Tag: incorrect batfamily quotes

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

When Batman (inexplicably) asks Hellblazer to watch over his sons while he’s away on a mission…

Nightwing: *comes in through the front door of the Manor*

Hellblazer: Ah, the Golden Boy has returned. Release the doves!  

Nightwing: Hi, Mr. Constantine.  

Red Hood: *breaks a window in the foyer and climbs in*

Hellblazer: And you must be the second Robin. I have been thoroughly briefed on you and if you do one thing wrong, I’m going to go medieval on your arse.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

When Batman (inexplicably) asks Hellblazer to watch over his sons while he’s away on a mission…

Nightwing: *comes in through the front door of the Manor*

Hellblazer: Ah, the Golden Boy has returned. Release the doves!  

Nightwing: Hi, Mr. Constantine.  

Red Hood: *breaks a window in the foyer and climbs in*

Hellblazer: And you must be the second Robin. I have been thoroughly briefed on you and if you do one thing wrong, I’m going to go medieval on your arse.

Red Hood: *leans on a wall and slides down into a cross-legged, sitting position*

Red Hood: *checks his watch, sighs, puts down his binoculars and taps a foot impatiently against the rooftop floor* 

Red Hood: *takes out his phone, opens incorrect-batfamily-quotes on Tumblr and scrolls through the “big brother of the year” tag*

Red Hood: *chuckles* I would totally do that. *browses* Yup, Timbo needs to sleep. *checks out the comments* That’s… nice. *looks to the sky as if he could use it to talk to someone from another Earth* Thanks… whoever you are. *scrunches his nose* And apparently… there’s a lot of you who think that I’m not too bad…

Red Hood: *gets up in a half a second flat, guns drawn*

Red Robin: *holding his hands up in surrender* Relax, relax. It’s just me.

Black Bat: *soundlessly stepping out of a dark corner* And me.

Nightwing: *hanging upside down and covering the eyeholes on Jason’s helmet* Aaaaand your favorite older brother.    

Red Hood: *peeling Dick’s blue-striped fingers off* Look, I don’t give a bat’s butt what the old man said, I’m taking this case –

Robin: *jumps down from behind a gargoyle and throws his hands up in frustration* What took you so long, Todd?! This whole day has been wasted waiting for you!

Red Hood: – gonna freakin’ bring down those lowlives who took Kori no matter what it – Wait, wait. What exactly is going on here?

Nightwing: *smiling excitedly* There is no case, Little Wing.

Red Hood: I don’t –    

Spoiler: *swings in from a nearby rooftop* Is he here? Did he buy – Oh, hey, Jay! Starfire’s giggling her orange-y, little head off watching you right now. *points to a hidden camera in a crevice* 

Red Hood: WHAT? But the leads –

Red Robin: Were made up. I hacked into your personal satellite. Sent some signals here and there, bada-bing-bada-boom.

Red Hood: How is all this even – I can’t – How’d you guys get past me? 

Batgirl: *rappelling from the Batjet with Duke* Because we helped them, duh. It was the only way to get you to come here today.

Red Hood: *takes his helmet off and rubs his face in utter confusion* I followed those leads for three weeks! I mean, Artemis and Bizarro –  

Artemis: *lands on the rooftop on Bizarro’s back, shrugs and hands her sword to Damian, who greedily grabs it* Just pretended to be pissed that you had to leave for your “mission”.

Bizarro: We not sad Red Him gone!                     

The Signal: So does he mean he was or… ?

Red Hood: If this is some kind of *doing air-quotation marks* intervention, you tell that arrogant, self-righteous, emotionally –

Batman: – inept, leather-clad furry that it won’t work.

Red Hood:

Batman: I’d like to give it a try anyway.

Red Hood: But we… we’re supposed to… we hate each other…

Batman: *grins and ruffles Jason’s hair* Hn. Don’t believe everything you read, kid.

Red Hood: *grins sheepishly back*

The Signal: *looks around for secret passageways on the rooftop and whispers to Tim* Where’d the boss even come from?

Alfred [on the Comm Link]: *clears his throat loudly* If you’re all quite finished, the rest of your family and friends – *muffled* Mr. Harper, once again, that vase is a family heirloom and was never intended for target practice – are waiting.

Batman: Let’s get you home.

Red Hood: Right. I’m starving.

Alfred: Please do hurry up. The candles can only stay up for so long.

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

I hope I’m not too late… Happy birthday, Jay!                   

Giving your brother a tour of your “nest” be like…

Tim: *gesturing vaguely towards what may or may not be a kitchen counter* I still have my coffee machine from Kon.

Jason: *lifting a leg up to avoid stepping on a scurrying rat* Do you even have a mattress?

Tim: *fishing out a box of Pop-Tarts from a pile of clothes on the floor* No, but I still have my coffee machine from Kon. 

Alfred: *walks into the Batcave with a tray of cookies*

Alfred: *watches as a thick, sticky, white substance drops from the ceiling and onto the tray*

Alfred: *sighs deeply* Is this absolutely necessary, Master Bruce?

Batman: *yelling from the ground floor while making a few adjustments to a vehicle* I thought it would brighten the cave up.

Alfred: *looks up at crevices on the ceiling* And where, may I ask, did you find this many of them?

Batman: 

Batman: Uh –

Alfred: *throws the guano-contaminated cookies into a trash bin* MASTER DAMIAN. *speed-walks out of the cave*

Nightwing: *getting off his motorcycle after it screeches to a halt* He is not gonna wanna see that room. *looks up* I like what you’ve done with the place. The yellow against all the black? *kisses his fingertips* Magnificent.

Batman: *grins* @fleetof-fandoms’ idea. You’ll have to send them a package for me. 

Nightwing: Yeaaaah… I don’t think a bumblebee-colored Batmobile qualifies as a package-package, but sure, I’ll drive it over. 

Damian: -Tt-

Dick: Be nice, Little D.

Damian: Pathetic.

Jason: *does an “Abort! Abort!” gesture with his hand*

Damian: Unworthy.

Tim: *smirking and whispering to me* Just ignore him.

Damian: *to his brothers, indignant* Why do they get all the credit?

Me: Wha– Hey, it’s not like I don’t tag my sources! Besides it’s your family that they all really come here for. Right, @siriuslyimmortal? Tell ‘em, tell – @siriuslyimmortal?

Alfred: *leading @siriuslyimmortal out of the Batcave* As I’ve told you many a time, young masters, this is not how we treat our guests. Now, if you’ll excuse us, a tour of the Manor awaits. As does your father, who will be much amused to hear about this little incident.

Dick: *cheerfully* You can stay in my room! I’ve got all kinds of memorabilia from the sixties, which was a pretty interesting decade for Batman and me, but –

Jason: *backhand-slaps Dick on the chest* Lame. I have Collector’s Editions of novels from the eighteenth century on the floor-to-ceiling shelves in my room –

Tim: *elbows Jason in the ribs* Uh, you living away from us makes it mine, Jay, which also makes it the safest of the Robin rooms –

Damian: *pushes Tim aside* Do not subject yourself to the foul odors of their substandard quarters, @siriuslyimmortal! They cannot offer you the company of my beloved pets – 

Alfred: *shuts the grandfather clock behind him*  

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Snapchats at the Manor…

Camera: *focuses on what looks like a leather seat, then on buttons with bat symbols on them, then on something glinting red*

Red Hood: *places his phone on the dashboard, takes off his helmet, winks at the camera, then bites into a Big Belly Burger* It’s Wednesday. Sometimes I eat in Batman’s car. Don’t tell him.

At the annual Justice League beach trip…

Clark: *happily soaking in the sunshine*

Bruce: *shifting positions every 15 seconds on his beach chair*

Diana: *frowns questioningly at him*

Bruce: *settles down reluctantly*

Bruce: Relaxing makes me tense.