When your adoptive father wants to have a private conversation with a colleague but you’re bored out of your mind and eavesdropping seems fun..
Nightwing [on the Comm Link]: *hanging from one of the ceiling stalactites in the Batcave* His mouth hasn’t moved in three and a half minutes.
Red Hood [on the Comm Link]: *crouching behind the glass case of his Robin uniform* Hal Jordan’s probably got him on hold.
Robin [on the Comm Link]: *sitting inside the dinosaur’s oral cavity* No, no. His nostrils are flaring. He’s pacing like a maniac.
Red Robin [on the Comm Link]: *viewing Batman from his own bedroom via a secret camera he installed on the Batmobile* And he just switched his phone from his right hand to his left hand like he wants to punch someone.
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Perhaps because he knew that you boys have been listening in all along? Y’all ain’t slick.
Tag: family patrol nights
Family Patrol Night…
Batman: *setting up surveillance equipment on the rooftop*
Robin: *watching the traffic down below while perched atop a gargoyle*
Nightwing: *balancing on the ledge (y’know, upside-down and on one hand, the yoosh)*
Red Robin: Jay, I have a riddle for you. What’s the sound of one hand clapping?
Red Hood: Piece of cake. *opens and closes his fist quickly, which makes a faint sound*
Red Robin: No, man. It’s a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Red Hood: No answer? Timmy, listen up. *quickly opens and closes his fist again*
Batman: Hn. *smirks*
Nightwing: *giggles and almost loses his balance*
Robin: -Tt-
Robin: Todd, I’m going to jump off this skyscraper.
Red Hood: You know, kid, as the only adult here, I feel like I should say something.
Robin: What?
Red Hood: Cool!
Infiltrating a top secret government facility…
Red Hood: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
Robin: Grayson told me to stay.
Red Hood: Oh.
Red Hood: *pats his head* Well, good boy.
Family Patrol Night…
Red Robin: *disarming the security system at a criminal compound* Uhhh, what do I have to do for you?
Red Hood [on the Comm Link]: *taking down a group of henchmen* Just promise to be sad at my (second) funeral.
Red Robin: *hacking into the control tower mainframe* Do I have to cry?
Red Hood: *activating the timer on an explosive device attached to a chain link fence* No.
Red Robin: *downloading top secret evidence onto a hard drive* Will there be food?
Red Hood: *running away from the site* Yes.
Red Robin: *reclining on the computer chair as he waits for said download to finish* Can I bring a date?
Red Hood: *BOOM*
Red Hood: *static*
Red Hood: *panting* You’re just screwing with me now, right?
Red Robin: *grinning* How does it feel?
When your detective of a father asks you and your brothers what happened to the Batmobile…
Bruce [to Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian]: *narrows eyes*
Bruce: Usually, when everything’s normal, people don’t respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.
Warehouse: *explodes*
Red Robin: *watches as debris slowly fall into the Gotham Harbor*
Red Hood: *looks at Tim questioningly*
Red Robin: Bruce’s not going to say anything because we’re not going to tell him.
Red Hood: We’re not?
Red Robin: No, we’re not.
Red Hood: Alright. I like that.
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Because Tim would totally propose this and Jason would totally agree.
Preparing for Family Patrol Night…
Robin: *adjusting Goliath’s leash* What, Todd, for the first time ever, doesn’t want to do this?
Nightwing: *stuffing cereal packets into strategic places in his suit* No, no, he does. It’s just that he’s been so mopey.
Red Robin: *checking the coordinates of a supervillain’s lair on the Batcomputer* Well, that could have something to do with the fact that today’s his death anniversary.
Nightwing: I don’t know what it is.
Red Robin: I think that’s what it is.
Robin: -Tt- Who knows with him?
Red Robin: *looks into the camera like he’s on “The Office”*
In the middle of a jungle mission and both of Tim’s legs are broken…
Robin: Well, we definitely can’t leave Drake!
Red Hood: We have to. Tim, I’m sorry –
Red Robin: No, you’re not.
Red Hood: I am, actually, which whatever, but –
Robin: *cocks and aims one of Jason’s guns at him* We are not leaving Drake!
Red Hood: What do you even think you’re doing?
Robin: I AM TAKING COMMAND!
Red Hood and Red Robin: *look at each other*
Red Hood and Red Robin: *laugh hysterically*
Red Hood: Oh my goodness! *wiping tears from his eyes* Okay. Thanks, little D. I think we needed that.
Red Robin: *clutching his belly and sighing blissfully* We did. We really did.
Breaking into a top secret facility…
Red Hood: *making snarky comments as they sneak past every guard*
Red Robin: Wait, here’s an idea: You talk louder, and maybe they’ll just come to us.
Red Hood: We’d lose the element of surprise, Timbo.
Red Robin: That was sarcasm!
Red Hood: No way, really? Because so was that, just now!
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