Him: *claps his hands to get the students’ attention* “Okay, so. It’s your turn to try the moves I showed you. I need a volunteer. Who wants to go first?”
Hands: *shoot up in the air before he even finishes saying the word “first”*
Him: *beckons a student over* “You.”
Student: *approaches him*
Him: *chuckles sheepishly and holds up a hand* “Woah there, a little too close. I can, uh, practically smell your breath. *clears his throat* So here’s how it’s going to go. I’m going to tackle you from behind…”
Student: *staring at him dreamily*
Him: “… and you’re supposed to fight back.”
Student: *nodding absentmindedly*
Him: *proceeds to tackle them*
Student: *melts in his arms*
Him: *sighs in frustration*
>>> — <<<
Him: *does a standing double backflip, pulls escrima sticks from his back mid-air, then lands lightly on his feet, pouncing on a dummy*
Class: *silent*
Student: “You want us to do what now?”
JASON:
Him: *demonstrates how to disarm an attacker using a dummy*
Class: *watches in horror as the dummy practically breaks in half*
Him: *growls, stands up, then roughly wipes the sweat off his face*
Him: *finally notices their shock* “But, you know, it’s, um… It’s just one way to do it. You could always improvise.”
>>> — <<<
Student: *approaches him after class* “Mr. Todd, can I just pay you?”
Him: “Well, yeah, these classes aren’t exactly free…”
Student: “I mean, can I just pay you to go around with me?”
Him: “Uh…”
Student: *shaky breath* “It’s just that there’s this bully in my school and…”
Him: “Say no more. It’s on me.”
TIM:
Class: *puzzled*
Student A: “Uh… This is a train station.”
Him: *tossing a blindfold to each of them* Yup.
Student B: “Where exactly are we headed?”
Him: *listens for an oncoming train* On top.
Student C: “Of the train?”
Him: *sipping liquid caffeine from a sachet* Mm-hm.
Student D: *examining the blindfold in their hand, confused* “Yeah… I don’t think any of us are gonna get mugged on top of a train any time soon.”
Him: *wearing his own blindfold and smirking* “It’s better to know it and not need it.”
>>> — <<<
Class: *puzzled*
Student A: “Uh… This is a computer room.”
Him: *turning the lights on* “Yup. Each of you choose a laptop.”
Student B: “What exactly are we doing here? I thought this was a self-defense class.”
Him: *turning on the state-of-the-art laptop at the front of the room* “Ever heard of cyber bullying?”
DAMIAN:
Him: *drags a heavy crate into the training room and opens it* “Line up. Pick your weapon. Then pair up. Do it quickly and” *narrows his eyes* "quietly.“
Student A: *whispering while gingerly touching the tip of an arrowhead* “Is this… kryptonite?”
Student B: *whispering back while examining the katana in their hand* “I don’t know, but I don’t think this is gonna fit in my purse.”
>>> — <<<
Him: *pacing around the room* “As I was saying, every martial art is” – *does a double take* “Todd?”
Jason: *walking into the dojo with a student* “In the flesh. Wassup, little brother?”
Student: *points at Damian* “That’s the bully I was telling you about!”
Him: “-Tt-”
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
You know, I’ve read great reviews about these self-defense instructors from Gotham City. But I heard Batman might take you in soon after completing their courses, @prison-mikes-bandana . *scoffs* That’s silly.
Jason: *gets up, dusts himself off, then slowly walks towards Damian’s student*
Damian’s student: *backs away, trembling in fear, until they hit a wall*
Jason: *towering over them* “One: That hurt.” *rolls his eyes* “My feelings.”
Jason: “Two:” *breaks the shaft of the arrow sticking out of his flank in half* “I’m undead, not Kryptonian.”
Jason: *narrows his eyes* “And, three…”
Damian’s student: *close to tears, shielding their face*
Jason: *smirks* “Your teacher taught you well.” *pats them on the shoulder*
Damian: “Are you done, Todd? I have a class to teach.”
Jason: *cracks his knuckles* “No, not really. I have beef with you because apparently you have beef with a student of mine.” *gestures to his own student*
Jason’s student: *raises their hand proudly*
The rest of the students: *buzzing with excitement, placing bets*
Damian: “-Tt-” *gritting his teeth* “Can we please settle this at home? I’m kind of busy here.”
Jason: *rubbing his chin* “Huh. Speaking of beef… I could use some of Alfred’s stew.”
Jason’s student: *whispering to him* “Who’s Alfred?”
Foreword: Okay, this wasn’t even an Ask or a prompt sent specifically to me, but I reblogged this post a bunch of times with my own answers back in September 2019 (T’was fun!) and figured I might as well compile them into one post. That being said, thank you to @batmanisagatewaydrug for the suggestion. (P.S. If you do come across the original post, check out what the others answered. Pretty hilarious stuff.)
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –
Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?
Batman: *snorts, then lets go of the door handle and glares at the window*
Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of the consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –
Driver: *eyeing them through the rearview mirror* So, you two headed to Gotham Comic Con?
Batman: Hrrrn.
Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.
>>> — <<<
Red Hood: *takes his helmet off, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*
Driver: Sir, that’s not –
Red Hood: *blows smoke out of the window and offers him a stick* Want one?
Driver: No, it’s… it’s fine. Thank you.
Red Hood: You seen any penguins around here lately?
Driver: Penguins… Like the ones at the zoo?
Red Hood: *surveying every establishment they drive by* No, no. Suspicious ones.
Driver: I, um… don’t think so…
Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.
Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –
Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –
Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rearview mirror*
Red Hood: *hands him a hundred dollar bill, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man. Stay safe.
Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the back door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.
>>> — <<<
Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!
Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked… ?
Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*
Driver: *eyeing him through the rearview mirror* Costume party, huh?
Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Unfunny clowns, talking crocodiles, two-faced men… You name it.
Driver: Sounds wild.
Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.
Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop off you at *zooms the location in* the Gotham Garbage and Recycling Center? … At 2 AM?
Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*
>>> — <<<
At Gotham Academy…
Damian: *glares at the driver through the rearview mirror*
Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*
Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.
Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?
Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.
Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, please don’t – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button on his phone after keying in “911”*
Damian: That won’t be necessary.
Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*
Meanwhile…
Alfred: *answers the phone while chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transporta– Oh, oh, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought – Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. *click*
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 