Tag: caffeinated crusader

Family Meeting

codenamed-queenie:

Dick: Welcome to the family, Duke!

Dick: There’s a few important things you need to know as you’re taking this exciting new step in your life!

Duke [whispering]: Why does he sound like a college tour guide?

Barbara [whispering]: Shh. Just let him have this.

Dick: First requirement for any Robin–

Duke: I’m not a Robin, though–

Dick: First requirement for any Robin is a tragic backstory. Do YOU have a tragic backstory?

Steph: Aw, great. Now he sounds like Dora the Explorer.

Tim: This entire conversation is a tragic backstory.

Duke: Uh…

Dick: Don’t wanna talk about it? That’s perfectly fine! We’ll wring it out of ya sooner or later, buddy! Second thing you need are ‘Daddy Issues’.

Jason [deadpan]: If you don’t have any, some will be provided for you.

Tim [equally deadpan]: Just spend an hour with Bruce.

Steph: Yeah, why d’you think Dami’s so messed up?

Damian: Hey!

Duke: What? No, I love my–

Dick: The third thing every Robin needs is ‘patience’. I need to know that if I drag you out of bed at 3am for a late-night dance party, you won’t be annoyed. I need to know that if Tim’s using your helmet as a coffee mug, and if Steph paints your suit purple, and if Jason asks you for cash twelve times in a row–

Jason: Man’s gotta eat.

Steph: You literally spend it all on Sour Patch gummies.

Jason: Yeah. So?

Dick: –that you can take it. And take it in stride. Do you think you have what it takes, Robin Number Six?

Duke: I’m not a Robin, man.

Steph: Oh ho. Is that right?

Steph: Well, then. Do you prance around in ridiculously bright tights?

Duke: They’re not–I don’t…um.

Barbara: Do you always do what Bruce says?

Duke: That’s not–

Damian: Even though you may secretly resent it?

Duke: Well–

Tim: Do you spend your free nights staring at the ceiling as you have another existential crisis about your place in the world and what would happen if one day you just finally snapped?

The others:

Duke:

Duke: Um. No, to that one.

Dick: Yeah, same here. BUT. Do you ever have an inexplicable urge to drive the Batmobile?

Duke: I…actually…

Jason: Do you dish out quips with the best of ’em?

Duke: Yeah, man. I guess. But…

Tim [leaning forward]: Then you are. You are Robin.

Jason [mumbling]: One of us…One of us…

Dick: ONE OF US

Steph: ONE OF US

Damian: One of us.

Tim: ONE OF US

Jason: ONE OF US

Barbara: Don’t worry, Duke. If these guys are freaking you out too much, you could always come and be a Batgirl.

Cass: *nods*

Duke: *facepalms*

Alfred: Alright, everyone. I have the cookies that were requested.

Everyone: YAY!!!

Duke [pulling out his phone as the others devour the treats]: Siri, do the voice log thing.

SIRI: Recording now.

Duke: *sighs* Day forty-seven. I have yet to find a successful escape route. My prospects are looking grim…

*giggling*

Red Hood: Bruce, Alfred, I have made a very important decision. I’m moving out.

Robin: Yes.

Red Hood: And moving in with Roy and Bizarro.

Alfred: My goodness.

Batman: *grunts*

Arsenal: Oh, yeaaah. Video games and beer all day and all night…

Artemis: *knocking on the door and entering* Oh, I’m sorry.

Artemis [to Jason]: Can I talk to you for a second? It’s kind of important.

Red Hood: *walks out of the room with Artemis*

Arsenal: *rolls his eyes* Talk about your third wheel.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Gotham City, 10 PM…

Robin: *sitting on a gargoyle atop the Wayne Enterprises tower, scrolling through the incorrect-batfamily-quotes Tumblr page on his phone*

Robin: -Tt-

Robin: *scoffs* What childish nonsense! I do not talk like that. Drake, on the other hand –

Robin:

Robin: What the…

Robin: Haaaaa – *breaks out in maniacal laughter*

Nightwing: *somersaults from a dark corner, escrima sticks lighted* Stand down, Robin!

Red Hood: *runs out of the stairwell and onto the rooftop, guns cocked* No need to go crazy there, kid!

Red Robin: *lands onto the rooftop and folds his “wings” behind him, bo staff at the ready* Wait till Batman hears of –

Robin: *wheezing*

Nightwing: Where’s… ? *looking around, utterly confused*

Robin: *wiping gleeful tears from his eyes* Where’s what, Grayson?

Red Robin: Don’t act dumb! The villain you were harrassing! Where are they, brat?!

Robin: …

Red Hood: Look, D, I may be the black sheep of the family and probably not the best example, but the use of excessive force –

Robin: *drags his hand down his face in annoyance* Shut. Up.

Robin: *shows them his phone*

His brothers: *dumbfounded*

Robin: Ridiculous, right? Ha ha ha.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Little D may find it hilarious, but I’m… Wow.

It’s quite surreal, especially since I’ve been standing on the shoulders of both professional and amateur writers whose content have inspired me to come up with context for their work (and eventually my own).

Thank you for supporting this blog. Thank you for inspiring me and laughing with me.

Hugs,

a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Sneaking into your little brother’s room while he’s away on a mission with Superboy be like…

Tim: *examining the different types of blades splayed on Damian’s bed* 

Jason: *tiptoeing on the carpet and looking around the room* Maybe let’s not touch anything until we figure out if his stuff wants to kill us or not.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Taking your crush on a tour of the Manor be like…

Tam: *walking slowly around Tim’s bedroom and checking out posters of obscure rock bands on the walls*

Tam: *smirking* You know, you’re weird.

Tim: *trying to sound chill while (almost) soundlessly dumping his disguises into his cabinet, kicking weapons under his bed, and taking down case photos linked with thread and pinned to his headboard, all while Tam’s back is still to him* You have no idea.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Helping your little brother prepare for his first school play be like…

Dick: Dami, we think we can help you with your stage fright.

Damian: Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.

Tim: Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together.

Damian: I’m sorry. That is what I meant.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Tim: *tightening his tie and straightening out his double-breasted suit in front of a mirror*

Tim: I’m going to the movies with Tam. I don’t want her to think I think it’s a date.

Jason: Do you think it’s a date?

Tim: *clipping his cuff links and shining his black Oxford shoes* No, but she might think I think it’s a date, even though I don’t.

Jason: Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date, even though she doesn’t.

Tim: *grooming his hair* Are we overthinking this?

Jason: *handing him a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates* Not at all.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Damian: Drake, you don’t think I’m condescending, do you?

Tim: *clears throat* Well…

Damian: Oh, I’m sorry. “Condescending” means –

Tim: I know what it means. And, yes, you like to correct people and put them down.

Damian: Au contraire. When I correct people, I’m raising them up. You should know. I do it for you more than anyone else.