When you’re painfully aware that your best friend is only human…
Superman: *hovering* Why you?
Batman: *perched on a gargoyle, looking through a telescopic sight* Why me what?
Superman: Why do you have to hunt all these dangerous criminals in Gotham? Why not let someone else do it?
Batman: I can’t find anybody else that crazy.
Tag: bruce wayne
Why no one likes playing chess with Bruce Wayne…
Supercomputer: *makes a move*
Batman: Now I’m stumped.
Supercomputer: 😏
Batman: There are three ways that I can beat you, but I don’t know which one to use.
Supercomputer: 😳
Batman: You know what? I’ll use the pawn. They never get to be the hero.
Supercomputer: 😤
Bruce trying out a new parenting strategy…
Bruce: *reading the newspaper* Well, good morning, David.
Damian: David?
Bruce: I know you’re not my well-behaved son, Damian, who’d never take the Batmobile out without a license and get arrested.
Green Lantern: We shouldn’t be doing this without back-up.
Batman: You are the back-up.
Green Lantern: I am the back-up. I hate you so much.
Mission briefing…
Batman: The B-52 is on the ocean floor here at a depth of 8,000 feet –
Red Hood: Or 1,333 fathoms.
Red Robin: How do you know that?
Red Hood: How do you not?
Nightwing: I haven’t seen you for a month, B, and I’m standing here in a neck brace. You gonna ask how I’m doing or what happened or… ?
Batman: *not looking up from the Batcomputer* I assume you did something stupid.
While Thomas Wayne, the Flashpoint Batman, is visiting his son Bruce, the current Batman…
Jason: Grandpa, I’m not going to hit you!
Jason:
Jason: *sighs* No grandkid should ever have to say that.
Batman: *studying Kryptonian morphology* Hn. It’s no wonder none of the tests worked. You’re not shapeshifters. You’re aliens.
Superman: You know, I find that term racist.
When your grandsons, in an effort to step out of their father’s shadow, get an apartment of their own…
Nightwing’s uniform: *splayed on the couch along with Dick’s hair products and smelly socks*
Red Hood’s weapons: *lying in wait for someone to accidentally trip on them*
Red Robin’s coffee: *spilled all over the dining table – which also doubles as Tim’s makeshift bed – and his laptop*
Robin’s pets: *walking in and out of the bathroom, soaking wet*
Alfred: *looking around with a deadpan-but-clearly disappointed look on his face*
Alfred: *clears his throat as he steps over a fallen garbage can on the floor*
Alfred: Who washes the dishes?
Jason: *defensively raising his hands in front of his face* Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table and you know it!
Why it sometimes takes forever for Batman’s sons to finish their meals (much to Alfred’s chagrin)…
Robin: *staring at a utensil on the dining table* All of my instincts and my training are telling me to use this like a weapon.
– • – • – • – • –
This is me going out on a limb here and assuming that this family still takes the time to eat.