Mornings at the Manor…
Tim and Damian: *bickering at the breakfast table*
Bruce: Quiet, you two! If I hear one more word, Tim doesn’t get to drink coffee and Damian doesn’t get to go on patrol.
Tim: Bruce!
Damian: Father!
Bruce: Not. One. Word.
Tim and Damian: *start insulting each other by lightly tapping spoons and banging salt and pepper shakers*
Bruce: I thought I told you two to knock it off.
Tim: We didn’t say anything!
Damian: Not one word!
Bruce: Well, no Morse code either.
Tag: incorrect batfamily quotes
Tim: *whispering* What’s your hurry?
Jason: *grabbing his leather jacket and kicking three-day-old garbage underneath the sofa* This place is depressing.
Dick: *yelling from the kitchen* Hey! I live here!
Jason: *yelling back* And I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it!
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Maybe if you cleaned up once in a while before these family visits, Nightwing…
Family Patrol Night…
Batman: *setting up surveillance equipment on the rooftop*
Robin: *watching the traffic down below while perched atop a gargoyle*
Nightwing: *balancing on the ledge (y’know, upside-down and on one hand, the yoosh)*
Red Robin: Jay, I have a riddle for you. What’s the sound of one hand clapping?
Red Hood: Piece of cake. *opens and closes his fist quickly, which makes a faint sound*
Red Robin: No, man. It’s a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Red Hood: No answer? Timmy, listen up. *quickly opens and closes his fist again*
Batman: Hn. *smirks*
Nightwing: *giggles and almost loses his balance*
Robin: -Tt-
Teaching your older brother an ancient form of meditation sacred to a line of assassins be like…
Damian: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Jason: Okay.
Damian: Embrace nothingness.
Jason: You got it.
Damian: Become like an uncarved stone.
Jason: Done.
Damian: Todd! You’re just pretending to know what I’m talking about!
Jason: True.
Damian: -Tt- It’s very frustrating!
Jason: I’ll bet.
When you ask your adoptive son how you can make up for all those lost years and he eagerly pulls out the new “Batman: Arkham Knight” game…
Jason: In the hunky robotic suit with adorable pointy ears, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this Manor, the amazeballs Jason Todd! *whistles and cheers*
Bruce: Hn.
Jason: And in the black, leather BatSpanx, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats – oh, correction, humiliating defeats, all of them by –
Bruce: Must you do this every time?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
That he must, Bats. That he must.
When Tim met Damian (an alternative version)…
Damian: *spots Tim sleeping by the Batcomputer* -Tt-
Damian: *nudges him* Wake up.
Tim: *wide-eyed and looking around the Batcave in a panic*
Tim: *wiping slobber off his face* Who in the world are you?
Damian: I’m your new brother.
Tim: Are you from the orphanage or do I really not undersand how babies are born?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
But you do understand how Robins work, right?
When you have occasional alliances with rogues with doctorates…
Harley Quinn: First of all, Bats, let me assure ya that Jason’s antics are perfectly normal for a sixteen-year-old (who, ya know, came back from the dead).
Batman: Actually, he’s nineteen, Harleen.
Harley Quinn: Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
Batman [to a criminal]: *gripping him tightly by the collar* You think you’ve got guts? Try raising my kids!
He’s… tired.
Robin: Todd, I’m going to jump off this skyscraper.
Red Hood: You know, kid, as the only adult here, I feel like I should say something.
Robin: What?
Red Hood: Cool!
Arsenal: Is it true that Batman has retractable fangs?
Red Hood:
Red Hood: Yes.
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 