Tag: clark kent
When your best friend asks you if you’d want to get away from crimefighting in the city for a while and just hang out at his farm…
Superman: So… ?
Batman: *stares off into the distance*
Superman: Um, Bruce… ?
Batman: *breathes in the air like he’s smelling fresh flowers*
Batman: Spending the day far away sounds like a dream, Clark. I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by my children trying to kill each other.
Batman/Superman: Teenage AU…
Superteen: Before I save the world, you have to spend the week doing everything I say.
Bat-teen: So, what, I have to be your slave or something?
Superteen: No. You have to be my friend, Bruce.
Bat-teen: Ugh. That’s so much worse.
When you eavesdrop on a conversation between your super dad and one of his super friends (and instantly regret it)…
Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian: *hiding behind the dinosaur in the Batcave*
Bruce [on the phone with Clark]: *in a gruff voice* Hal thinks he can “Mean Girls” me?! Hn! How lame is that? Let me tell you something, I might be a pretty face, but I fight to win. Just like “Legally Blonde”!
Dick: *covers his mouth as he starts to giggle, then looks at Jason*
Jason: *sticks his tongue out in disgust, then looks as Tim*
Tim: *slowly shakes his head and mouths “Wrong, just wrong”*
Damian: *crosses his arms and lets out a small -Tt-*
Superman: *depowered in a Kryptonite-lined cage*
Wonder Woman: *tied up by her own lasso*
The Flash: *weakened by a low blood sugar level*
Green Lantern: *closing and opening a ring-less hand*
Batman: *walks into the room*
Robin: *comes out from under his cape*
Green Lantern: You got a kid with you? Greaaaat. And you’re the ones saving us?
Discussing the tumultuous “situation” with Red Hood…
Superman: Why are you desperately trying to put your family together when a part of it is so clearly broken?
Batman: The definition of the word “broken” suggests that something can be fixed.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Also, they’re all kinda broken.
The question is, would any of the Batkids prank Bruce on April 1st?
Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*
Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*
Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*
Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*
Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*
Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*
Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*
Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.
Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*
Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*
Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him*
Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.
Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*
Bruce: Alf–
Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder.
Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.
Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?
Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away*
Bruce: *heads to a secret room*
Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?
Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –
Bruce: Stop. Hn.
Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*
Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?
Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?
Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?
Meanwhile…
The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*
Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.
Alfred: *sighs and gestures to a pile of onesies by his rocking chair*
Alfred: *holds up a cat-shaped one, then a turkey-shaped one, then a cow-shaped one*
Alfred: And of course… *spreads a gigantic, beast-shaped one across the carpeted floor*
Alfred: The youngest Wayne insists that they be ready before winter, @rubysoleilsworld .
At the Watchtower…
Justice League: *watching surveillance, Youtube and news footage on the mainframe computer*
Batman: *walks into the room and sees Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Robin and Lark (and a bunch of burning buildings and screaming citizens) on the screen*
Superman: *arms crossed*
Wonder Woman: *hands on hips, shaking her head*
Aquaman: *raises an eyebrow*
The Flash: *wide-eyed*
Green Lantern: *biting his lip to suppress a smirk*
Cyborg: Wo-ho-hoooooo.
Batman: Hn.
Batman: Whatever they did, add it to my tab.
Batman: *walks out*
And if you were convinced that Batman went back to work at the Watchtower after walking calmly and collectedly out of that room, then you probably didn’t even consider that he’d run to the teleporters at top speed to get back to Earth and do damage control (a.k.a. give his kids a piece of his mind).
When asked what Batman’s superpower was…
Superman: Impossible is what Batman specializes in.
Bruce playing up his “playboy billionaire” image with Clark’s help…
* Bruce is spotted entering a limousine in Metropolis City *
Clark [as a reporter]: Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne, why are you wearing a tuxedo? Headed somewhere?
Bruce: It’s after six. What am I? A farmer? *winks*
Clark:
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 
