Bruce: *steps out of the Batcave and into the Manor after patrol*
Bruce: *pauses*
Bruce: *sighs wearily*
Bruce: *in a loud, deadpan voice* Where, oh, where can my eldest child be?
Dick: *covered from head-to-toe in body paint, blending in with the wallpaper in the library*
Dick: *yelling and giggling* You’ll never find me, Bruce! I took the tracker out of my arm this morning!
>>> — <<<
Batman: *working on the Batcomputer* Were you able to get the stuff I needed from GCPD like I asked you to?
Nightwing: *carries an evidence box and drops it on the table beside Bruce* Yup! Yup, yup, yup. Just like you asked.
Batman: *opens the box* Hn.
Batman: *takes a heavy book entitled “Batman and Robin: The Golden Age” out of it and glares at Dick* What’s this?
Nightwing: Gee whiz! How’d that get in there? I’ve been looking all over for it!
Batman: *handing the book over to Dick* Take it –
Nightwing: *already slowly backing out of the Batcave* Come to think of it, how about you and I read it before I sleep? It really helps take care of those gosh-darned nightmares! *running out* See you later, Bruce!
Batman: Hrrrrn. *wiping dust from the yellowing cover* See you later, chum.
>>> — <<<
Red Robin: Are you serious right now, Dick? I’m already dressed. And I’ve been tracking our mark for three weeks now.
Nightwing: Yeah. Batman said so.
Red Hood: Let me just run that by everyone again. *inhaling deeply* Bruce said we couldn’t go on patrol with the two of you tonight…?
Nightwing: Um-hmm. Sorry, guys.
Robin: Grayson, that doesn’t even make sense! It’s family patrol night.
Nightwing: Yeah, well, maybe the rest of you can just –
Nightwing: *hears the Batmobile revving up* Gotta go!
[In the Batmobile…]
Batman: *activating the tracking device and backing out of the Batcave as Dick gets into the passenger side* Where’s everyone?
Nightwing: Huh?
Batman: *stares at Dick suspiciously* Your siblings. Are they ready?
Nightwing: *shrugs* Oh. They all said something about this other mission that they had to take care of or whatever. Hey, mind if we pass by Bat Burger real quick?
[Three hours later…]
Batgirl: *passing the binoculars to Tim*Called it.
Red Robin: *looks through it and watches in amusement as Bruce and Dick eat Batburgers atop a gargoyle from three buildings away*Well, I’ll be darned. *passes the binoculars to Steph*
Spoiler: *looks through it* Ugh! This is making me hungry.
Robin: *grabs the binoculars from Steph* Let me see! Let me see! *looks through it for a good two minutes, then passes it to Duke* -Tt- That traitor.
The Signal: *looks through the binoculars for moment, then passes it to Cass* It’s almost like he’s a kid again.
Black Bat: *looks through it and sighs happily* It’s adorable.
Alfred [on the Comm Link]: I’m afraidMaster Dick’s been competing with all of you for Master Bruce’s attention for so long that he’s… regressing.
Red Hood: *chuckles* If he wanted to spend some alone time with the old Bat that badly, he could’ve just said so.
Dick: Okay. *takes out a clipboard and a bunch of entrance tickets* Roll call.
Jason: This is dumb. We’re not kids.
Dick: *grins* Hey, we don’t get to do this a lot, so we should do it right. I don’t want anyone getting lost.
Dick: *tosses a walkie-talkie to each of his siblings* Now, do you remember your code names?
He’s also the first one to get lost once they get in because he’s just raring to try every ride he can. But he particularly enjoys those where he feels like he’s freefalling.
Ride Attendant: *deadpan* Sir, I don’t know how you did that, but if you don’t get back behind those safety restraints I’m going to have to ask you to get off this thing.
Dick: *reduces his dislocated shoulder and winks at them before spreading his wings arms and jumping off (much to the attendant’s horror)*
How he gets Bruce to come on these family trips is beyond anyone…
Dick: You promised me, Bruce. We pinky-swore.
Bruce: *trying to solve a cold case on the Batcomputer* Those things aren’t binding, Dick.
Dick: They are to me.
… Let alone how he gets Bruce to ride the Bumper Cars every time.
Dick: *excitedly tapping the steering wheel with his fingers* Isn’t this fun, Bruce? This time you get to be a rogue, and I get to be Batman chasing you in the Batmobile.
Bruce: *in the car across from Dick’s, struggling to fit into it and trying to fasten the flimsy seat belt* Hrrrn.
>>> — <<<
JASON:
While his family and their friends race to the most thrilling rides, he usually heads elsewhere by himself. Everyone assumes he’s the daredevil (and they’re right). But, if truth be told, he only comes on these family trips for a different kind of escape: solitude.
Jason: *lights up a cigarette as he takes in the breathtaking view from the top of the Ferris wheel, which had stopped turning*
Damian: *dangling from a spoke cable near Jason’s cabin* Todd.
Jason: *gets startled and drops his cigarette into the abyss* WHA- HOW – DID YOU JUST CLIMB UP THIS THING?
Damian: *jumps into the cabin, sits across from Jason, and dusts himself off*
Jason: Shouldn’t you be down there having fun, kid?
Damian: This place is overrated.
Jason: You’re too young to be this cynical.
Damian: -Tt- What do you know?
Jason: *takes another cigarette from his jacket pocket, lights it up, then takes a drag* I know you think it’s too late for you to have a childhood, but it’s not, alright? Look, Robin’s a great gig and everything – Heck, I loved every second of it until, well… What I’m trying to say is that sometimes we forget that we have a life outside of being Batman’s sidekick.
Damian: *shuffling his feet awkwardly*
Jason: *chuckles* I know all the sweetest rides. Next time we come here, you stick with me, deal?
Damian: *grins* Deal.
Jason and Damian: *enjoy the silence that follows*
>>> — <<<
TIM:
Show-off, that’s what he is.
Carnival Attendant: *exhausted from re-stacking the milk jugs for the nth time*
Tim: *handing over the nth stuffed toy he’s won in a row* Here you go.
The nth child to approach him: *enthusiastic* Thank you, mister!
Carnival Attendant: *wiping sweat off their forehead* Boy, I think it’s time you moved to another booth.
Tim: *sheepishly scratching his head* Oh, um, they’ve all already kind of asked me to do that, so…
He’s not very good at separating work from pleasure.
Dick [on the walkie-talkie]: Timmy? Over. Where are you? Over. Wanna try Lex’s “Drop of Doom” with me –
Tim: *moving at 100 km/hr* Not now, Dick! Over!
Dick: Woah, what’re you on? It sounds like you’re moving really fast. Over.
Tim: Ziplining! Over! Roger! Whatever! Gotta go –
Dick: Wait, what? There’s a zip li– *static*
Tim: *crashes into the criminal he’s been tracking down* GOTCHA!
Let’s just say maybe he’s not the best person to bring to an amusement park (as his ex-girlfriend Zoanne Wilkins would attest to in canon).
Tim: *yawning*
Bruce: *frowning* You have footprints on your face.
Tim: *slaps Bruce’s hand away as the latter attempts to wipe it off* It’s a new look.
Alfred: I trust you enjoyed your nap on the Bouncy Castle, Master Timothy?
Dick: *throws hands up in frustration* I thought we talked about this. No going on patrol at least one day before this trip, remember?
>>> — <<<
DAMIAN:
Tim: *squatting slightly to be face-to-face with Damian* Do you know what they do to children who can’t reach the height limit for rides, brat?
Damian: Shut your fat mouth, Drake!
Tim: *grinning mischievously* They don’t let them ride anything but those spinning teacups –
Alfred:Enough, Master Timothy.
Drake and his nonsense, right? Of course he’s tall enough (making him breathe a secret sigh of relief). But maybe, just maybe, those teacups would be better than:
Damian: *covering his ears and glaring at Dick, who’s been gleefully screaming his head off, for the entire duration of the roller coaster ride*
Dick: *pumping his fists in the air as the ride slows down to a stop* Woohoooo! Wanna do it again, Little D?
Damian: -Tt- *gets up once the restraints are lifted and trudges away*
He doesn’t understand how his siblings are still this exhilarated to be in such a “juvenile” place when they face actual life-and-death situations on an almost-daily basis. Until…
Damian: *tugs on Bruce’s sleeve* Father. I need $200.
Bruce: Son, you don’t have to pay every time you get on a ride –
Damian: No, not for those things! It’s for that. *points at a souvenir shop* And that. *points at a cotton candy cart* And that. *points at a poster of an upcoming musical performance*
Alfred: *gives Bruce a pointed look*
Bruce: *takes his wallet out* Here, take my card.
Damian: *grabs Alfred’s hand* Let’s go, Pennyworth! We’ve no time to waste!
Bruce: *grins as he watches Damian drag Alfred with him*
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
They’re definitely not your typical theme park-going family, @alias-sunshine . Thanks for this suggestion. The boys needed a break.
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 