Tag: cassandra cain

Have you considered: April 1st in the Wayne Household. There’s only One Rule, don’t prank Alfred

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Tim: *walks into the Wayne Manor library with a Bubble Boy suit on*

Jason:

Tim: Go on. Lemme have it.

Jason: *looks up from the book he’s reading* Excuse me?

Tim: I’m ready.

Jason: For… ?

Tim: *smirks* You tell me.

Jason: Ohh kay. *goes back to reading his book*

Tim: *in a singsong voice* I don’t have all day, Jay. Patrol’s gonna be crazy, you know how it is on this day. But I really wanna make the most of it this year, so I’m giving you a chance. *arms wide open* I’m heeeeere.

Jason: *shuts his book and sighs* Look, Timbo, if you’re having one of your “moments", I can –

Tim: *chuckles and points at him* Ohhh ohhh you’re good. You’re really good.

Jason: *exasperated* At what? What is this about, Tim?

Tim: Come ooon, man! *looks at the ceiling, as if expecting something to drop down from there* Don’t let me down this year, Jay. I came up with an algorithm and made a suit and everything.

Jason: You know what, you’re making me uncomfortable, so… *gets up from the couch* Imma head out.

Tim: *wobbles towards him, tripping over his suit* No, no, no, no, wait! Jay! Jason! Peter! I’m good! You can do whatever you want! Name it, I’m ready for it! Team up with the little brat if you have to – *voice gets drowned out by Jason shutting the door*

Jason: *shakes his head and dials a number on his mobile phone*

Jason: Hey. It’s me. Yeah, about that… *looks around to make sure no one’s listening*

Jason: *chuckles* He’s so sleep-deprived that he’s a day early. We might have to step up our game, though.

Damain [on the other end of the line]: -Tt-

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

In all seriousness, stay safe on the 1st, kids. Maybe Rule Number 2 is no COVID-19-related pranks, yeah? 

Dick: *rubbing his chin thoughtfully* Well, maybe this year it’s different. Maybe he actually wants to be part of the fun.

Jason: *rolls eyes* Yeah, and I’ve never done anything illegal in my life.

Damian: Grayson, I expected more from you.

Tim: *looking disheveled after surviving whatever Jason and Damian had in store for him earlier in the day* Hold on, hold on… Dick’s right. I mean, how well do we really know Bruce anyway?

Duke: But isn’t this a little extreme?

Steph: *scoffs* What, like that’s not his style?

Duke: You’ve got a point.

Cass: … Or we could just ask Alfred?

Babs: Do you honestly think that he wouldn’t be in on this?
 
All of them: *staring at an empty, tattered, and bloody Batman suit sprawled on the Batcave floor*

Meanwhile…

Alfred: *in his room, shaking his head while looking at April 1 on his calendar* Oh, Master Bruce. 

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Could be real, could be a prank. What do you guys think?

I don’t think Bruce is gonna deal with the kids being weird

Bruce: Hn.

Bruce: Ha. Haha.

Bruce: Hahahahahaha. *wipes a tear away from his eye and sighs contentedly*

Dick:

Jason:

Tim:

Steph:

Cass:

Duke:

Damian: -Tt-

Bruce: *clears his throat, wears his cowl (to complement his pajama bottoms), and goes back to working on the Batcomputer* 

Alfred: The apples do not fall far from the tree, @kittyofalltrades .

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Educating your sister about pop culture be like…

Jason [to Cass]: There was this movie, “Footloose” –

Tim: “Flashdance”.

Jason: Where this plumber chick –

Tim: She was a welder.

Jason: What, were you, like, in the movie?

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Give him a break, Timmy. He was gone for a while, remember?

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Dick: Cass is killing me! I’m telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She’s like a ninja, but worse.

Tim: Nothing’s worse than a ninja. They’re masters of every style of combat.

Damian: Can we please talk about something other than Cain?

Barbara: I think you should give Cass a break. You know, it’s really hard being a woman around here. You can walk through walls and nobody notices you.

Jason: Not entirely unlike a… ninja.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Discussing parenting styles…

Diana: You need to let this go. Look, I get it. You love Cass, you want to protect her. It’s actually really sweet.

Bruce: But you don’t approve of my tactics.

Diana: I’m in no position to judge. But I do feel sorry for your future daughter. Great Hera help that child.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Red Hood: *leans on a wall and slides down into a cross-legged, sitting position*

Red Hood: *checks his watch, sighs, puts down his binoculars and taps a foot impatiently against the rooftop floor* 

Red Hood: *takes out his phone, opens incorrect-batfamily-quotes on Tumblr and scrolls through the “big brother of the year” tag*

Red Hood: *chuckles* I would totally do that. *browses* Yup, Timbo needs to sleep. *checks out the comments* That’s… nice. *looks to the sky as if he could use it to talk to someone from another Earth* Thanks… whoever you are. *scrunches his nose* And apparently… there’s a lot of you who think that I’m not too bad…

Red Hood: *gets up in a half a second flat, guns drawn*

Red Robin: *holding his hands up in surrender* Relax, relax. It’s just me.

Black Bat: *soundlessly stepping out of a dark corner* And me.

Nightwing: *hanging upside down and covering the eyeholes on Jason’s helmet* Aaaaand your favorite older brother.    

Red Hood: *peeling Dick’s blue-striped fingers off* Look, I don’t give a bat’s butt what the old man said, I’m taking this case –

Robin: *jumps down from behind a gargoyle and throws his hands up in frustration* What took you so long, Todd?! This whole day has been wasted waiting for you!

Red Hood: – gonna freakin’ bring down those lowlives who took Kori no matter what it – Wait, wait. What exactly is going on here?

Nightwing: *smiling excitedly* There is no case, Little Wing.

Red Hood: I don’t –    

Spoiler: *swings in from a nearby rooftop* Is he here? Did he buy – Oh, hey, Jay! Starfire’s giggling her orange-y, little head off watching you right now. *points to a hidden camera in a crevice* 

Red Hood: WHAT? But the leads –

Red Robin: Were made up. I hacked into your personal satellite. Sent some signals here and there, bada-bing-bada-boom.

Red Hood: How is all this even – I can’t – How’d you guys get past me? 

Batgirl: *rappelling from the Batjet with Duke* Because we helped them, duh. It was the only way to get you to come here today.

Red Hood: *takes his helmet off and rubs his face in utter confusion* I followed those leads for three weeks! I mean, Artemis and Bizarro –  

Artemis: *lands on the rooftop on Bizarro’s back, shrugs and hands her sword to Damian, who greedily grabs it* Just pretended to be pissed that you had to leave for your “mission”.

Bizarro: We not sad Red Him gone!                     

The Signal: So does he mean he was or… ?

Red Hood: If this is some kind of *doing air-quotation marks* intervention, you tell that arrogant, self-righteous, emotionally –

Batman: – inept, leather-clad furry that it won’t work.

Red Hood:

Batman: I’d like to give it a try anyway.

Red Hood: But we… we’re supposed to… we hate each other…

Batman: *grins and ruffles Jason’s hair* Hn. Don’t believe everything you read, kid.

Red Hood: *grins sheepishly back*

The Signal: *looks around for secret passageways on the rooftop and whispers to Tim* Where’d the boss even come from?

Alfred [on the Comm Link]: *clears his throat loudly* If you’re all quite finished, the rest of your family and friends – *muffled* Mr. Harper, once again, that vase is a family heirloom and was never intended for target practice – are waiting.

Batman: Let’s get you home.

Red Hood: Right. I’m starving.

Alfred: Please do hurry up. The candles can only stay up for so long.

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

I hope I’m not too late… Happy birthday, Jay!                   

Not his birthday, but… Just missed the fluff.