Tag: grumpy old kid

The question is, would any of the Batkids prank Bruce on April 1st?

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*

Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*

Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*

Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*

Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*

Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*

Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*

Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.

Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*

Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*

Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?

Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him* 

Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.

Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*

Bruce: Alf– 

Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder. 

Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.

Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?

Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away* 

Bruce: *heads to a secret room*

Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?

Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented  by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –

Bruce: Stop. Hn. 

Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*

Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?

Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?

Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?

Meanwhile…

The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*  

Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.

image

Alfred: *sighs and gestures to a pile of onesies by his rocking chair*

Alfred: *holds up a cat-shaped one, then a turkey-shaped one, then a cow-shaped one*

Alfred: And of course… *spreads a gigantic, beast-shaped one across the carpeted floor*

Alfred: The youngest Wayne insists that they be ready before winter, @rubysoleilsworld​ .

Do you think the bat kids have gotten used to Damian’s blatant displays of affection for his father and demonic spawn violence against everyone else? (I.e. I imagine Damian would have no qualms calling Bruce ‘daddy’ and hanging onto him when he wants something)

Red Hood: Did it work?

Robin: *scoffs* Must you ask me that, Todd? *holds up the keycard to the Batmobile*

Red Robin: Ha! *holds out his hand* Pay up, Jay! I knew it. I knew it.

Red Hood: I’m honestly impressed. *slaps $100 on Tim’s hand* 

Robin: *adjusts his collar* Blood son, remember? 

Red Hood: *opening his wallet and letting its contents drop on the table* Now, let’s say I pay you… two hundred… fifty-six dollars and… sixty cents, would that make you nicer to us?

Red Robin: *turns on his mobile banking app* Hold on, hold on, plenty more where that came from.

Nightwing: *enters the room* 

Robin: *runs to Dick and hugs him tightly*

Nightwing: *surprised* Heeeey, Li’l D… You okay?

Red Hood: Nice.

Red Robin: We haven’t even paid  you yet.

Robin: *burying his face in Dick’s tummy, muffling his voice* You don’t have to pay me for this.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 

Meanwhile, in the Batcave…

Batman: *replaying surveillance footage of Damian whimpering and hugging him tightly seconds  before he hands over the keycard for the nth time*

Batman: *narrows his eyes* Hrnnn.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

@tenaciouspeacesandwich Uhhhh… Yes and no?

Which of the batkids can I hug without them stabbing/shooting me?that is the Question

Red Hood: *pointing a gun at Dick’s foot* I beg you, Boy Wonder, freakin’ dare me!

Nightwing: *disarms Jason with a twirl of his escrima stick* Yeah, that’s right, Boy Wonder, the original, which means I get to go first, Little Wing –

Robin: *scoffs and cuts Dick’s escrima stick in half with his sword* Too bad “first” doesn’t equal “competent”, Grayson –

Red Robin: *tackles and pins Damian to the ground with his bo staff* To be fair, Dick’s probably the most competent among all of us when to comes to this thing, but since apparently it’s a competition –

Spoiler: *caresses Tim’s face, which causes him to drop his weapon* Are you really gonna compete with me, Timmy…? Psych! *sweep-kicks Tim, causing him to fall to the ground*

@dangerous-doodle : *walks into the room*

The Robins: *hide their weapons in 0.2 seconds flat* Hey, you…!

@dangerous-doodle: …

Oracle: *facepalming in embarrasment* We talked about this.

Oracle: You know what? Fine. Cass? Duke? You can go first.

Cass and Duke: *run towards @dangerous-doodle for a hug*

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

It’s not you who you should be worrying about, @dangerous-doodle .

The question is, would any of the Batkids prank Bruce on April 1st?

Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*

Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*

Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*

Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*

Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*

Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*

Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*

Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.

Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*

Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*

Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?

Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him* 

Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.

Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*

Bruce: Alf– 

Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder. 

Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.

Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?

Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away* 

Bruce: *heads to a secret room*

Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?

Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented  by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –

Bruce: Stop. Hn. 

Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*

Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?

Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?

Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?

Meanwhile…

The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*  

Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.

Have you considered: April 1st in the Wayne Household. There’s only One Rule, don’t prank Alfred

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Tim: *walks into the Wayne Manor library with a Bubble Boy suit on*

Jason:

Tim: Go on. Lemme have it.

Jason: *looks up from the book he’s reading* Excuse me?

Tim: I’m ready.

Jason: For… ?

Tim: *smirks* You tell me.

Jason: Ohh kay. *goes back to reading his book*

Tim: *in a singsong voice* I don’t have all day, Jay. Patrol’s gonna be crazy, you know how it is on this day. But I really wanna make the most of it this year, so I’m giving you a chance. *arms wide open* I’m heeeeere.

Jason: *shuts his book and sighs* Look, Timbo, if you’re having one of your “moments", I can –

Tim: *chuckles and points at him* Ohhh ohhh you’re good. You’re really good.

Jason: *exasperated* At what? What is this about, Tim?

Tim: Come ooon, man! *looks at the ceiling, as if expecting something to drop down from there* Don’t let me down this year, Jay. I came up with an algorithm and made a suit and everything.

Jason: You know what, you’re making me uncomfortable, so… *gets up from the couch* Imma head out.

Tim: *wobbles towards him, tripping over his suit* No, no, no, no, wait! Jay! Jason! Peter! I’m good! You can do whatever you want! Name it, I’m ready for it! Team up with the little brat if you have to – *voice gets drowned out by Jason shutting the door*

Jason: *shakes his head and dials a number on his mobile phone*

Jason: Hey. It’s me. Yeah, about that… *looks around to make sure no one’s listening*

Jason: *chuckles* He’s so sleep-deprived that he’s a day early. We might have to step up our game, though.

Damain [on the other end of the line]: -Tt-

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

In all seriousness, stay safe on the 1st, kids. Maybe Rule Number 2 is no COVID-19-related pranks, yeah? 

Dick: *rubbing his chin thoughtfully* Well, maybe this year it’s different. Maybe he actually wants to be part of the fun.

Jason: *rolls eyes* Yeah, and I’ve never done anything illegal in my life.

Damian: Grayson, I expected more from you.

Tim: *looking disheveled after surviving whatever Jason and Damian had in store for him earlier in the day* Hold on, hold on… Dick’s right. I mean, how well do we really know Bruce anyway?

Duke: But isn’t this a little extreme?

Steph: *scoffs* What, like that’s not his style?

Duke: You’ve got a point.

Cass: … Or we could just ask Alfred?

Babs: Do you honestly think that he wouldn’t be in on this?
 
All of them: *staring at an empty, tattered, and bloody Batman suit sprawled on the Batcave floor*

Meanwhile…

Alfred: *in his room, shaking his head while looking at April 1 on his calendar* Oh, Master Bruce. 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Could be real, could be a prank. What do you guys think?

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Bruce: I was just thinking, when my time comes –

Dick: Bruce!

Damian: Father!

Bruce: Listen to me. When my time comes, I want to be buried at sea.

Tim: You what?

Bruce: I want to be buried at sea. It looks like fun.

Jason: Define “fun”.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Also, you might want to have a word with Arthur about that.