(Let’s face it: they all need Alfred. But left to their own devices…)
Dick:
It comes naturally to him, a perk of being a father (even if he isn’t on this Earth yet) and big brother figure to people within and outside of the Batfamily.
Unashamedly reads maternity books out of curiosity.
Cooing, babbling, silly animal sounds and corny jokes. He’ll be utterly annoying to grown-ups, but absolutely delightful to anyone below the age of 8.
Gentle disciplinarian.
Jason:
Protective. Even from himself. None of his weapons within a one mile radius (unless locked up in a Wayne Tech-grade safe).
Doesn’t mind being vulnerable around young’uns and will indulge their playtime fantasies. (*to toddler* “I’m, um… *looks around to make sure that no one else is around* Red Robin Hood.” But Alfred is around. He always is.)
Reluctantly pulls out Shakespeare from a shelf when asked by a toddler, “Will you wead me a bedtime stowy?”
Tim:
Takes baby-proofing to another level. (He prefers that things be on autopilot because he’s a busy, busy vigilante.)
But once in a while he can’t help himself and goes into Kid Mode. (Supervillain who?)
Sneaks kids into the Batcave for a “field trip” when Bruce isn’t around (and Bruce pretends he doesn’t know).
Actually enjoys helping with homework (even if he’s lazy to do his own).
Damian:
Hates it… Then pretends to hate it… Then actually finds that it pleases him.
Because he likes having a protegé (“Master Damian, he is four!” But he doesn’t understand why that matters since he canonically started training around that age.)
Is secretly fascinated by Lego and other “children’s toys” and somewhat surprised that swords and encyclopedias don’t fall into the same category.
Most likely to get stared at (for obvious reasons)
Keeps calling Alfred to report on available varieties for each item on the list and bargains for his or his siblings’ favorite snacks
Sings along or dances to the jingle while waiting in line at the cashier
Jason:
Most likely to stick to the grocery list
But his plan to “just get this over with” is usually derailed by a senior citizen struggling to put a heavy sack into a cart or a little kid trying to reach a toy on a high shelf
Comes home to the Manor blushing deeply and with lipstick stains from a grateful old lady
Tim:
Most likely to spend the whole day in the grocery
Because (1) he’s still groggy from pulling an all-nighter for a case and can’t mentally process Alfred’s list, or (2) he can’t help but research the toxicity profile of everything on it, which somehow leads him to cross-reference them with recent sightings of… (*looks up from his phone* “Oh, Alfred! Why are you here? Where am I?”)
Damian:
Most likely to sulk the entire time (“You do not send a prince to do a servant’s job, Pennyworth!”)… that is, until he discovers the pet section
Also most likely to be sent back to return everything that he bought and pick up the things that were actually on the list
“Oh, those glass shards on my back? I get them all the time. No biggie. Hey, do you guys serve cereal?”
The staff love checking him ou – er, checking up on him.
Regales them with stories of past injuries, which none of them can believe are even possible (”Then how are you still alive?”)
Jason
Fake ID (since, you know, legally dead and all)
Wheeled into the hospital room by 5 AM, out through the window in a hospital gown and onto a waiting motorcycle by 5:15 AM
Tim:
Double-checks every diagnosis and every medication and cross-references them with similar cases in the city (and occasionally schools whomever is unfortunate enough to check up on him)
Who knows how pure liquid caffeine got injected into his IV bottle?
Damian:
“You call this food? My father will buy this place!”
Physical examination? You might as well put your hand inside a Tasmanian devil’s tunnel.
DC Universe’s Got Talent (America’s Got Talent), as host, contestant, and eventual winner – because judges from the Fifth Dimension could no longer stand watching a human with such inhuman flexibility
Gothamite Ninja Warrior (American Ninja Warrior), where it’s usually just Cass and him battling it out for the top spot and the “obstacle course” includes parkouring to the top of crumbling gargoyles and jumping off twenty-story buildings sans parachute
Jason
Alfred & J’s Potluck Dinner(Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner), where Alfred’s “Martha” and he’s “Snoop” and they host get-togethers for heroes and villains in the Manor kitchen
Hoodvs. Lair (Man vs. Wild), but instead of surviving in the wild, he’s trying to get past security in a new supervillain’s hideout week after week (guest-starring Roy)
Tim
BatFuzz Unsolved (BuzzFeed Unsolved), where he discusses controversial cases, such as the mysterious zombie-turned-vigilante wearing a red helmet, with his best bud and resident skeptic, Conner
Myth Boosters (Myth Busters), where he dispels/proves popular theories using the latest and most expensive Wayne Tech gadgets (and Bruce is a mere centimeter away from buying the TV network just to cancel this show)
Damian
Gotham’s Dumbest Videos(America’s Funniest Videos), which features clips of his siblings’ blunders during patrol (and him cackling in the background after he introduces each one)
Crikey! It’s the Irwins, and he’s actually with the Irwins (until his father reminds him to “Get. Back. To. Your Earth. Now.”)
– • – • – • – • –
Not sure if I did it justice, but I really liked this suggestion, @fleetof-fandoms, so thanks!
“If a Kryptonian with a mass of… hmmm… give or take 103 kg, is at rest on a 45-degree incline…” *holding up a poorly drawn illustration of what looks like a stick figure with a red “S” on his chest atop said inclined plane*
[to the teenage girl who’s been ogling him since the session started] *tapping the notepad with a pencil* “Okay, eyes over here, young lady.”
Makes his students giggle endlessly because of his puns and silly examples
Spends extra time in reaching out to his troubled students and, if called for, approaches their parents (who trust him quite a lot)
Jason
Perhaps the most patient one of all (because apparently he enjoys mentoring someone)
Also the most structured one (thanks to his own study habits as a youngster before he – y’know)
Holds free group/one-on-one study sessions for street kids in Gotham community centers (in which he also includes anti-bullying and anti-drug abuse talks), with meals and school supplies sponsored by the Wayne Foundation
“Don’t beat yourself up too hard, kid”
Tim
Field trips to the Gotham City Library, S.T.A.R. Labs, Atlantis, etc. (”Like the saying goes, experience is the best teacher. Just maybe don’t, uh, tell your parents, alright?”)
Very adept at simplifying complex theoretical concepts (and his cheesy mnemonics are a hit!)
Invites his fellow Titans to hold group study sessions for students, especially when final exams are approaching
Enjoys hanging out with his students outside of tutorials (and secretly patrols their schools to make sure they’re safe)
Damian
His lesson plan includes the literary works of Machiavelli and Tolstoy (and that’s just for 4th graders)
Rewards (”Should you ace this exam – and by ‘ace’ I mean perfect it – then you will be entitled to watch me defeat a supervillain in the flesh”) and punishes (”An A minus! No creamy, frozen dessert for you!”)
[Student] *crying* [Him] “… PENNYWORTH!”
Finds that spending time with other young individuals has given him a second chance at being a kid (which he would never admit to anyone, of course)
“If a Kryptonian with a mass of… hmmm… give or take 103 kg, is at rest on a 45-degree incline…” *holding up a poorly drawn illustration of what looks like a stick figure with a red “S” on his chest atop said inclined plane*
[to the teenage girl who’s been ogling him since the session started] *tapping the notepad with a pencil* “Okay, eyes over here, young lady.”
Makes his students giggle endlessly because of his puns and silly examples
Spends extra time in reaching out to his troubled students and, if called for, approaches their parents (who trust him quite a lot)
Jason
Perhaps the most patient one of all (because apparently he enjoys mentoring someone)
Also the most structured one (thanks to his own study habits as a youngster before he – y’know)
Holds free group/one-on-one study sessions for street kids in Gotham community centers (in which he also includes anti-bullying and anti-drug abuse talks), with meals and school supplies sponsored by the Wayne Foundation
“Don’t beat yourself up too hard, kid”
Tim
Field trips to the Gotham City Library, S.T.A.R. Labs, Atlantis, etc. (”Like the saying goes, experience is the best teacher. Just maybe don’t, uh, tell your parents, alright?”)
Very adept at simplifying complex theoretical concepts (and his cheesy mnemonics are a hit!)
Invites his fellow Titans to hold group study sessions for students, especially when final exams are approaching
Enjoys hanging out with his students outside of tutorials (and secretly patrols their schools to make sure they’re safe)
Damian
His lesson plan includes the literary works of Machiavelli and Tolstoy (and that’s just for 4th graders)
Rewards (”Should you ace this exam – and by ‘ace’ I mean perfect it – then you will be entitled to watch me defeat a supervillain in the flesh”) and punishes (”An A minus! No creamy, frozen dessert for you!”)
[Student] *crying* [Him] “… PENNYWORTH!”
Finds that spending time with other young individuals has given him a second chance at being a kid (which he would never admit to anyone, of course)
DC Universe’s Got Talent (America’s Got Talent), as host, contestant, and eventual winner – because judges from the Fifth Dimension could no longer stand watching a human with such inhuman flexibility
Gothamite Ninja Warrior (American Ninja Warrior), where it’s usually just Cass and him battling it out for the top spot and the “obstacle course” includes parkouring to the top of crumbling gargoyles and jumping off twenty-story buildings sans parachute
Jason
Alfred & J’s Potluck Dinner(Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner), where Alfred’s “Martha” and he’s “Snoop” and they host get-togethers for heroes and villains in the Manor kitchen
Hoodvs. Lair (Man vs. Wild), but instead of surviving in the wild, he’s trying to get past security in a new supervillain’s hideout week after week (guest-starring Roy)
Tim
BatFuzz Unsolved (BuzzFeed Unsolved), where he discusses controversial cases, such as the mysterious zombie-turned-vigilante wearing a red helmet, with his best bud and resident skeptic, Conner
Myth Boosters (Myth Busters), where he dispels/proves popular theories using the latest and most expensive Wayne Tech gadgets (and Bruce is a mere centimeter away from buying the TV network just to cancel this show)
Damian
Gotham’s Dumbest Videos(America’s Funniest Videos), which features clips of his siblings’ blunders during patrol (and him cackling in the background after he introduces each one)
Crikey! It’s the Irwins, and he’s actually with the Irwins (until his father reminds him to “Get. Back. To. Your Earth. Now.”)
– • – • – • – • –
Not sure I did it justice, but I really liked this suggestion, @fleetof-fandoms, so thanks!
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 