A Guide By Tim Drake Wayne PhD (Department of Family Dysfunction)
1. Sedate the wild Damian.
The wild Damian, or Demonicus damiansis, can often be found in one of two places – in his chambers, where he can be found painting, meditating, or grooming his animals, or in the Cave, pestering his progenitor.
2. Approach the wild Damian
This is best done with food. The creature is most attracted to hummus and pita bread, but is also partial to peanuts.
3. Avoid the Mother-Brother (Lovebugis dickus)
It should be noted that the Damian is a juvenile, and is thus under the protection of a most hysterical mother-brother amalgamation. This creature is called Dick Grayson, and should be carefully dealt with.
4. Distract the Mother-Brother
The Dick Grayson ceature can be drawn away with mention of another sibling-creature, notably, the Jaybird littlewingus.
5. Lure the Wild Damian
Now alone, it is easy to lure the wild Damian with the tantalizing hummus and pita meal. For maximum trust, claim that the meal was sent by the grandfather – Alfredus nobilis.
6. Act Quickly!
Now spring your trap! Quickly pounce upon and tie the Damian up, and hang him upside down from the coat rack.
Escape quickly, lest the Dick Grayson returns, for he is sure to be vexed.
Alfred: *throws hands up in exasperation as the five-course dinner he prepared grows cold* Well, the boys are off. I wonder where they went.
Bruce: Out of town.
Alfred: How do you know, Master Bruce?
Bruce: I told them not to.
Jason: *oblivious to the remnants of the scrumptuous five-course meal he just devoured hanging off the corner of his mouth as realization dawns on him* Son of a bat…
Dick: Right?
Tim: It didn’t seem suspicious to you? At all?
Damian: -Tt- Reverse psychology. I wouldn’t put it past Father.
Duke: Or is it reverse-reverse psychology… ?
Alfred: *grinning smugly while placing a slice of homemade blueberry mousse in front of each of them* Does it really matter, young masters?
Jason [about Tim and Damian]: So, my brothers are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose a side. But I can’t, because they’re both idiots.
IMAGINE:Timothy Jackson Drake, brave (and heavily caffeinated) leader of the Teen Titans, just saying it like it is.
IMAGINE:Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian, sitting on Batman’s Batcomputer chair in the Batcave whenever Bruce either disappears or tells them they can’t go on patrol with him.
Red Hood: Hey, c’mere @alias-sunshine, you know what we’re gonna do? I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna show that teacher of yours… Oh, man. Come on, I’ll show you something. *gestures for them to follow him*
alias-sunshine: *follows them to a walk-in closet in Jason’s safe house*
Red Hood: *approaches the steel-doored closet and holds a hand up* Wait here.
Red Hood: *Retinal Scan – PASSED*
Red Hood: *Palm Print Scan – PASSED*
Red Hood: *Voice Recognition*
Red Hood: It’s me.
Voice-activated Lock: Voice not recognized. Attempt one of three before Code Red Protocol is activated.
Red Hood: You listen here, I programmed you –
Voice-activated Lock: Attempt two of three. Initializing –
Red Hood: No, no! Wait. Stop. Okay.
Red Hood: *glances at alias-sunshine shyly, rubs his neck sheepishly, then whispers to the mic* The Handsome Robin.
Voice-activated Lock: Voice unintelligible. Attempt three of –
Red Hood: THE HANDSOME ROBIN!
Voice-activated Lock: Well, hello there, Jason Todd. *door opens*
Red Hood: *chuckles in embarrassment* It’s broken. *clears his throat* Right this way.
Red Hood: *takes a wooden box with a poorly drawn Robin symbol on it from a shelf, opens it, then takes out a yellowing piece of paper*
Red Hood: *hands it to alias-sunshine* See that? That’s how we’re gonna show your teacher.
Paper [a comic book panel from Batman Annual #12 (1988)]:
alias-sunshine: *looks at him, puzzled*
Red Hood: *places a hand on their shoulder* We’re gonna study like crazy, kid. I’m gonna show you the ropes. We’re gonna train for your exams like Riddler’s making ‘em. And your teacher’s head is gonna spin with all the good grades they’ll be handing you. *sighs in contentment* I mean, will you look at that G.P.A…. I should probably change my password to “The Smartest Robin” –
Red Robin: *entering through a window* Too bad the title’s already taken.
Red Hood: How’d you – Never mind.
Red Robin: I fixed a few glitches in your security system. *sees alias-sunshine, then looks at Jason questioningly* Hey… ?
Red Hood: It’s a long story. *gestures haphazardly as he makes introductions* alias-sunshine, Red Robin, Loser, alias-sunshine.
Red Robin: *grins and shakes hands with alias-sunshine*
Red Hood: What’re you even doing he–
Red Robin: *snatches the paper from alias-sunshine’s hand and snaps a photo of it* Dude, is this… ?
Red Hood: *grabs it from Tim* Gimme that! You’ll get it all dirty.
Red Robin: How… how do you have that?
Red Hood: *carefully replacing the paper in the wooden box* None of your business, Tim. I have… connections.
Red Robin: How is this even possible, Jay? With all the continuity changes we’ve been through, we might not even be on the same timeline as that report card… *scrolling through the contacts on his communicator* I’m sending this to Bruce. Or Barry Allen. Or maybe Mr. Mxyzptlik?
Red Hood: *slowly faces Tim with narrowed eyes* How do you know about continuity changes?
Red Robin: I, uh… *runs back to the window and grapple-hooks out of it* Gotta go! See ya arouuund, alias-sunshiiiiine!
Red Hood [to alias-sunshine]: We’re gonna pretend you didn’t just witness that, alright? Look, kid… About the whole adoption thing… That’s kind of Batman’s department. Not sure what you’ve heard, but he’s *sigh* really not that bad. *rapidly blinks away tears that’re threatening to fall*
Red Hood: But my offer still stands. Tutorials, after classes, two hours a day, three days a week, unlimited Batburgers with Jokerized fries on me. *offers to bump fists* You in?
Imagine:Red Hood, who’s incredibly bored during patrol, attempting to sneak up on Red Robin, who’s busy investigating, only to be surprised by Robin, who they had no idea came to patrol with them.
Him: *claps his hands to get the students’ attention* “Okay, so. It’s your turn to try the moves I showed you. I need a volunteer. Who wants to go first?”
Hands: *shoot up in the air before he even finishes saying the word “first”*
Him: *beckons a student over* “You.”
Student: *approaches him*
Him: *chuckles sheepishly and holds up a hand* “Woah there, a little too close. I can, uh, practically smell your breath. *clears his throat* So here’s how it’s going to go. I’m going to tackle you from behind…”
Student: *staring at him dreamily*
Him: “… and you’re supposed to fight back.”
Student: *nodding absentmindedly*
Him: *proceeds to tackle them*
Student: *melts in his arms*
Him: *sighs in frustration*
>>> — <<<
Him: *does a standing double backflip, pulls escrima sticks from his back mid-air, then lands lightly on his feet, pouncing on a dummy*
Class: *silent*
Student: “You want us to do what now?”
JASON:
Him: *demonstrates how to disarm an attacker using a dummy*
Class: *watches in horror as the dummy practically breaks in half*
Him: *growls, stands up, then roughly wipes the sweat off his face*
Him: *finally notices their shock* “But, you know, it’s, um… It’s just one way to do it. You could always improvise.”
>>> — <<<
Student: *approaches him after class* “Mr. Todd, can I just pay you?”
Him: “Well, yeah, these classes aren’t exactly free…”
Student: “I mean, can I just pay you to go around with me?”
Him: “Uh…”
Student: *shaky breath* “It’s just that there’s this bully in my school and…”
Him: “Say no more. It’s on me.”
TIM:
Class: *puzzled*
Student A: “Uh… This is a train station.”
Him: *tossing a blindfold to each of them* Yup.
Student B: “Where exactly are we headed?”
Him: *listens for an oncoming train* On top.
Student C: “Of the train?”
Him: *sipping liquid caffeine from a sachet* Mm-hm.
Student D: *examining the blindfold in their hand, confused* “Yeah… I don’t think any of us are gonna get mugged on top of a train any time soon.”
Him: *wearing his own blindfold and smirking* “It’s better to know it and not need it.”
>>> — <<<
Class: *puzzled*
Student A: “Uh… This is a computer room.”
Him: *turning the lights on* “Yup. Each of you choose a laptop.”
Student B: “What exactly are we doing here? I thought this was a self-defense class.”
Him: *turning on the state-of-the-art laptop at the front of the room* “Ever heard of cyber bullying?”
DAMIAN:
Him: *drags a heavy crate into the training room and opens it* “Line up. Pick your weapon. Then pair up. Do it quickly and” *narrows his eyes* "quietly.“
Student A: *whispering while gingerly touching the tip of an arrowhead* “Is this… kryptonite?”
Student B: *whispering back while examining the katana in their hand* “I don’t know, but I don’t think this is gonna fit in my purse.”
>>> — <<<
Him: *pacing around the room* “As I was saying, every martial art is” – *does a double take* “Todd?”
Jason: *walking into the dojo with a student* “In the flesh. Wassup, little brother?”
Student: *points at Damian* “That’s the bully I was telling you about!”
Him: “-Tt-”
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
You know, I’ve read great reviews about these self-defense instructors from Gotham City. But I heard Batman might take you in soon after completing their courses, @prison-mikes-bandana . *scoffs* That’s silly.
Jason: *gets up, dusts himself off, then slowly walks towards Damian’s student*
Damian’s student: *backs away, trembling in fear, until they hit a wall*
Jason: *towering over them* “One: That hurt.” *rolls his eyes* “My feelings.”
Jason: “Two:” *breaks the shaft of the arrow sticking out of his flank in half* “I’m undead, not Kryptonian.”
Jason: *narrows his eyes* “And, three…”
Damian’s student: *close to tears, shielding their face*
Jason: *smirks* “Your teacher taught you well.” *pats them on the shoulder*
Damian: “Are you done, Todd? I have a class to teach.”
Jason: *cracks his knuckles* “No, not really. I have beef with you because apparently you have beef with a student of mine.” *gestures to his own student*
Jason’s student: *raises their hand proudly*
The rest of the students: *buzzing with excitement, placing bets*
Damian: “-Tt-” *gritting his teeth* “Can we please settle this at home? I’m kind of busy here.”
Jason: *rubbing his chin* “Huh. Speaking of beef… I could use some of Alfred’s stew.”
Jason’s student: *whispering to him* “Who’s Alfred?”
Foreword: Okay, this wasn’t even an Ask or a prompt sent specifically to me, but I reblogged this post a bunch of times with my own answers back in September 2019 (T’was fun!) and figured I might as well compile them into one post. That being said, thank you to @batmanisagatewaydrug for the suggestion. (P.S. If you do come across the original post, check out what the others answered. Pretty hilarious stuff.)
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –
Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?
Batman: *snorts, then lets go of the door handle and glares at the window*
Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of the consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –
Driver: *eyeing them through the rearview mirror* So, you two headed to Gotham Comic Con?
Batman: Hrrrn.
Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.
>>> — <<<
Red Hood: *takes his helmet off, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*
Driver: Sir, that’s not –
Red Hood: *blows smoke out of the window and offers him a stick* Want one?
Driver: No, it’s… it’s fine. Thank you.
Red Hood: You seen any penguins around here lately?
Driver: Penguins… Like the ones at the zoo?
Red Hood: *surveying every establishment they drive by* No, no. Suspicious ones.
Driver: I, um… don’t think so…
Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.
Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –
Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –
Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rearview mirror*
Red Hood: *hands him a hundred dollar bill, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man. Stay safe.
Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the back door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.
>>> — <<<
Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!
Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked… ?
Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*
Driver: *eyeing him through the rearview mirror* Costume party, huh?
Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Unfunny clowns, talking crocodiles, two-faced men… You name it.
Driver: Sounds wild.
Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.
Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop off you at *zooms the location in* the Gotham Garbage and Recycling Center? … At 2 AM?
Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*
>>> — <<<
At Gotham Academy…
Damian: *glares at the driver through the rearview mirror*
Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*
Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.
Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?
Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.
Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, please don’t – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button on his phone after keying in “911”*
Damian: That won’t be necessary.
Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*
Meanwhile…
Alfred: *answers the phone while chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transporta– Oh, oh, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought – Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. *click*
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