An Incorrect Interview with the Batfamily…
Batman: I have it on good authority that you’ve been posting these, quote-unquote, incorrect quotes about our family on this so-called… *narrows his eyes* Tumblr.
Me: *blinks*
Me: *shuddering slightly* Well, see, Mr. Batman, um,Sir Wayne, uh, Batwayne –
Nightwing: *gets up from his chair and hugs me tightly*
Me: Oh! Oh, okay. Wow. Thanks? So, um, do you have a question or… ?
Nightwing: *shakes his head and grins at me* I just wanted to lighten the mood. You know how our father tends to blur the line between an interview and an interrog–
Red Hood: *clears his throat loudly*
Red Hood: Why, um… Why the heck do you call me *reading something scribbled on his palm* “Big Brother of the Year”?
Me: Well, see, Jay, even though you see yourself as the “black sheep” of the family, I do believe that there’s some goodness in your heart and that you do care very much about them. I think Croc said it best: you’re a good kid trying to be bad, and – Are you okay?
Red Hood’s Helmet: – bZzt bzZt –
Me: Your helmet’s… There’s smoke coming out of your –
Red Hood: *gets up from his seat and speed-walks out of the room*
Me: Did I say something wrong?
Red Robin: No. His tears must’ve fried the circuits in his helmet. Anyway, is this where you live? *shows me a map on his tablet with coordinates to my residence*
Me: *wide-eyed* How’d you – ?
Red Robin: Don’t worry about it. Now, my real question is, is there a lot of coffee where you’re from?
Me: Well –
Red Robin: Like really strong cofee? *zooming in and out of the map* For some reason, I can’t get intel –
Robin: *shoves Tim out of the way*
Robin: Pretender! Where do you get the nerve –
Me: – to make you look adorable? Look, Dami, I can’t help it –
Black Bat: *grapple-hooks into the room and grabs me*
Spoiler: Alright, creeps, that’s enough blogger harrassment for today!
Batgirl: *whispering into my ear* I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
Alfred: *walks into the room*
Room: *falls silent*
Alfred: No dessert for all of you.
Everyone (including Bruce): *whines*
Alfred: As for you *looks at me*…
Me: *blinks*
Alfred: … we would appreciate it if you joined us for dinner. *walks out of the room with Batcow and Titus in tow*
The Signal: *turns off the camera and runs after Alfred* But I was just filming everything, I swear!
Catwoman: *comes in through the kitchen window* Meow. Did I miss the interview?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
I guess this is just my way of saying THANK YOU for your continued patronage.
Sincerely *with lots of cute, little hearts*,
a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes
Tag: mine
Jon: *observing Bruce, who’s talking to Dick* Is that your dad?
Damian: Both of them, yes.
At the Watchtower…
Batman and Superman: *watching footage of Nightwing fighting a horde of alien assassins in Blüdhaven*
Batman:
Batman: *walks away*
Superman: Where are you going? Dick needs our help.
Batman: He will be fine.
Superman: How do you know?
Batman: Because I trained him.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Batman, internally: Also, Clark, what makes you think that I’m not walking away to speak with Alfred in private and ask him to round up my other children to come help out their big brother, my eldest son?
When he’s told that it’s his responsibility to mentor Conner…
Clark: Why can’t Bruce do it? He’s great with kids, especially when they’re not really his.
Meanwhile…
Bruce: *dialling Alfred’s number*
Bruce: Alfred? Hn.
Bruce: Fine, I owe you twenty dollars. Please prepare Dick’s old roo– All ready, huh? Of course.
Good Ask… Hmm. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. Well, it’s no mystery that Bruce holds a special place in my ❤, and this took a lot of thought, so maybe jot this down. You ready?
$*@!?$#+*, you freakin’ ®¥π|£&#*!
* bleeeeeeeeep*
Me: *rushes into the room and grabs my phone* JASON! What –?!
Jason: *running away*
Me: That ask was for me, you little –
Me: *trying to catch my breath* Sorry about that, @crash-the-mode . To be honest, it takes me a while to come up with nicknames because –
Jason: *yelling from across the room* And, man oh man, listen to this, @crash-the-mode , Roy’s is gonna be –
Me: Zip it, Hood!
Me: As I was saying… It’s because it takes a while for me to come up with nicknames that feel right to me. Plus, I’m only comfortable nicknaming characters who I know more intimately than the others, so… A few at a time, I guess. Thanks for this Ask. I truly appreciate it. 🙂
Jason: *in the background, jotting down nicknames on a Batburger wrapper, talking to himself* I. Am. A. Genius! *chef’s kiss*
Green Lanten: It’s a mess. You must feel horrible! You’ve lost everything. Your parents, your sons, your city…
Batman: *gritting teeth* Thank you for summing that up, Jordan.
Nightwing: I need your help on a super top secret mission.
Beast Boy: Do I get to parachute out of a plane as a wild horse?
Nightwing: No, you do not, because nobody ever does, but you do get to wear an ear piece.
Beast Boy: Sold!
#titans (2018)
On the way to Red Robin’s new safe house…
Steph: I can’t wait to see the inside of Tim’s safe house! I’m gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Harper: I bet it’s really fancy. Like Wayne-Manor-fancy.
Jason: No. It’s probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he’s on Sleep Mode.
When your super-powered colleagues beg you to teach them your “edgy” ways…
Green Lantern: How’s that field training with Barry going?
Batman: Let me put it this way, Jordan: he makes you look like a natural-born vigilante.
Tam: Tim, I fell for you after you fixed my phone and before I found out you could defuse bombs with computer viruses.
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 