Getting off duty and finding an intruder in your apartment be like…
Dick: *walking into the dark kitchen, taking off his BPD uniform*
Dick: *pauses when he notices the light*
Dick: *carefully grabs an escrima stick from a hidden compartment in the cupboard*
Dick: *prepares to pounce on the intruder behind the open refrigerator door…*
Dick: aaaaAAHHHH… Huh?
Red Hood: *blinks*
Dick: *blinks*
Red Hood: *mouth stuffed with donuts and face covered in sugar sprinkles*
Red Hood: What are you, the donut police? Because if you are, you’re legally bound to tell me, or else it’s entrapment.
Don’t judge your brother, Dick. Beating up criminals can really build up an appetite.
Tag: dick grayson
Dick: …
Tim: *two black eyes and a broken arm*
Damian: *three missing teeth*
Dick: *sighs and gestures to two chairs in front of him*
Dick: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle and loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re both wrong.
Mornings at the Manor…
Tim: *covering a bruised eye*
Dick: *hugging him consolingly*
Jason: *heading to the refrigerator to grab an ice pack while trying to suppress his laughter*
Bruce and Alfred: *glaring disappointedly*
Damian: *guarding a platter of tofu* It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing! I skipped kindergarten!
When your eldest brother asks you to look after his Blüdhaven apartment while he’s away on a mission…
Red Robin: Oh, come on, Dick’s a grown man. He can take care of himself.
Red Hood: *opens the refrigerator to reveal a bottle of curdy milk, a half-eaten sandwich, and a bowl of soggy Cheerios*
Red Hood: *looking unimpressed* You really believe that?
Mornings at the Batcave…
Tim: *downing a cup of espresso* Okay, we all know why we’re here, right?
Dick: *still in just boxer shorts, yawning and shaking his head*
Jason: *groans* No. Why?
Tim: To fight Damian, the bully. That tiny tween has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can’t promise you victory. I can’t promise you good times. But the one thing I do know –
Dick and Jason: *head back to the Manor*
Tim: Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
Family Patrol Night…
Batman: *setting up surveillance equipment on the rooftop*
Robin: *watching the traffic down below while perched atop a gargoyle*
Nightwing: *balancing on the ledge (y’know, upside-down and on one hand, the yoosh)*
Red Robin: Jay, I have a riddle for you. What’s the sound of one hand clapping?
Red Hood: Piece of cake. *opens and closes his fist quickly, which makes a faint sound*
Red Robin: No, man. It’s a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It’s supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Red Hood: No answer? Timmy, listen up. *quickly opens and closes his fist again*
Batman: Hn. *smirks*
Nightwing: *giggles and almost loses his balance*
Robin: -Tt-
Tim: *whispering* What’s your hurry?
Jason: *grabbing his leather jacket and kicking three-day-old garbage underneath the sofa* This place is depressing.
Dick: *yelling from the kitchen* Hey! I live here!
Jason: *yelling back* And I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it!
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Maybe if you cleaned up once in a while before these family visits, Nightwing…
When you’re curious to find out what you could’ve been had you not met Batman…
S.T.A.R. Labs Scientist: Here are your scientifically selected careers.
Batgirl: “Architect”. Nice.
The Signal: “Insurance salesman”. Uhhh, right.
Spoiler: “Salmon gutter”? What in the –
Robin: “Military strongman”. -Tt-
Red Robin: “Systems analyst”. *shrugs*
Nightwing: “Homemaker”?
S.T.A.R. Labs Scientist: Mm-hm. It’s like a mommy.
Red Hood: “Police officer”? Well, I’ll be jiggered.
If all the Robins were still in school…
Alfred: Master Damian’s grades are up a little this term, but Master Dick’s are way down.
Bruce: Hn. I always have a responsible son and an irresponsible one. Why can’t both my sons be responsible?
Alfred: You have four sons, Master Bruce.
Bruce: Alfred, Ace and Titus don’t count as my sons.
Alfred: No, Master Jason and Master Tim!
Batman, you have a gazillion kids.
On board the Batplane…
Robin: -Tt-
Robin: All I needed was this aircraft, so why is it full of you idiots?
Red Robin: *locks the plane door behind him and sends his own jet back home via autopilot* I wasn’t gonna sit around the Batcave all by myself.
Nightwing: *lands gracefully from the ceiling and onto the captain’s seat* One of us needed multi-engine time for his pilot’s license.
Red Hood: *comes out of a crate and dusts off his jacket* And one of us would go pretty much anywhere to piss off your father.
Yup, it had nothing to do with them wanting to annoy you like good, loving, older brothers do.
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 