Damian [to Bruce]: Father, I have this theory that Drake purposely installs complicated technology so he has a reason to talk to me like I’m a child.
Tag: caffeinated crusader
“Battle for the Cowl” AU be like…
Tim: You know what, Dick? You shouldn’t be making these decisions anyway, okay? You’re not the decision-making type. As the brains of this family, I should have made this decision.
Dick: Hey, whoa, whoa, I’m sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Tim: Uhh… I’m sorry? I’ve always been the brains.
Dick: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the heck am I?
Tim: You’re the looks.
Dick: Well, yeah, of course I’m the looks. But I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Tim: No, you’re the looks, I’m the brains, and Jason is the wildcard.
Tim: I worry about his maturity level.
Dick: Don’t. Damian is very responsible –
Tim: I was talking about Jason.
Mornings at the Manor…
Jason: *whistling while turning on the stove and beating eggs in a bowl*
Red Robin: *comes in through the kitchen window, bruised, tattered, and dripping blood*
Red Robin: Jay! I lost Damian! What am I going to do?!
Jason: Uhhhh. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. *looks around the kitchen in panic* Know what I’m going to do? I’m going to make you an omelet.
Red Robin: Just help me look for him!
Jason: Are you sure? I make ‘em with four kinds of cheese.
Dick: …
Tim: *two black eyes and a broken arm*
Damian: *three missing teeth*
Dick: *sighs and gestures to two chairs in front of him*
Dick: Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle and loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re both wrong.
Robin: *yelling from two rooftops away* I know where you live!
Red Robin: *yelling back* And I live where you live!
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
This is not how you threaten each other, boys, but carry on…
Dick and Jason: *watching as Tim downs his fourth cup of coffee, spilling some on his ketchup and mustard-stained shirt, burps loudly, and wipes dried slobber off his face*
Dick: *sighs*
Jason: I love him, but if he’s broken, let’s ask Bruce not to get a new one.
Mornings at the Manor…
Tim: *covering a bruised eye*
Dick: *hugging him consolingly*
Jason: *heading to the refrigerator to grab an ice pack while trying to suppress his laughter*
Bruce and Alfred: *glaring disappointedly*
Damian: *guarding a platter of tofu* It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing! I skipped kindergarten!
When your older brother’s more protective than usual during patrol…
Red Robin: *shaking his head and smirking*
Red Hood: Mother Hen? Dude, I think we’re about the same age.
Red Robin: Sure, unless time is linear.
Red Hood: I’ll make your face linear!
Red Robin: *rolls his eyes* That doesn’t make any sense.
Red Hood: I’ll make your face make sense!
Interventions at the Manor…
Alfred: *wearing a mask and carrying a vacuum cleaner*
Dick: *putting on gloves*
Jason: *filling a black garbage bag with piles of… What are these, Timbo?*
Damian: *pinching his nose and looking around in pure disgust*
Tim: I want to get rid of my stuff, but all my stuff is really good and I just can’t get rid of it.
Dick: It’s not and you have to.
Jason: Everything you own is trash.
Damian: You’re basically a hoarder, Drake.
Tim: *chugs a mug of coffee and stains his three-day-old shirt further*
Tim: Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else.
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 