BaTube video titled “The Blood Son’s Vlog #352”: *buffering*
Damian (wtih a BatPro camera strapped to his forehead, giving first-person POV): *muffled sounds, lens zooming in and out*
Damian: *camera shakes slightly as he walks around* Hello. I’m Damian Wayne, the Blood Son. I’m here at Stately Wayne Manor. Forgive me if I haven’t been posting videos as of late. I’ve been very busy – *Duke’s voice in the background: “I can’t tonight, Jefferson. It’s family patrol night with the Bats. Yup, Cass’s coming with us. We’re gonna kick some criminal bu–*” *clears throat loudly* Ignore that.
[CUT]
Damian: So, I received a question from *scrolling through Tumblr* “ @dangerous-doodle ” asking me how many pets I really have. Let me commend you for the excellent question. Many of my fans think they know all of my pets, but today I will finally reveal the truth. Allow me to show you.
[CUT]
Damian: *opens the door to his room and gestures to the cat on his king-sized bed* Alfred.
Alfred: *kneading the comforter, then suddenly claws violently at the camera*
[CUT]
Damian: *reaches the bottom of the stairs and walks into the front parlor* Ace and Titus.
Ace: *playfully chewing Titus’ ear* Rowrrrrr…
Titus: *pins Ace to the floor* Ruff! Ruff ruff!
Damian: *gives them a thumbs up* They say hi.
[CUT]
Damian: *enters the playroom and dodges a tennis ball* -Tt-
Jon: *waves to the camera* Hey, guys!
Damian: As always, my colleague Jon –
Jon: *makes a disgusted face* Colleague? Don’t you mean Super Best Bud?
Damian: *watching Jon and Krypto play catch while flying*
Damian: *in a low voice* It pains me to break the kid’s heart, but Krypto actually likes me more –
Jon: *catching the ball before it goes through a Wayne family portrait* Super hearing, remember?
[CUT]
Damian: *sitting cross-legged on a mound of hay, with Jerry the Turkey nestled in between his legs and Bat-Cow’s head resting on his thigh*
Damian: *caressing them* Can you keep a secret? This is where I hang out when I want to get away from everyone else in the Manor. To be alone. With Jerry and Bat-Cow, of course. Father built this barn for me, but I’ve put a passcode so that no one else can –
Bat-Cow: *farts*
Damian: *gasping for air*
[CUT]
Damian: *heads to the pool area* Over there, you’ll see my duck, Drake. He’s quite the swimmer.
Tim: *splashing water onto the camera* Get away, Brat!
Steph: *watching from a pool chair, cackling* He’s not wrong, though!
[CUT]
Camera: *shows the automated garage door slowly opening*
Damian: *whispers* I knew it’d be here…
Damian: Meet my fire-breathing dragon, Todd.
Jason: *lights up a cigarette, takes a drag, then blows smoke at the camera* Sup?
Damian: *coughs* Incredibly, incredibly *coughs* rude. I wonder why Father still chooses to keep him.
[CUT]
Camera: *violent shaking, sounds of a struggle, red everywhere*
Damian: Sit! I said SIT!
Damian: *wipes sweat off his forehead, then stands up and moves away to show the entirety of a sulking Goliath*
Damian: And here *panting* is my sweet, sweet *glares at Goliath* baby. If you thought he were to be feared, then you’d be right. *wipes his eyes tiredly and snuggles up against Goliath* He sure is *yawns* cuddly, though… *light snoring*
Camera: *focused on Goliath’s nose, causing the lens to fog up with every breath*
[CUT]
Damian: *enters a cave, with hay and red fur all over his clothes* Is he here?
Barbara: *not looking up from her laptop* Are you doing one of your vlogs again?
Damian: -Tt- Yes! Now, where is he?
Barbara: *smirking* Why do you wanna know? And why do you sound nervous?
Damian: *scoffs* I’m not nervo–
Dick: *lifts Damian from behind, then turns the teenager to face his belly for a tight hug*
Camera: *smooshing, pitch-black*
Dick: *muffled* Gotchaaaa!
Damian: *muffled* G-graysooon, gerofff meee –
Dick: *loosens his hold*
Damian: *sprints away*
Dick: Hey, where’re you going, Little D?
Damian: *stopping to catch his breath* That was… *exhales slowly* the Hug Monster. An awfully impulsive and aggressive pet.
[CUT]
Camera [second-person POV]: *Damian emptying cans of gourmet pet food into different bowls handed to him by Alfred the Butler*
Damian: And there you have it. My home is crawling with pets. Some are harder to care for than others, but perhaps that’s for another time. Thanks for watching. This is The Blood Son, signing off –
Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*
Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*
Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*
Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*
Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*
Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*
Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*
Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.
Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*
Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*
Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him*
Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.
Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*
Bruce: Alf–
Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder.
Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.
Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?
Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away*
Bruce: *heads to a secret room*
Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?
Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –
Bruce: Stop. Hn.
Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*
Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?
Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?
Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?
Meanwhile…
The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*
Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.
Alfred: *sighs and gestures to a pile of onesies by his rocking chair*
Alfred: *holds up a cat-shaped one, then a turkey-shaped one, then a cow-shaped one*
Alfred: And of course… *spreads a gigantic, beast-shaped one across the carpeted floor*
Alfred: The youngest Wayne insists that they be ready before winter, @rubysoleilsworld .
From: Batman & Robin Eternal #20 (2016)
Perhaps if y’all had just waited for “the Real Robin” to finish his “Year of Blood” you could’ve avoided this mess?
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 