The question is, would any of the Batkids prank Bruce on April 1st?

Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*

Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*

Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*

Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*

Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*

Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*

Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*

Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.

Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*

Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*

Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?

Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him* 

Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.

Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*

Bruce: Alf– 

Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder. 

Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.

Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?

Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away* 

Bruce: *heads to a secret room*

Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?

Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented  by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –

Bruce: Stop. Hn. 

Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*

Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?

Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?

Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?

Meanwhile…

The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*  

Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

At Midnighter’s safe house after a successful mission…

Batwing: So, Lucas, can we have a keg party here?

Midnighter: Yeah, sure. I’m cool with it. That’s me, “cool dad”.

Agent 37: Yeah. Lucas’s the coolest. *high-fives Midnighter*

Red Hood: Yeah, Lucas. *high-fives Midnighter*

Red Hood: Would you be my dad?

* Both laugh *

Red Hood: No, really.

* Both laugh *

Red Hood: No, I’m serious.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Jason and Luke trying to get into a Gotham City nightclub on their patrol night off…

Bouncer: Okay, you’re in.

Jason: Word.

Bouncer: Uh! *stops Jason from taking another step* You’re out.

Luke [to Jason]: Let me handle this.

Luke [to bouncer]: Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I’m just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he’ll be all chizzle.

Bouncer:

Bouncer: You out, too.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Trying just a liiiittle too hard there, Batwing.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

tmntchickadee:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Superman: *clears his throat*

Batman:

Superman: *gets out of the Batmobile*

Batman:

Superman: *awkwardly pats the roof* Well. That was a long, silent car ride. Now I know how Dick feels.

You know any of his children would have music blaring and talking whether he contributes or not

Nightwing: *bops his head and taps his fingers on the dashboard to the beat of NSYNC’s “It’s Gonna Be Me”*

Nightwing: *takes an earphone out of his ear* What was that?

Batman:

Nightwing:

Batman:

Nightwing:

Batman: *clears his throat*

Nightwing: Oh, I thought I saw your mouth move.

Nightwing: *jams the earphone back in* A man can dream.

Nightwing: *checks the digital map and sighs* Five miles to gooo. Why do supervillain lairs have to be so far?

Batman:

Batman: Sync with bluetooth, code “A37”.

NSYNC: *starts blaring on the Batmobile speakers*

Nightwing: *takes off both earphones and grins at Bruce*

Batman: *grins*

Red Hood: *gets in and slams the Batmobile door excitedly* Thanks for picking me up, Big Bro *takes off his helmet and shakes his hair dry* Some kid from Crime Alley stole one of my tires, pretty impressive, actually – *rummaging through his jacket pockets for a USB drive* Plus there’s this cool new album that Roy wants us to check out, so turn that 90’s boyband crap off for just a sec – Hey, want me to transfer to the – the –

Red Hood: *finally notices Batman on the passenger seat and sullenly says* Yo.

Batman: *grunts*

Red Hood: *rolls his eyes*

Nightwing: *sees his brother’s reflection on the rearview mirror and grins* If I’d told you, would you have gotten in?

Red Hood: *muttering* Tss. Could’ve walked home. I have safehouses everywhere.

Nightwing: *cups an ear* What was that?

Red Hood: *crosses his arms* Nothing! Just shut up and drive.

Nightwing: *smirks*

Red Hood:

Batman:

Red Hood: Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be –

Batman:

Red Hood: *looks out the window* Never mind.

Batman:

Nightwing:

Red Hood: *tapping his foot awkwardly* Sooo… You let Golden Boy drive this thing. Neat.

Batman:

Nightwing: *trying to stifle a giggle*

Red Hood: Dick, you can just drop me off right here –

Batman: No.

Red Hood: *frowns*

Batman: *extends a palm towards Jason* The drive.

Red Hood:

Red Hood: *reluctantly drops it on Bruce’s palm*

Batman: *plugs it into the console*

Nightwing: *to the Comm Link, smiling from ear to ear* Alfred? Yeah. Extra plate on the dinner table, please.

Thirteen songs from “Harper’s Mix” later…

Nightwing: So lemme get this straight: You were just on my case for listening to 90′s music, and now you’re going gaga over –

Red Hood: *skips to the next track* Ssh, Goldie. This one?

Batman: *listens to the intro for 1.5 seconds*

Batman: “Unchained Melody”. 1955. Todd Duncan –

Red Hood: Wow.

Nightwing: Don’t you mean the Righteous Brothers?

Batman: – sang the vocals for the film “Unchained”.

Red Hood: You are officially old.

Batman: *grinning wistfully* My mother used to hum it to me.

Nightwing:

Red Hood:

Batman: *still grinning wistfully*

Red Hood: *clears his throat* That’s, um, swell. Hey, if you get this next one, I’ll concede and declare you King of –

Radio: *skipping tracks randomly*

Red Hood: What the –

Radio: *rewinds and fast-forwards by itself, then plays “Basket Case” by Green Day*

Red Hood: That wasn’t even on there!

Radio: *in a chipmunk voice* Jason Peter Todd, also known as the Red Hood, we summon you –

Red Hood: *points a gun at the console* AaaAArRggh –

Nightwing: *swerving the Batmobile slightly* Calm down, Little Wing!

Batman: Timothy, enough.

Radio: *erupts into belly laughter*

Radio: *wheezing* Y-you sh-should’ve seen your face, Jay. *sighs contentedly* What time are you guys getting here? I’m bored and hungry.

Red Hood: And dead meat. *crushes the tiny camera suctioned to the window*

Radio: Yeah, yeah. Drive faster, Dick –

Alfred [in the background]: Absolutely not!

Radio: You heard the man. Red Robin out! *static*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Happy to, @mysticalmeowler.​ 

Red Robin: *sinking deeper into the passenger seat of the Batmobile*

Red Robin: *sighs contentedly* Just me and the Batman. It’s been a while, huh? Remind me again why I haven’t been hitching a sweet, sweet ride with you these past few months?

Batman:

Red Robin: Could it be because of your endearing silence? Nah. It can’t be that. We both enjoy it.

Batman: *smirks*

Red Robin: Perhaps I simply don’t need to? I mean, the Redbird’s great and all, but this is the freakin’ Batmobile.

Batman: *fondly shakes his head ever-so-subtly that if you blinked you’d have missed it*

Red Robin: *presses a button on the dashboard, opening a compartment full of CDs* How about your nostalgia for… outdated tech?

Batman: *gives him a pointed look*

Red Robin: *holds his hands up as if in surrender* Hey, no judgement.

Batman: *swiftly swerves the Batmobile into a dark alley*

Red Robin: What *going through the CDs* do we have *takes a couple out* here?

Batman:

Red Robin: “Cassandra’s Ballet Recital”. Neat. Did you get to see it?

Batman: *nods fondly*

Red Robin: Me, too. I was in the middle of chasing a killer android, though, so I had to watch it from the rooftop of the opera house.

Red Robin: *rummaging* Hmm. “Dick’s Mix” – way to be creative, Richard – “Classical Concertos for Teens” – which I assume belongs to the brat – “Suicide Squad” film soundtrack – Jason’s current obsession –

Red Robin: Is this Duke’s? *holds up a yellow-colored CD* I’m taking this *stuffs it into his backpack* I dig his jam – “Oracle” – Wait, wait, wait… Don’t tell me –

Batman: She doesn’t know –

Red Robin: *already stuffing it into his backpack* Mine! Just in case, y’know, I need to blackmail either of you. Her voice is pretty awesome, though. Watchtower acoustics really did her a favor.

Batman: *nods in agreement*

Red Robin: *back to rummaging* What else, what else… “Cats”? Really, Bruce? Is Selina even into broadway?

Batman: *shrugs*

Red Robin: “Clark’s Country Playlist”. Superman carpools to warzones with you?

Batman: I play it here, he listens from above. Says it helps him focus.

Red Robin: *rubbing his chin* Maybe I could try that with Kon… 

Red Robin: “Purple Haze” – witty, Steph, but I don’t think you even knows who Jimi Hendrix is – “Oldies but Goodies” – which is, coincidentally, Alfie’s name on my phone, ha ha – *reaches the bottom of the compartment*

Red Robin: I guess… that’s got it.

Batman: Tim…

Red Robin: *staring blankly ahead* I remember now –

Batman: Tim, I –

Red Robin: We were on the way to the Iceberg Lounge to bust Penguin and his crew, and I was getting so pumped that I jammed my CD into the player, but you took it out 10 seconds into “London Calling”, crushed my CD with one freakin’ hand, and threw it out –

Batman: *swerves the Batmobile to a stop* Red Robin –

Red Robin: – then we got into some argument over how stupid my music was, so I got out and – and –

Batman: TIM.

Red Robin: What?!

Batman: We’re here.

Red Robin: *sighs wearily and grabs his bo staff from the backseat* Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. Let’s go kick some criminal butt. 

Batman: You won’t need that.

Red Robin: *frowning in confusion* What? *looks out the window* And why are we at the Wayne Memorial Theater?

Batman: I asked Lucius to help me put a little something together.

Red Robin: I don’t –

Batman: It’s not that I didn’t like your music, Tim. Just… bad mood, bad timing.

Red Robin: … The anniversary of your parents’ death.   

Batman: *nods solemnly*

Red Robin: Bruce, I…

Batman: I hope you still like “London Calling”.

Red Robin: Yeah, but –

Batman: Because we’re about to watch a 4D screening of The Clash in concert.

Red Robin: We’re not… patrolling?

Batman: How else was I supposed to get you to hitch a sweet, sweet ride with me?

Red Robin: *haphazardly wiping tears from his eyes* Wow. Great timing, allergies.

Batman: *ruffles Tim’s hair* Let’s go, son.

Robin: *puts his backpack on the backseat of the Batmobile, does a last minute check of its contents, and sits on the passenger seat*

Robin: You and Kent’s dad don’t need to linger, Father. Just drop us off at our HQ and be on your way.

Batman:

Robin: *checking the contents of his utility belt compartments one by one* Oh, wait! Pennyworth forgot the – Oh, no, he didn’t – Shurikens, grappling hooks, brass knuckles – Ugh! These dumb chocolate-covered “gummy bears” that Superboy insists I carry with me – *doesn’t notice a USB drive fall from one of them*

Batman: *picks up the said USB drive* Hn.

Robin: *still talking more to himself than to Bruce* – and I’m fairly certain that I’ve sufficiently sharpened my knives, unless Todd’s device was subpar –

USB drive: *with the phrase “bearable noise” scribbled on its surface*

Robin: – make sure to feed Goliath before releasing him. He knows which island we’ll be on and will follow as previously instructed –

Batman: *plugs it into the console*

Speakers: *start playing… a lullabye*

Robin: – and tell Drake to stay out of –

Robin: 

Robin: *angrily disconnects the drive and slumps down on his seat* You weren’t supposed to hear that.

Batman: Damian, I –

Robin: *looks out the window* No one is supposed to hear that.

Robin: *muttering* Stupid, stupid *while banging his head against the headrest*

Batman:

Batman: *reaches out to block Damian’s head* I’m sorry, son.

Robin: *slaps his hand away*Just drive.

Batman:

Robin:

Batman:

Robin:

Robin: *quietly* When I slept over at the farm, Mrs. Kent sang it to Jon while she was putting him to bed.

Batman: *glances at him*

Robin: It was annoying.

Robin: Childish.

Robin: *lip quivering* Weak.

Robin: *covers his face with his arms and bends over his knees, his body trembling* 

Batman: *places a hand on his back* You’re not any of that, son.

Batman: But once in a while, it’s okay to be all of it.

Robin: *looks up at his father and wipes his eyes with his cape, sniffling*

Batman: *reaches for the USB drive where it fell near the console and plugs it back in*

Speakers: *play the lullabye again*

Batman: Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve listened to something this relaxing.

Robin: *takes one last look at his father before looking out the window, glassy-eyed and grinning*

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

@tmntchickadee , thanks for the idea. As you can see, I, um, ran with it. I was going for funny, but I think it ended up more “therapeutic”. I love music. It’s intimate. It can help heal. And I wanted each of my favorite Batkids to have a moment that’s uniquely theirs with their father. (Bruce could use them, too.)

Sincerely,

a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes

Alfred: *dabbing sweat off his forehead as he emerges from under the Batmobile*

Alfred: *swipes a finger on the glistening hood, then grins with satisfaction at the absence of dust on it*

Alfred: *raises an eyebrow as he spots a flickering, red light on the backseat within the vehicle*

Alfred: *gets inside to check it out and finds that it’s being emitted by a tiny bulb wrapped in a note, which he spreads open as his eyebrow goes impossibly higher*

Note: *in cursive* “Enjoy the ride”

Seat: *jerks, pushing him from behind the knees, causing him to sit down, then reclines itself*

Batmobile: *reconfigures itself into a stretch limousine*

Dick: *entering with a tray of cookies* 🎵You came along just like a song and brighten my day –

Alfred: Master Dick, what on earth – ?

Barbara: *handing him a cup of tea* 🎵Who would have believed that you where part of a dream –

Kate: *tips an imaginary hat off to Alfred* 🎵-– Now it all seems light years away –

Jason: *tapping the dashboard rhythmically* 🎵And now you know I can’t smile without you –

Damian: *revving up the engine* 🎵I can’t smile –

Jon: *squeezes in with Damian at the driver’s side, to the latter’s utter annoyance* 🎵-– without you!

Steph: 🎵I can’t laugh *cackles* and I can’t siiiiinnnngggggg –

Ace and Titus: 🎵*howl in unison*

Tim: *zombie-walking after Steph*🎵I’m finding it hard… ZzZz –

Jason: *slaps him awake*

Tim: – to do anything!

Duke: *wide-eyed in amazement as he piles into the limo with the others*🎵You see I feel sad –

Duke: Hold up, I’m sorry, how are we all fitting into this thing right – Oof!

Luke: *elbowing him* 🎵-– when you’re sad –

Harper: *finger-gunning at Alfred* 🎵I feel glad –

Cass: *gives Alfred a soft hug* 🎵-– when you’re glad –

Selina: 🎵If you only knew what he’s *points at Bruce and rolls her eyes* going through –

Bruce: *clears his throat*

Bruce: *in a gruff and monotone voice* Alfred, we just can’t smile without you.

Clark: *lifts the corners of Bruce’s mouth into a grin with his fingers*

Alfred: *wiping joyful tears off his eyes* A vacation! I’ll be gone a week, my ridiculous children. You’ll all survive, as always.

Alfred: And might I remind you that this was your idea?

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

For some reason, I was thinking of Bruce singing to Alfred and Barry Manilow’s hit came to mind. Thank you, @tea-coffee-cats-law !

a-wayne-at-heart:

a-wayne-at-heart:

My dream Batman canon issue: ALL the four Batboys (Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian) and Cass coming out of their respective bedrooms at the Manor in their sleep civvies, woken by the scent of Alfred’s cooking; each getting to the kitchen in his/her own Extra way, playfully but competitively shoving each other out of the way; Tim breaking off from the chaos to open the door, high-fiving/fist-bumping Duke and Luke as they file in; Babs arriving two minutes later, on the phone with Steph, telling the latter to come ASAP (breakfast is almost served); Kate coming in much later, amused by the loud morning chatter, nodding at Bruce, who’s seated at a kitchen stool, patting Titus on the head while Alfred the cat purrs on his lap.

I dunno. Something incredibly MUNDANE like this when Tim comes back. We already had Batburger, and that was lovely. Just… It would be great if they were ALL there.

Selina coming in through a second story window; Basil catching up with Cass and Harper, telling them how Jean-Paul’s meditating on a mountain somewhere so he can’t make it, while Alfred mops up his clay trail. Maybe Clark and Lois (literally) flying in to drop Jon off for a sleepover with Damian.

Too much to ask?

Just came across some thoughts I had a while back.

Outside Barbara’s apartment, planning to win her back after hearing that she’s dating Luke…

Dick: *scoffs* Funniest guy she’s ever met.

Dick [to the door]: I’m funny, right?

Dick: What do you know? You’re just a door. You just like knock-knock jokes.

Dick: *laughs heartily*

Dick [to himself]: Save it for inside!

Jason and Luke trying to get into a Gotham City nightclub on their night off…

Bouncer: Okay, you’re in.

Jason: Word.

Bouncer: Uh! *stops Jason from taking another step* You’re out.

Luke [to Jason]: Let me handle this.

Luke [to bouncer]: Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I’m just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he’ll be all chizzle.

Bouncer:

Bouncer: You out, too.

Trying just a liiiittle too hard there, Batwing.

At Midnighter’s safe house after a successful mission…

Batwing: So, Lucas, can we have a keg party here?

Midnighter: Yeah, sure. I’m cool with it. That’s me, “cool dad”.

Agent 37: Yeah. Lucas’s the coolest. *high-fives Midnighter*

Red Hood: Yeah, Lucas. *high-fives Midnighter*

Red Hood: Would you be my dad?

* Both laugh *

Red Hood: No, really.

* Both laugh *

Red Hood: No, I’m serious.

HYPNOTISED: A Jason Todd/Red Hood x OC Fan Fic

Summary: Snippets of a blossoming romance between Jason Tood/Red Hood and an original character (named Ima), with other DC characters in supporting roles. Jason falls for a waitress at a diner he frequents with his best friend, Roy Harper. When she is caught in the crossfire between him and Black Mask, he is determined to protect her at all costs. What he does not expect is her falling for him, too. And how much she becomes a part of his – and the Batfamily’s – life.  

** Not strictly canon. Romance + fluff + minor angst. A lot of Batfamily feels. Title from the Coldplay song. Currently 8 chapters long, each one to be posted separately due to length. Editing may occur, depending on inspiration. 🙂 **

Chapters: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight


Now I’m hyp- hypnotised

Yeah, I trip, when I look in your eyes

Oh, I’m hyp- hypnotised

Yeah, I slip and I’m mesmerized


Now I’m hyp- hypnotised

Yeah, I lift to a permanent hight

Oh, I’m hyp- hypnotised

It was dark

Not it’s sunrise


One

In and out. That was the original plan, a simple extraction mission.

Word had gotten out that an exchange between Black Mask and a Russian mob boss was going to take place at an abandoned warehouse by the Gotham Bay docks: a billion and a half dollars for a briefcase that contained a classified Kryptonian substance that could be weaponized, and in evil hands, possibly set off a third World War.  

It was no surprise that Black Mask and his crew had not thought twice about doing the exchange in an unsecured location. It was an open secret that Gotham’s finest, save for Commissioner Gordon and a few others, would turn a blind eye. After all, they had the criminal to thank for their overseas vacations and fancy cars.

Preoccupied with mentoring a new Justice League of America, Batman put Red Hood up to the task. Arsenal was only too happy to be part of the action. “Just like old times, Jaybird!” the former Green Arrow sidekick had exclaimed. Though it had already been a year since the two Heroes-for-Hire disbanded over “professional differences”, they picked up where they left off easily. In spite of their constant bickering, they grounded each other and worked efficiently as a duo. (Plus, they both secretly missed the banter.)

The plan was to slip past the guards and into the container truck. After getting a hold of the briefcase, they were to evacuate immediately before alerting the cops of the exchange. “By taking the briefcase out of the picture first,” Bruce had explained, “we remove any leverage Black Mask has over us and keep the substance out of GCPD’s reach. I’ll explain everything to Jim when this is over. But for now, we can’t afford any slip-ups.”

But, clearly, life had other plans for Jason that day. When one of the guards he had beaten up begged him for mercy, he begrudgingly relented. Then, the second he turned his back, he heard radio static from the man’s chest pocket; the others were alerted of the hostile take over. He almost regretted his self-restraint, internally cursing at Bruce for showing him the high road. The Russians panicked and opened fire. Chaos ensued.      

So, there he was, just a fifteen minutes in, already running in zigzag lines to evade scorching flames and falling debris. His body was trying to keep up with his mind as he outweighed the risks of each potential exit route. Black Mask had ordered his men to burn down the warehouse, trapping him, Roy, the Russians, and whoever else was left.  

“Uh, Jaybird? I think this is our cue to go. Like any. Second. NOW,” Roy yelled, watching steel beams crash around them. He was down to two trick arrows that were of no use to the situation at hand. And unless they had some sort of deus ex machina, their only option for survival was to make a run for it. Roy went ahead, clearing a path for his best friend to run through.

Jason was about to follow when he heard a whimper behind some oil drums. “Gimme a sec, Roy!” Did he imagine it? Did someone need help? He crept towards the sound, both revolvers cocked just in case he was wrong. He could make out a silhouette with soft curves. A woman? Taking a deep breath, he quickly grabbed her from behind, stifling her scream.

"I’m not gonna hurt you,” he whispered to her ear. Unless she made him. He turned her to face him, and his breath got caught in his throat. The deep hazel eyes, the full brown lips, and the smooth ebony skin that haunted his dreams… now covered in soot. What was she doing here?

He would get his answers later. He slowly uncovered her mouth. She stared at him with wide eyes, clearly petrified. Then, as if she regained her senses, pounded her fists on the graphene-plated symbol on his chest. He winced, knowing that it physically hurt her more than it did him.

He held her close, dodging falling debris as he ran them towards the only opening in sight. Almost tripping over a fallen cargo box, he heard an explosion. The oil drums. He let go of a breath he did not realize he had been holding.

Roy was nowhere to be seen, and Jason hoped desperately that he had already made it out in one piece.  

"Let me go! Ugh!” she shrieked, kicking at him. If it was not for his reinforced codpiece (Dick’s idea), he would have been wailing in pain on the ground. He dragged her behind a post, just inches away from a falling block of charred wood.

The more she struggled, the harder it was for him to sprint them towards the nearest exit. There was no way he was leaving without her. But if they were to make it out of there alive, she had to calm down. And he realized that an emotionless mask with a voice modifier was less than comforting. A desperate time, a desperate measure. With a press of a button at the base, his helmet unlocked. Pfffttttzzz. “Let me try that again,” he said softly, cupping her cheeks, “I’m not gonna hurt you.” The sound of his real voice must have calmed her down because he could feel the tension leaving her body.

He could hear the sirens from a distance rushing towards the blazing warehouse.    

“Jason…,” she coughed out, before passing out in his arms.