When both your curious brother’s hands go out of commission after opening your “top secret” container…
Red Hood: How ya doin, buddy? Because dry ice is something crazy, like, negative a hundred degrees…
Red Robin: I need you to not talk to me.
Red Hood: I know, and I know you’re in a lot of pain, so just try to relax…
Red Robin: Why are you still talk- Ow!
Red Hood: *pulls out syringe from Tim’s thigh* And say hi to Sister Morphine.
Red Robin: Morphine?! Dammit, I don’t… need… That actually feels waaaay better.
Red Hood: Yeah?
Red Robin: Yeahhhh…
Red Hood: Good, then get up. You’re sitting on the beer.
Tag: caffeinated crusader
When you’re stranded in the middle of wherever and calling your family’s all you’ve got…
Red Robin: What.
Red Hood [on the Comm Link]: Timbo, hey, shut up. I need you to wire me a thousand dollars.
Red Robin: Wow.
Red Hood: Yeah.
Red Robin: No.
Red Hood: Yes!
Red Robin: No!
Red Hood: Oh, for – Then just lemme talk to Babs!
Oracle: Absolutely not. Huh? Because pick any one of an infinite number of reasons! Yeah, okay, hang on…
Spoiler: Mmmmyeah, no, I would, but Cass and I can’t really leave the mall at the moment… But I can transfer you…
Lark: No, I seriously thought you were joking. Yeah, hang on…
Robin: *sinister laughter*
Red Hood: Okay. Okay! Lemme talk to Dick!
Red Hood: Dick?! Dick, listen, I –
Nightwing: Noop.
Red Hood: – need you to –
Nightwing: Noop.
Red Hood: Stop saying “noop”!
Nightwing: Noop, Jason. Noop. And it’s gonna sound like I’m hanging up, but — *static*
Stranded in a swamp…
Red Robin: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Red Hood: Gee, I don’t know, Tim. Maybe deep down, I’m afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction.
Red Robin: The…?
Red Hood: Physically unchanged for 100 million years, because it’s the perfect killing machine – a half-ton of cold-blooded fury, with a bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we’re surrounded, those snake-eyes are watching from the shadows, waiting for the night –
Nightwing: ♪ Waiting for the night! ♪
Robin: Damn it, Grayson!
Nightwing: ♪ Ooh-hoo! ♪
Red Hood: Keep your voice down!
Nightwing: Why?! Crocodiles don’t have ears!
Red Hood: They absolutely have ears, dickhead!
Intimidating Black Mask’s henchman…
*cut scenes of each of Red Hood’s weapons all over his body as he puts his clothes back on*
Henchman: *whimpers*
Red Robin: I think he gets it.
Red Hood: Just film the confessions, Red, don’t editorialize!
Red Hood: *to henchman* Do you get it?
Henchman: Yes! Please!
Red Hood: Because I swear to Batman, I will strip back down and show you all over again –
Henchman: No, I get it, I get it! You have a lotta guns –
Red Hood: And a knife, which I am going to push *mock demo* very slowly into your urethra –
Red Robin: *groans in secondhand embarrassment* Ew.
Jason: And seriously, Timbo, sorry for what I said.
Tim:
Jason:
Tim:
Jason: Then that’s where you say –
Tim: *punches Jason in the face*
Mission briefing…
Red Robin: Understood?
Nightwing: *double thumbs up*
Robin: *salutes*
Red Hood: *turns off Spotify streaming in his helmet*
Red Hood: Okay, I’m just nodding here and pretending like I have some idea of what you’re talking about.
Red Robin: Jason, what are you doing here?
Red Hood: What are you doing here?
Red Robin: I don’t know. Following you to a bad part of town and saving your life. You know, the usual. Your turn.
Mornings at the Manor…
Tim: *drinking his twelfth cup of coffee* If Jerry the Turkey didn’t belong in the oven, then why did he fit?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
In which Dick and Jason race to save their little brother’s beloved pet (lest the War of the Century begin in the Wayne household).
Nightwing [on the Comm Link]: *on his motorcycle, tailing them* Did you two just push Tim out of the moving Batmobile and yell, “You’re out of the team”?!
Red Hood: Now, in hindsight, that does seem kind of rash.
Robin: *pulling into a Batburger drive-through* It was kind of a snap decision.
Family Patrol Night…
Red Robin: *setting up surveillance equipment*
Red Hood: *tapping his foot impatiently*
Red Robin: *hacking into a supervillain’s mainframe computer*
Red Hood: *squirming*
Red Robin: *sighs and shakes his head*
Red Hood: I need to pee.
Red Robin: Don’t you think it’s weird that you’ve already gone seven times today?
Red Hood: I think it’s weird that you’re counting.
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 