Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –
Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out the of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –
Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rear view mirror*
Red Hood: *hands a hundred dollar bill to the driver, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man.
Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.
RASON RODD
He does that every time, doesn’t he?
Hason Hodd
Mason Modd
Tason Jodd
Kason Kodd
Cason Codd
Lason Lodd
Chason Chodd
Hgnrnrnnnnnnnn
Jtason Jtodd: *lighting a cigarette* Who the heck’re those?
Driving away from a monster attacking Gotham City be like…
Nightwing: *looking through the rear window of the Batmobile* Uh, guys –
Red Robin: *sitting next to Dick, desperately trying to gain remote control of the Batjet using his communicator*
Robin: *riding shotgun* -Tt- You were picked for a reason, Todd! You’re supposed to be our reckless driver!
Red Hood: *about to drive the Batmobile through a burning building* I’m driving as recklessly as I can!
With a fORK
Wally: *instantly regretful of his word-vomit* I gotta bribe you to keep you quiet?
Dick: I don’t call it a bribe. I call it cereal.
Dick: *not losing eye contact with @dangerous-doodle while tenderly skewering the tiny, dehydrated, bat-shaped marshmallows with the tines one. By. One.*
At the Watchtower…
Justice League: *watching surveillance, Youtube and news footage on the mainframe computer*
Batman: *walks into the room and sees Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Robin and Lark (and a bunch of burning buildings and screaming citizens) on the screen*
Superman: *arms crossed*
Wonder Woman: *hands on hips, shaking her head*
Aquaman: *raises an eyebrow*
The Flash: *wide-eyed*
Green Lantern: *biting his lip to suppress a smirk*
Cyborg: Wo-ho-hoooooo.
Batman: Hn.
Batman: Whatever they did, add it to my tab.
Batman: *walks out*
And if you were convinced that Batman went back to work at the Watchtower after walking calmly and collectedly out of that room, then you probably didn’t even consider that he’d run to the teleporters at top speed to get back to Earth and do damage control (a.k.a. give his kids a piece of his mind).
Evenings in the Batcave…
Batman: *typing on the Batcomputer*
Red Robin: *tuning up the Redbird*
Batman: Fart.
Red Robin:
Red Robin: Uh…
Red Robin: Did you say “fart”?
Batman: Yes. That’s me being rather silly.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
And, to this day, no one believes Tim.
Superman: *fighting Parademons on Apokolips*
Superman:
Superman: *chuckles* Fart.
~ • ~ • ~ •
I mean if Clark can canonically single out Bruce’s heartbeat while flying over earth, I think he can hear him say “Fart”.
tonight’s obsession: circumstances that lead to the Batfamily giving up and calling an uber
Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –
Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?
Batman: *snorts, then let’s go of the door handle and glares at the window*
Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of that consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –
Driver: *eyeing them through the rear view mirror* So, you two headed to the Gotham Comic Con?
Batman: Hrrrn.
Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.
Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!
Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked…?
Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*
Driver: *eyeing him through the rear view mirror* Costume party, huh?
Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Clowns, shrinks, hyenas… You name it.
Driver: Sounds wild.
Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.
Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop you at *zooms the location in* a garbage dumpsite…?
Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*
At Gotham Academy…
Damian: *glares at the driver through the rear view mirror*
Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*
Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.
Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?
Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.
Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, I just – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button after dialling “911”*
Damian: That won’t be necessary.
Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ •~
Alfred [on the phone]: *chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transpor– Oh, oh, dear. I apologize, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought– Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. [*click*]
Red Hood: *takes off his helmet, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*
Driver: Sir, that’s not –
Red Hood: *blows smoke out of a window and offers him a stick* Want one?
Driver: No, it’s, it’s fine. *gulps* Thank you.
Red Hood: You seen any penguins lately?
Driver: Penguins… Like, the ones at the zoo?
Red Hood: No. Suspicious ones.
Driver: I, um… don’t think so.
Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.
Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –
Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out the of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –
Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rear view mirror*
Red Hood: *hands a hundred dollar bill to the driver, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man.
Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.
tonight’s obsession: circumstances that lead to the Batfamily giving up and calling an uber
Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –
Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?
Batman: *snorts, then let’s go of the door handle and glares at the window*
Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of that consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –
Driver: *eyeing them through the rear view mirror* So, you two headed to the Gotham Comic Con?
Batman: Hrrrn.
Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.
Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!
Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked…?
Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*
Driver: *eyeing him through the rear view mirror* Costume party, huh?
Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Clowns, shrinks, hyenas… You name it.
Driver: Sounds wild.
Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.
Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop you at *zooms the location in* a garbage dumpsite…?
Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*
At Gotham Academy…
Damian: *glares at the driver through the rear view mirror*
Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*
Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.
Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?
Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.
Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, I just – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button after dialling “911”*
Damian: That won’t be necessary.
Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ •~
Alfred [on the phone]: *chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transpor– Oh, oh, dear. I apologize, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought– Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. [*click*]
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 