Superman: *awkwardly pats the roof* Well. That was a long, silent car ride. Now I know how Dick feels.
You know any of his children would have music blaring and talking whether he contributes or not
Nightwing: *bops his head and taps his fingers on the dashboard to the beat of NSYNC’s “It’s Gonna Be Me”*
Nightwing: *takes an earphone out of his ear* What was that?
Batman:
Nightwing:
Batman:
Nightwing:
Batman: *clears his throat*
Nightwing: Oh, I thought I saw your mouth move.
Nightwing: *jams the earphone back in* A man can dream.
Nightwing: *checks the digital map and sighs* Five miles to gooo. Why do supervillain lairs have to be so far?
Batman:
Batman: Sync with bluetooth, code “A37”.
NSYNC: *starts blaring on the Batmobile speakers*
Nightwing: *takes off both earphones and grins at Bruce*
Batman: *grins*
Red Hood: *gets in and slams the Batmobile door excitedly* Thanks for picking me up, Big Bro *takes off his helmet and shakes his hair dry* Some kid from Crime Alley stole one of my tires, pretty impressive, actually – *rummaging through his jacket pockets for a USB drive* Plus there’s this cool new album that Roy wants us to check out, so turn that 90’s boyband crap off for just a sec – Hey, want me to transfer to the – the –
Red Hood: *finally notices Batman on the passenger seat and sullenly says* Yo.
Batman: *grunts*
Red Hood: *rolls his eyes*
Nightwing: *sees his brother’s reflection on the rearview mirror and grins* If I’d told you, would you have gotten in?
Red Hood: *muttering* Tss. Could’ve walked home. I have safehouses everywhere.
Nightwing: *cups an ear* What was that?
Red Hood: *crosses his arms* Nothing! Just shut up and drive.
Nightwing: *smirks*
Red Hood:
Batman:
Red Hood: Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be –
Batman:
Red Hood: *looks out the window* Never mind.
Batman:
Nightwing:
Red Hood: *tapping his foot awkwardly* Sooo… You let Golden Boy drive this thing. Neat.
Batman:
Nightwing: *trying to stifle a giggle*
Red Hood: Dick, you can just drop me off right here –
Batman: No.
Red Hood: *frowns*
Batman: *extends a palm towards Jason* The drive.
Red Hood:
Red Hood: *reluctantly drops it on Bruce’s palm*
Batman: *plugs it into the console*
Nightwing: *to the Comm Link, smiling from ear to ear* Alfred? Yeah. Extra plate on the dinner table, please.
Thirteen songs from “Harper’s Mix” later…
Nightwing: So lemme get this straight: You were just on my case for listening to 90′s music, and now you’re going gaga over –
Red Hood: *skips to the next track* Ssh, Goldie. This one?
Batman: *listens to the intro for 1.5 seconds*
Batman: “Unchained Melody”. 1955. Todd Duncan –
Red Hood: Wow.
Nightwing: Don’t you mean the Righteous Brothers?
Batman: – sang the vocals for the film “Unchained”.
Red Hood: You are officially old.
Batman: *grinning wistfully* My mother used to hum it to me.
Nightwing:
Red Hood:
Batman: *still grinning wistfully*
Red Hood: *clears his throat* That’s, um, swell. Hey, if you get this next one, I’ll concede and declare you King of –
Radio: *skipping tracks randomly*
Red Hood: What the –
Radio: *rewinds and fast-forwards by itself, then plays “Basket Case” by Green Day*
Red Hood: That wasn’t even on there!
Radio: *in a chipmunk voice* Jason Peter Todd, also known as the Red Hood, we summon you –
Red Hood: *points a gun at the console* AaaAArRggh –
Nightwing: *swerving the Batmobile slightly* Calm down, Little Wing!
Batman: Timothy, enough.
Radio: *erupts into belly laughter*
Radio: *wheezing* Y-you sh-should’ve seen your face, Jay. *sighs contentedly* What time are you guys getting here? I’m bored and hungry.
Red Hood: And dead meat. *crushes the tiny camera suctioned to the window*
Red Robin: *sinking deeper into the passenger seat of the Batmobile*
Red Robin: *sighs contentedly* Just me and the Batman. It’s been a while, huh? Remind me again why I haven’t been hitching a sweet, sweet ride with you these past few months?
Batman:
Red Robin: Could it be because of your endearing silence? Nah. It can’t be that. We both enjoy it.
Batman: *smirks*
Red Robin: Perhaps I simply don’t need to? I mean, the Redbird’s great and all, but this is the freakin’ Batmobile.
Batman: *fondly shakes his head ever-so-subtly that if you blinked you’d have missed it*
Red Robin: *presses a button on the dashboard, opening a compartment full of CDs* How about your nostalgia for… outdated tech?
Batman: *gives him a pointed look*
Red Robin: *holds his hands up as if in surrender* Hey, no judgement.
Batman: *swiftly swerves the Batmobile into a dark alley*
Red Robin: What *going through the CDs* do we have *takes a couple out* here?
Batman:
Red Robin: “Cassandra’s Ballet Recital”. Neat. Did you get to see it?
Batman: *nods fondly*
Red Robin: Me, too. I was in the middle of chasing a killer android, though, so I had to watch it from the rooftop of the opera house.
Red Robin: *rummaging* Hmm. “Dick’s Mix” – way to be creative, Richard – “Classical Concertos for Teens” – which I assume belongs to the brat – “Suicide Squad” film soundtrack – Jason’s current obsession –
Red Robin: Is this Duke’s? *holds up a yellow-colored CD* I’m taking this *stuffs it into his backpack* I dig his jam – “Oracle” – Wait, wait, wait… Don’t tell me –
Batman: She doesn’t know –
Red Robin: *already stuffing it into his backpack* Mine! Just in case, y’know, I need to blackmail either of you. Her voice is pretty awesome, though. Watchtower acoustics really did her a favor.
Batman: *nods in agreement*
Red Robin: *back to rummaging* What else, what else… “Cats”? Really, Bruce? Is Selina even into broadway?
Batman: *shrugs*
Red Robin: “Clark’s Country Playlist”. Superman carpools to warzones with you?
Batman: I play it here, he listens from above. Says it helps him focus.
Red Robin: *rubbing his chin* Maybe I could try that with Kon…
Red Robin: “Purple Haze” – witty, Steph, but I don’t think you even knows who Jimi Hendrix is – “Oldies but Goodies” – which is, coincidentally, Alfie’s name on my phone, ha ha – *reaches the bottom of the compartment*
Red Robin: I guess… that’s got it.
Batman: Tim…
Red Robin: *staring blankly ahead* I remember now –
Batman: Tim, I –
Red Robin: We were on the way to the Iceberg Lounge to bust Penguin and his crew, and I was getting so pumped that I jammed my CD into the player, but you took it out 10 seconds into “London Calling”, crushed my CD with one freakin’ hand, and threw it out –
Batman: *swerves the Batmobile to a stop* Red Robin –
Red Robin: – then we got into some argument over how stupid my music was, so I got out and – and –
Batman: TIM.
Red Robin: What?!
Batman: We’re here.
Red Robin: *sighs wearily and grabs his bo staff from the backseat* Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. Let’s go kick some criminal butt.
Batman: You won’t need that.
Red Robin: *frowning in confusion* What? *looks out the window* And why are we at the Wayne Memorial Theater?
Batman: I asked Lucius to help me put a little something together.
Red Robin: I don’t –
Batman: It’s not that I didn’t like your music, Tim. Just… bad mood, bad timing.
Red Robin: … The anniversary of your parents’ death.
Batman: *nods solemnly*
Red Robin: Bruce, I…
Batman: I hope you still like “London Calling”.
Red Robin: Yeah, but –
Batman: Because we’re about to watch a 4D screening of The Clash in concert.
Red Robin: We’re not… patrolling?
Batman: How else was I supposed to get you to hitch a sweet, sweet ride with me?
Red Robin: *haphazardly wiping tears from his eyes* Wow. Great timing, allergies.
Batman: *ruffles Tim’s hair* Let’s go, son.
Robin: *puts his backpack on the backseat of the Batmobile, does a last minute check of its contents, and sits on the passenger seat*
Robin: You and Kent’s dad don’t need to linger, Father. Just drop us off at our HQ and be on your way.
Batman:
Robin: *checking the contents of his utility belt compartments one by one* Oh, wait! Pennyworth forgot the – Oh, no, he didn’t – Shurikens, grappling hooks, brass knuckles – Ugh! These dumb chocolate-covered “gummy bears” that Superboy insists I carry with me – *doesn’t notice a USB drive fall from one of them*
Batman: *picks up the said USB drive* Hn.
Robin: *still talking more to himself than to Bruce* – and I’m fairly certain that I’ve sufficiently sharpened my knives, unless Todd’s device was subpar –
USB drive: *with the phrase “bearable noise” scribbled on its surface*
Robin: – make sure to feed Goliath before releasing him. He knows which island we’ll be on and will follow as previously instructed –
Batman: *plugs it into the console*
Speakers: *start playing… a lullabye*
Robin: – and tell Drake to stay out of –
Robin:
Robin: *angrily disconnects the drive and slumps down on his seat* You weren’t supposed to hear that.
Batman: Damian, I –
Robin: *looks out the window* No one is supposed to hear that.
Robin: *muttering* Stupid, stupid *while banging his head against the headrest*
Batman:
Batman: *reaches out to block Damian’s head* I’m sorry, son.
Robin: *slaps his hand away*Just drive.
Batman:
Robin:
Batman:
Robin:
Robin: *quietly*When I slept over at the farm,Mrs. Kent sang it to Jon while she was putting him to bed.
Batman: *glances at him*
Robin: It was annoying.
Robin: Childish.
Robin: *lip quivering* Weak.
Robin: *covers his face with his arms and bends over his knees, his body trembling*
Batman: *places a hand on his back* You’re not any of that, son.
Batman: But once in a while, it’s okay to be all of it.
Robin: *looks up at his father and wipes his eyes with his cape, sniffling*
Batman: *reaches for the USB drive where it fell near the console and plugs it back in*
Speakers: *play the lullabye again*
Batman: Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve listened to something this relaxing.
Robin: *takes one last look at his father before looking out the window, glassy-eyed and grinning*
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
@tmntchickadee , thanks for the idea. As you can see, I, um, ran with it. I was going for funny, but I think it ended up more “therapeutic”. I love music. It’s intimate. It can help heal. And I wanted each of my favorite Batkids to have a moment that’s uniquely theirs with their father. (Bruce could use them, too.)
Sincerely,
a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes
Alfred: *dabbing sweat off his forehead as he emerges from under the Batmobile*
Alfred: *swipes a finger on the glistening hood, then grins with satisfaction at the absence of dust on it*
Alfred: *raises an eyebrow as he spots a flickering, red light on the backseat within the vehicle*
Alfred: *gets inside to check it out and finds that it’s being emitted by a tiny bulb wrapped in a note, which he spreads open as his eyebrow goes impossibly higher*
Note: *in cursive* “Enjoy the ride”
Seat: *jerks, pushing him from behind the knees, causing him to sit down, then reclines itself*
Batmobile: *reconfigures itself into a stretch limousine*
Dick: *entering with a tray of cookies* 🎵You came along just like a song and brighten my day –
Alfred: Master Dick, what on earth – ?
Barbara: *handing him a cup of tea* 🎵Who would have believed that you where part of a dream –
Kate: *tips an imaginary hat off to Alfred* 🎵-– Now it all seems light years away –
Jason: *tapping the dashboard rhythmically* 🎵And now you know I can’t smile without you –
Damian: *revving up the engine* 🎵I can’t smile –
Jon: *squeezes in with Damian at the driver’s side, to the latter’s utter annoyance* 🎵-– without you!
Steph: 🎵I can’t laugh *cackles* and I can’t siiiiinnnngggggg –
Ace and Titus: 🎵*howl in unison*
Tim: *zombie-walking after Steph*🎵I’m finding it hard… ZzZz –
Jason: *slaps him awake*
Tim: – to do anything!
Duke: *wide-eyed in amazement as he piles into the limo with the others*🎵You see I feel sad –
Duke: Hold up, I’m sorry, how are we all fitting into this thing right – Oof!
Luke: *elbowing him* 🎵-– when you’re sad –
Harper: *finger-gunning at Alfred* 🎵I feel glad –
Cass: *gives Alfred a soft hug* 🎵-– when you’re glad –
Selina: 🎵If you only knew what he’s *points at Bruce and rolls her eyes* going through –
Bruce: *clears his throat*
Bruce: *in a gruff and monotone voice* Alfred, we just can’t smile without you.
Clark: *lifts the corners of Bruce’s mouth into a grin with his fingers*
Alfred: *wiping joyful tears off his eyes* A vacation! I’ll be gone a week, my ridiculous children. You’ll all survive, as always.
Alfred: And might I remind you that this was your idea?
~ • ~ • ~ • ~
For some reason, I was thinking of Bruce singing to Alfred and Barry Manilow’s hit came to mind. Thank you, @tea-coffee-cats-law !
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 