Tag: grumpy old kid

Have you considered: April 1st in the Wayne Household. There’s only One Rule, don’t prank Alfred

Tim: *walks into the Wayne Manor library with a Bubble Boy suit on*

Jason:

Tim: Go on. Lemme have it.

Jason: *looks up from the book he’s reading* Excuse me?

Tim: I’m ready.

Jason: For… ?

Tim: *smirks* You tell me.

Jason: Ohh kay. *goes back to reading his book*

Tim: *in a singsong voice* I don’t have all day, Jay. Patrol’s gonna be crazy, you know how it is on this day. But I really wanna make the most of it this year, so I’m giving you a chance. *arms wide open* I’m heeeeere.

Jason: *shuts his book and sighs* Look, Timbo, if you’re having one of your “moments", I can –

Tim: *chuckles and points at him* Ohhh ohhh you’re good. You’re really good.

Jason: *exasperated* At what? What is this about, Tim?

Tim: Come ooon, man! *looks at the ceiling, as if expecting something to drop down from there* Don’t let me down this year, Jay. I came up with an algorithm and made a suit and everything.

Jason: You know what, you’re making me uncomfortable, so… *gets up from the couch* Imma head out.

Tim: *wobbles towards him, tripping over his suit* No, no, no, no, wait! Jay! Jason! Peter! I’m good! You can do whatever you want! Name it, I’m ready for it! Team up with the little brat if you have to – *voice gets drowned out by Jason shutting the door*

Jason: *shakes his head and dials a number on his mobile phone*

Jason: Hey. It’s me. Yeah, about that… *looks around to make sure no one’s listening*

Jason: *chuckles* He’s so sleep-deprived that he’s a day early. We might have to step up our game, though.

Damain [on the other end of the line]: -Tt-

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

In all seriousness, stay safe on the 1st, kids. Maybe Rule Number 2 is no COVID-19-related pranks, yeah? 

In honor of Quarantine it means I can walk out wearing whatever I want long as no one can see skin, so I’m going to the store in a full Red Hood costume.

Me [to @thepoolofthedead]: You know, that’s a, um, really convincing outfit. You sure this is a good idea? I mean we are in Gotham and –

thepoolofthedead: *shrugs*

Me: Let’s just, er, keep a low profile, maybe?

Roller skates: *slowing down to a stop in front of us*

Harley Quinn: *squeals from behind her sparkly face mask and holds out grabby hands* If it isn’t my precious Baby J! Okay, NOT to be mistaken for Mistah J, who freakin’ dumped me again! I mean, he just beat me to it! It was my turn – myyyyy turn – to dump his pale butt! *scoffs* Well, you know what, I don’t need him no more, no sireeeee! *pouts* But it got lonely in my apartment real fast… So, what’s a gal to do, right? Figured I’d roll around the streets for a while, find a pal or two… All my buddies refuse to get outta their “lairs” or whatever. Boo hoo! And I  was, like, but aren’t we all doctors or somethin’? *lights up* In summary, how great is this? Who’s ya friend? Wanna hang out? 

Batmobile: *screeches to a halt in front of us*

Batman [to us]: *rolls window on driver’s side down* Get in. Now.

Nightwing: *on the passenger side* Come on, guys, we’re on a tight schedule. Hey, Harley!

Harley Quinn: *cheerfully* Hey there, handsome!

Robin: *in the backseat, opens the door* Now. We still have to pass by for Drake. It’s gonna take a while to wake him up.

Batman: *narrows his eyes and clears his throat* Harleen. 

Harley Quinn: Wha– *throws her hands up in exasperation, pouts, and moves a few inches away from thepoolofthedead* Ya happy now, Bats? Or do ya need to get a measuring stick to make sure I’m six feet away from ya kid?

Batman: Hrn. I told you, until that vaccine comes out of Wayne Enterprises R&D, I don’t want you near my children. Who knows what you’ve been touching.

Harley Quinn: *grins suggestively* Well, you do.

Batman: *grunts* Go home. And stay there. *proceeds to roll window up*

Harley Quinn: In case you haven’t noticed, Bats, I’m immune to most types of – *voice gets drowned out* 

Batman: *tosses a Wayne Tech-grade disinfectant at us and activates the Batmobile’s air sterilization system*

Nightwing: *dialing Tim’s number* Alfred is gonna be pissssed. I already got, like, four missed calls. We’re gonna get schooled. Over Dinner. Again.

Robin: *narrows eyes at thepoolofthedead* New perfume, Todd? 

Me [to thepoolofthedead]: *whispering* So, uh, should you tell ‘em or should I?

~ ~ ~ 1 hour later ~ ~ ~

Red Hood: *revving up his motorcycle and on the Comm Link* On the way, Alf! Just had to pick up some surgical masks from this supplier I know and drop it off at the Gotham Children’s Hospi– What do you mean I just ate?

As a kid I attempted to ship my sister to Egypt. Even tricked her into getting into the box. The only thing stopping me was a lack of stamps and adults taking me seriously. How many times do you think any of the BatKids tried something like that to each other?

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Me: Here’s the thing… We’re talking about the Batkids here… They’ve got the brains, the resources, the gall, and an adoptive father who’s basically just stopped caring after the nth successful atte–

Dick: *from one end of the hall, talking on the phone* Uh, yes, is this Wayne Airlines? Yeah, I’m calling regarding a box that’s currently on one of your flights. It should be big enough to fit a teenager. Uh, yeah, hold on *covers the mouthpiece* Jason, which flight was it?

Jason: *yelling from the other end of the hall* Over my dead-again body, Dick.

Dick: *on the phone* Yeah, um, can you give me just a second?

Dick: *heads over to Damian on the other side of the room* Little D, come on, I need to know where Tim is before Bruce gets home.

Damian: *painting a portrait of Titus* Two words, Grayson. Social. Distancing.

Jason: *yelling* He’s finally getting uninterrupted sleep, Dickie!

Dick: You can’t keep sending Tim overseas for that reason –

Damian: That’s true, that’s why we send him for other reasons, too –

Jason: Shhhh!!! Alfred’s coming!

Dick: That’s it. I’m tell– *gets tackled to the ground by Damian*

Jason: *picks up the phone* Uh, yeah, sorry about that. Turns out I had the wrong airline. K, thanks, bye!

Me: So, um, yeah, @rosebloodwater .

Tim: *tightening some knots* Just do it, Jay.

Jason: Timbo, you know me, I’m all for pranks, but don’t you think we’re taking this just a tad bit too –

Tim: *fetches some Wayne Tech-grade super glue and pours it on the knots* Far. Yes, exactly. As far as possible.

Jason: When Dick finds out about this –

Tim: Just DO IT, Jason. 

Jason: *muttering* I’m telling Alfred this was all your idea.

Tim: *packing some power bars into a Robin-themed backpack* What was that?

Jason: No-thing.

Jason: *sighhhhhhhs*

Jason: *dials a number on his phone* Bizarro? Yeah, this is, um… This am Red Him. I not miss you, too, big buddy! But, hey, listen, I’ve got a favor to ask you…

~ ~ ~ 5 hours later ~ ~ ~

Damian: *slowly opens his eyes, yawns, and stretches his limbs*

Damian: *gets up, grabs the backpack by his feet, and realizes that he’s wearing a freakin’ space suit* -Tt-

Damian: *narrows his eyes at the huge sign about a hundred meters away from him*

Sign: BiZArRO WOrLd

Damian: DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

When you’re bored out of your mind at Kent Farm because your fathers are busy hanging out and won’t let you go on patrol without adult supervision…

Bruce and Clark: *chatting and drinking coffee*

Jon: *lies down on the grass* What are you doing?

Damian: *yawns* I’m just trying to throw batarangs at my father’s head, but the wind keeps taking it.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Mornings at the Manor…

Tim: I’m losing my mind, guys. I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.

Alfred: *swiftly takes a step to the side to hide a frayed wire jutting from the kitchen wall*

Jason: *carefully pries the mug of espresso off Tim’s pale, trembling fingers*

Damian: *stealthily moves the butter knife away from Tim’s grasp*

Dick: *grabs Tim’s face and buries it on his chest in a tight hug*

Bruce: *closes the Gotham Gazette, stands up, then fireman-carries his heavily sleep-deprived son up to his room*

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Torn apart furniture. Food and some sort of ink (or is that blood?) smeared all over the walls and carpets. A scorched living room ceiling. Tim tries to explain what happened to a visiting Conner…   

Tim: It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I’ll just simplify. 

Tim: *points at Damian* “Dynamite”. 

Tim: *points at Jason* “Kid with matches”.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Tim: I’m sick of you always having an edge just because you’re cruel and I’m smart and I’m concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you! 

Damian: Oh, yeah? *sarcastically* I’m really scared. Why don’t you just –

Damian: *realizes that his hand is stuck to his forehead *

Damian: *gritting his teeth* Drake, what did you do?  

Tim: *holds up a tube of Super Glue* I sank to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.