Damian: *yelling from across the hall* I’d punish you for that tasteless comment, Drake!
Damian: But… -Tt- It’s admittedly not easy from this far.
Damian: Just… Just don’t get sick, okay?
Tim: *grinning* Didn’t realize you cared.
Damian: Shut up! Or I’ll send my cat to do the job for me! *slams his bedroom door shut*
>>> *** <<<
Tim: *rolls his eyes, not looking up from his laptop* Cass, I know you’re there.
Cass: *hangs upside down from the ceiling* Oh, sorry! I forgot my ballet shoes in one of the gym bags I borrowed from you –
Tim: Yeah, but you don’t have to crawl on my ceiling. You only need to be at least six feet away, not six feet above.
>>> *** <<<
Tim: *walks past Jason in the kitchen, unintentionally brushing against his arm*
Red Hood: Are you crazy, Tim?! I just came from patrol! Crane? Nygma? Who knows what I brought home with me! At least give me time to wear my mask first, it’s got a filter and everything. *fumbles with his pockets, finds his nontoxic sanitizer and sprays Tim with it* Shoo! Scat! No, you know what? You’ve got to eat to get stronger, so – MOVE! *tries his darndest not to brush against him*
Red Hood: *mumbling to himself as he walks away* What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have come here!
>>> *** <<<
Tim: *sends a text message* Wanna hang out?
Steph: *replies* Babe, what part of me trying to save your life don’t you get?
>>> *** <<<
Duke: *kicking*He shoots, he scores!
Tim: *watches in agony as the ball goes past him and into the goal*
Duke: *pumps his fist in the air* YEEEEESSSSS! 1-0 in favor of Thomas!
Tim: *offers to bump fists* Good game, my man. But maybe next time we play something else? Maybe some D&D?
Duke: *bumps fists with him* Haha! Or maybe you should just practice your soccer moves.
Tim: See ya around, Duke.
Duke: *doffs an imaginary hat* Take care, dude. Till a real game.
Tim: *turns off his hologram generator*
>>> *** <<<
Barbara [e-mail]:Here’s a list of every possible article (that isn’t fake) about this disease. You don’t need to cross-reference them since I already did that (duh), but you could if you’re bored. I’ve also got previously unreleased intel from S.T.A.R. Labs, and by “got”, of course I meant “hacked” –
Tim: *shuts his laptop and chuckles to himself* Already got ‘em, Babs.
>>> *** <<<
Dick: *knocking on Tim’s bedroom door* Hey, Tim? Buddy? Are you feeling okay? I could call Dr. Thompkins if…
Tim [from inside the room]: *working on some cold cases* I’m fine, Dick.
Dick: Okay, well… I’m sorry you can’t have dinner with us right now. Alf offered to bring your food up for you. We just wanna make sure nothing happens to you, you know?
Tim: *sighs* I know, Dick.
Dick: … We miss you.
Tim: … I miss you, too, Dick.
>>> *** <<<
Bruce: Don’t. Remove. It.
Tim: *struggling to walk while wearing a state-of-the-art Bubble Bat Boy suit, which automatically assembles gliding pads on its feet* This is ridiculous, Bruce –
Bruce: Not as ridiculous as my allowing you to risk your life.
Tim: Really? Now you worry about me risking my –
Bruce: *clears his throat roughly* Like I said, until that vaccine from Wayne R&D passes every single testing phase, you’re staying in that thing and at home.
Tim: *groans*
>>> *** <<<
Later at the Wayne Manor rooftop…
Kon: Wow.
Tim: *in his bubble suit* I know, right?
Kon: *pokes at the bubble, which generates a force field in reaction* So, when are you gonna tell ‘em?
Tim: *adjusts the IV line supplying him liquid caffeine* About the spleen I grew in the Titans lab using stolen Cadmus tech?
Kon: Well, yeah.
Tim: Ehhh… *shrugs* Maybe when I get really tired of this suit. Besides… it’s been quiet. Almost peaceful. I’m still enjoying all of it.
Tim: Alfred knows, though. He performed the surgery. Helps me get out of this thing when I want to go on patrol.
Kon: Huh.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
I guess you could say that, @tenaciouspeacesandwich . Thanks for this ask!
BaTube video titled “The Blood Son’s Vlog #352”: *buffering*
Damian (wtih a BatPro camera strapped to his forehead, giving first-person POV): *muffled sounds, lens zooming in and out*
Damian: *camera shakes slightly as he walks around* Hello. I’m Damian Wayne, the Blood Son. I’m here at Stately Wayne Manor. Forgive me if I haven’t been posting videos as of late. I’ve been very busy – *Duke’s voice in the background: “I can’t tonight, Jefferson. It’s family patrol night with the Bats. Yup, Cass’s coming with us. We’re gonna kick some criminal bu–*” *clears throat loudly* Ignore that.
[CUT]
Damian: So, I received a question from *scrolling through Tumblr* “ @dangerous-doodle ” asking me how many pets I really have. Let me commend you for the excellent question. Many of my fans think they know all of my pets, but today I will finally reveal the truth. Allow me to show you.
[CUT]
Damian: *opens the door to his room and gestures to the cat on his king-sized bed* Alfred.
Alfred: *kneading the comforter, then suddenly claws violently at the camera*
[CUT]
Damian: *reaches the bottom of the stairs and walks into the front parlor* Ace and Titus.
Ace: *playfully chewing Titus’ ear* Rowrrrrr…
Titus: *pins Ace to the floor* Ruff! Ruff ruff!
Damian: *gives them a thumbs up* They say hi.
[CUT]
Damian: *enters the playroom and dodges a tennis ball* -Tt-
Jon: *waves to the camera* Hey, guys!
Damian: As always, my colleague Jon –
Jon: *makes a disgusted face* Colleague? Don’t you mean Super Best Bud?
Damian: *watching Jon and Krypto play catch while flying*
Damian: *in a low voice* It pains me to break the kid’s heart, but Krypto actually likes me more –
Jon: *catching the ball before it goes through a Wayne family portrait* Super hearing, remember?
[CUT]
Damian: *sitting cross-legged on a mound of hay, with Jerry the Turkey nestled in between his legs and Bat-Cow’s head resting on his thigh*
Damian: *caressing them* Can you keep a secret? This is where I hang out when I want to get away from everyone else in the Manor. To be alone. With Jerry and Bat-Cow, of course. Father built this barn for me, but I’ve put a passcode so that no one else can –
Bat-Cow: *farts*
Damian: *gasping for air*
[CUT]
Damian: *heads to the pool area* Over there, you’ll see my duck, Drake. He’s quite the swimmer.
Tim: *splashing water onto the camera* Get away, Brat!
Steph: *watching from a pool chair, cackling* He’s not wrong, though!
[CUT]
Camera: *shows the automated garage door slowly opening*
Damian: *whispers* I knew it’d be here…
Damian: Meet my fire-breathing dragon, Todd.
Jason: *lights up a cigarette, takes a drag, then blows smoke at the camera* Sup?
Damian: *coughs* Incredibly, incredibly *coughs* rude. I wonder why Father still chooses to keep him.
[CUT]
Camera: *violent shaking, sounds of a struggle, red everywhere*
Damian: Sit! I said SIT!
Damian: *wipes sweat off his forehead, then stands up and moves away to show the entirety of a sulking Goliath*
Damian: And here *panting* is my sweet, sweet *glares at Goliath* baby. If you thought he were to be feared, then you’d be right. *wipes his eyes tiredly and snuggles up against Goliath* He sure is *yawns* cuddly, though… *light snoring*
Camera: *focused on Goliath’s nose, causing the lens to fog up with every breath*
[CUT]
Damian: *enters a cave, with hay and red fur all over his clothes* Is he here?
Barbara: *not looking up from her laptop* Are you doing one of your vlogs again?
Damian: -Tt- Yes! Now, where is he?
Barbara: *smirking* Why do you wanna know? And why do you sound nervous?
Damian: *scoffs* I’m not nervo–
Dick: *lifts Damian from behind, then turns the teenager to face his belly for a tight hug*
Camera: *smooshing, pitch-black*
Dick: *muffled* Gotchaaaa!
Damian: *muffled* G-graysooon, gerofff meee –
Dick: *loosens his hold*
Damian: *sprints away*
Dick: Hey, where’re you going, Little D?
Damian: *stopping to catch his breath* That was… *exhales slowly* the Hug Monster. An awfully impulsive and aggressive pet.
[CUT]
Camera [second-person POV]: *Damian emptying cans of gourmet pet food into different bowls handed to him by Alfred the Butler*
Damian: And there you have it. My home is crawling with pets. Some are harder to care for than others, but perhaps that’s for another time. Thanks for watching. This is The Blood Son, signing off –
Glam rock / Heartland rock ; goes by the pseudonym “Azul”; the Artist Formerly Known as Nightsing
He’s an incredible all-around performer, so it should come as no surprise that he’s a natural frontman (or solo act).
He’s constantly reinventing his look (short, long, mullet – you name it, he’s probably sported the hairstyle). And Discowing’s got nothing on the outfits he wears onstage.
People love booking or working with him because he’s very professional (but does have a volatile temper from time to time).
The only thing that he requests for in his hotel room or trailer? A poster of The Flying Graysons. Oh, and cereal. Lots of it.
He actually uses the Cirque–du–Soleil-ish set design, blowing minds all over the world.
He likes calling audience members onto the stage, and never forgets to introduce his bandmates and give credit to those who made the concert possible.
His bodyguards don’t get paid enough for the number (and level of aggression) of fans who throw themselves at him.
He actually responds to fan mail, loves visiting sick fans in the hospitals, and gives warm hugs during meet-and-greets.
A substantial part of the proceeds from all his concerts go to the Martha Wayne Foundation, which supports many schools and orphanages.
His “entourage”? His long-term girlfriend, Kory Anders ( “Azul! Over here! Gotham Gazette! Why haven’t you proposed yet?”), and his childhood best friend, Wally West.
For all his showmanship, he’s notoriously private about his personal life. And, honestly? The spotlight does make him tired.
JASON:
Folk rock / Grunge rock ; goes by the pseudonym “Rason Rodd”
He sings and plays rhythm guitar, while Roy Harper’s on either bass or drums and Lady Artemis slays on lead guitar. Together they’re known as The Outlaws, managed by Mr. Am Not Bizarro.
He sounds so much like Eddie Vedder that it’s eerie. Eerily beautiful.
His debut solo album “I Ain’t No Joker” went straight to #1 on the world charts.
He’s found that music can be an effective political tool, so expect to find him lending his talents, free of charge, to various charities and advocacies. (On that note, he’s already done jail time for his blatantly subversive lyrics.)
He’s on the road so much that he practically lives on the tour bus (that’s always stocked with beer and cigarettes). At this point, he’s… trying not to mind. He’s been away from what he used to consider “home” for so long that he’s not sure where to go.
With The Outlaws and their connections, he holds free music workshops and provides informal foster care for Gotham’s street children, who often don’t have proper adult supervision.
During his downtime, he visits prisons in Gotham City to perform for the inmates, hoping to encourage them. Then he’ll anonymously send their low-income families some groceries every now and then.
It’s either you’ll barely recognize him on the streets because he’s so low-key or know it’s him because he’s wearing something outrageous, like a tinted gas mask or a plague doctor getup, on a grocery run.
TIM:
Rap rock / Electronic rock ; goes simply by his last name, “Drake” (not to be confused with other famous artist Drake or Gotham vigilante Drake or male fowl – “I’m not any of them, alright!”)
He’s moved on from his punk rock roots and has been experimenting with fusion subgenres.
Once in a while, he’ll do reunion performances with former bandmates Bart Allen and Cassandra Sansmark.
Nowadays, he frequently collaborates with other artists with different musical backgrounds, such as rapper D.u.k.e. T and country crooner Conner “Kon” Kent.
He’s notoriously hardworking (and his PA’s got some toned legs from all those coffee runs).
His albums are a hit among the younger demographic, but his famous adoptive father says that he “is extremely proud of my son, but I… I don’t really understand his music.” (Hmm. Makes you wonder if billionaire Bruce Wayne’s got a closet full of Drake’s “Sedimentary / Metamorphic / Igneous – The Anthology”.)
He’s developed his own state-of-the-art software for composing music and even performs live as a hologram (through the help of information technology magnate Barbara Gordon’s company, Oracle).
He’s made the said software, which makes it possible to produce professional-quality music using little to no equipment other than a mobile phone, free and accessible so that aspiring musicians who can’t afford to work in studios can pursue their dreams.
He enjoys discovering new talent, especially among young people who haven’t had as many opportunities as he’s had, and offers to manage them for free.
His on-again-off-again relationship with pop star Stephy Brown has made him a tabloid staple.
When asked by a reporter what he likes to do for fun, he answered, “Sleep” while slowly sinking into the couch.
DAMIAN:
Heavy metal meets orchestra music (think Metallica’s “S&M”concert) ; goes by the pseudonym “Habibi”
He’s a musical prodigy who can play practically any instrument from percussion to wind, but the need for control led him to being a conductor.
Like Timothy, he likes to experiment. His latest project, which he’s very secretive to the media about, has to do with oriental influences. He’s called upon the help of his sister, a musical prodigy like him, Cassandra Cain.
He’s notoriously a perfectionist, which makes it challenging to work with him. (But no one argues that he’s a musical genius, so they put up with it.)
He owns the Wayne Conservatory of Music, which offers full educational scholarships and training programs to the poor youth in Gotham who are musically gifted.
He once told a news reporter that his greatest dream is to conduct the ultimate performance – his obra maestra – starring Azul, Rason Rodd, and Drake.
When he’s not busy in the studio or mentoring budding musicians, he’s just in his mahal (palace), hanging out with his best friend Jon Kent, practicing martial arts, or enjoying the company of his pets.
And in the quiet moments of their famous lives, they dial one number that always brings them back down to earth…
Alfred: *picks up* Hello? I’ve missed you, too, Master – What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Oh, bullocks, don’t listen to what they’re saying… In which part of the world are you right no– Ah, never mind. I’ll just follow the tracker Master Bruce has put on you. I’ll see you in a bit.
Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*
Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*
Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*
Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*
Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*
Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*
Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*
Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.
Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*
Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*
Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him*
Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.
Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*
Bruce: Alf–
Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder.
Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.
Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?
Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away*
Bruce: *heads to a secret room*
Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?
Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –
Bruce: Stop. Hn.
Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*
Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?
Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?
Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?
Meanwhile…
The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*
Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.
Alfred: *sighs and gestures to a pile of onesies by his rocking chair*
Alfred: *holds up a cat-shaped one, then a turkey-shaped one, then a cow-shaped one*
Alfred: And of course… *spreads a gigantic, beast-shaped one across the carpeted floor*
Alfred: The youngest Wayne insists that they be ready before winter, @rubysoleilsworld .
Red Hood: *pointing a gun at Dick’s foot* I beg you, Boy Wonder, freakin’ dare me!
Nightwing: *disarms Jason with a twirl of his escrima stick* Yeah, that’s right, Boy Wonder, the original, which means I get to go first, Little Wing –
Robin: *scoffs and cuts Dick’s escrima stick in half with his sword* Too bad “first” doesn’t equal “competent”, Grayson –
Red Robin: *tackles and pins Damian to the ground with his bo staff* To be fair, Dick’s probably the most competent among all of us when to comes to this thing, but since apparently it’s a competition –
Spoiler: *caresses Tim’s face, which causes him to drop his weapon* Are you really gonna compete with me, Timmy…? Psych! *sweep-kicks Tim, causing him to fall to the ground*
Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*
Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*
Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*
Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*
Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*
Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*
Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*
Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.
Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*
Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*
Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him*
Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.
Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*
Bruce: Alf–
Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder.
Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.
Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?
Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away*
Bruce: *heads to a secret room*
Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?
Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –
Bruce: Stop. Hn.
Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*
Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?
Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?
Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?
Meanwhile…
The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*
Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.
Justice League: *watching surveillance, Youtube and news footage on the mainframe computer*
Batman: *walks into the room and sees Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Robin and Lark (and a bunch of burning buildings and screaming citizens) on the screen*
Superman: *arms crossed*
Wonder Woman: *hands on hips, shaking her head*
Aquaman: *raises an eyebrow*
The Flash: *wide-eyed*
Green Lantern: *biting his lip to suppress a smirk*
Cyborg: Wo-ho-hoooooo.
Batman: Hn.
Batman: Whatever they did, add it to my tab.
Batman: *walks out*
And if you were convinced that Batman went back to work at the Watchtower after walking calmly and collectedly out of that room, then you probably didn’t even consider that he’d run to the teleporters at top speed to get back to Earth and do damage control (a.k.a. give his kids a piece of his mind).
Tim: *walks into the Wayne Manor library with a Bubble Boy suit on*
Jason:
Tim: Go on. Lemme have it.
Jason: *looks up from the book he’s reading* Excuse me?
Tim: I’m ready.
Jason: For… ?
Tim: *smirks* You tell me.
Jason: Ohh kay. *goes back to reading his book*
Tim: *in a singsong voice* I don’t have all day, Jay. Patrol’s gonna be crazy, you know how it is on this day. But I really wanna make the most of it this year, so I’m giving you a chance. *arms wide open* I’m heeeeere.
Jason: *shuts his book and sighs* Look, Timbo, if you’re having one of your “moments", I can –
Tim: *chuckles and points at him* Ohhh ohhh you’re good. You’re really good.
Jason: *exasperated* At what? What is this about, Tim?
Tim: Come ooon, man! *looks at the ceiling, as if expecting something to drop down from there* Don’t let me down this year, Jay. I came up with an algorithm and made a suit and everything.
Jason: You know what, you’re making me uncomfortable, so… *gets up from the couch* Imma head out.
Tim: *wobbles towards him, tripping over his suit* No, no, no, no, wait! Jay! Jason! Peter! I’m good! You can do whatever you want! Name it, I’m ready for it! Team up with the little brat if you have to – *voice gets drowned out by Jason shutting the door*
Jason: *shakes his head and dials a number on his mobile phone*
Jason: Hey. It’s me. Yeah, about that… *looks around to make sure no one’s listening*
Jason: *chuckles* He’s so sleep-deprived that he’s a day early. We might have to step up our game, though.
Damain [on the other end of the line]: -Tt-
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
In all seriousness, stay safe on the 1st, kids. Maybe Rule Number 2 is no COVID-19-related pranks, yeah?
Dick: *rubbing his chin thoughtfully* Well, maybe this year it’s different. Maybe he actually wants to be part of the fun.
Jason: *rolls eyes* Yeah, and I’ve never done anything illegal in my life.
Damian: Grayson, I expected more from you.
Tim: *looking disheveled after surviving whatever Jason and Damian had in store for him earlier in the day* Hold on, hold on… Dick’s right. I mean, how well do we really know Bruce anyway?
Duke: But isn’t this a little extreme?
Steph: *scoffs* What, like that’s not his style?
Duke: You’ve got a point.
Cass: … Or we could just ask Alfred?
Babs: Do you honestly think that he wouldn’t be in on this?
All of them: *staring at an empty, tattered, and bloody Batman suit sprawled on the Batcave floor*
Meanwhile…
Alfred: *in his room, shaking his head while looking at April 1 on his calendar* Oh, Master Bruce.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Could be real, could be a prank. What do you guys think?
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 