After the first few rides with a young Richard “Dick” Grayson…
Batman: Let’s make the Batmobile a place of silent reflection from now on, Robin.
Tag: bruce wayne
Batman [to a criminal]: If one more person gets killed because you’re not telling me what you know, we’re going to have a serious problem. And I don’t mean a court room problem, I mean a me-and-you personal problem.
When your best friend comes to visit you at Wayne Manor…
Tim: You okay?
Conner: Just another life-threatening conversation with your dad.
When Bruce and Clark met Diana…
Batman: *staring intently at Wonder Woman from across the room* Come stand next to me.
Superman: Why?
Batman: So she doesn’t think I’m creepy.
Superman: Well, you are creepy.
Batman: I realize this. That’s why I need you.
Red Hood: Don’t give me the “hurt feelings” thing, Bruce. Because A, I don’t buy it, and B, I don’t care.
The Robins as…
BABYSITTERS
(Let’s face it: they all need Alfred. But left to their own devices…)
Dick:
- It comes naturally to him, a perk of being a father (even if he isn’t on this Earth yet) and big brother figure to people within and outside of the Batfamily.
- Unashamedly reads maternity books out of curiosity.
- Cooing, babbling, silly animal sounds and corny jokes. He’ll be utterly annoying to grown-ups, but absolutely delightful to anyone below the age of 8.
- Gentle disciplinarian.
Jason:
- Protective. Even from himself. None of his weapons within a one mile radius (unless locked up in a Wayne Tech-grade safe).
- Doesn’t mind being vulnerable around young’uns and will indulge their playtime fantasies. (*to toddler* “I’m, um… *looks around to make sure that no one else is around* Red Robin Hood.” But Alfred is around. He always is.)
- Reluctantly pulls out Shakespeare from a shelf when asked by a toddler, “Will you wead me a bedtime stowy?”
Tim:
- Takes baby-proofing to another level. (He prefers that things be on autopilot because he’s a busy, busy vigilante.)
- But once in a while he can’t help himself and goes into Kid Mode. (Supervillain who?)
- Sneaks kids into the Batcave for a “field trip” when Bruce isn’t around (and Bruce pretends he doesn’t know).
- Actually enjoys helping with homework (even if he’s lazy to do his own).
Damian:
- Hates it… Then pretends to hate it… Then actually finds that it pleases him.
- Because he likes having a protegé (“Master Damian, he is four!” But he doesn’t understand why that matters since he canonically started training around that age.)
- Is secretly fascinated by Lego and other “children’s toys” and somewhat surprised that swords and encyclopedias don’t fall into the same category.
Gotham City rogues gallery pep talks be like…
Two-Face: Yeah, be prepared! We’ll be prepared… for what?
Joker: For the death of the Bat prince!
Scarecrow:
Why? Is he sick?Joker:
No, fool! We’re going to kill him. And Robin, too.Killer Croc:
Hey, great idea! Who needs the Bat?Harley Quinn: *sings and dances*
No prince, no prince, la la la la la la –Joker:
Idiots! There will be a prince!
Riddler:
Hey, but you said that –Joker: I will be prince. Stick with me and you’ll never be fearful again!
The Gotham King
Batman: *holding Damian by the scruff of the neck*
Robin: *growling and attempting to free himself*
Batman: This is, uh… *clears his throat* This is my son.
Wonder Woman: Your offspring is adorable! May I keep him?
Nightwing: *panting after having sprinted from across the hall* NO! No, you – you certainly may n-not!
When your grandsons, in an effort to step out of their father’s shadow, get an apartment of their own…
Nightwing’s uniform: *splayed on the couch along with Dick’s hair products and smelly socks*
Red Hood’s weapons: *lying in wait for someone to accidentally trip on them*
Red Robin’s coffee: *spilled all over the dining table – which also doubles as Tim’s makeshift bed – and his laptop*
Robin’s pets: *walking in and out of the bathroom, soaking wet*
Alfred: *looking around with a deadpan-but-clearly disappointed look on his face*
Alfred: *clears his throat as he steps over a fallen garbage can on the floor*
Alfred: Who washes the dishes?
Jason: *defensively raising his hands in front of his face* Nobody washes the dishes! We eat the food directly off the coffee table and you know it!
Inviting your best friend to your hometown be like…
Clark: *driving to Smallville* Bruce, I know you have some very definite expectations for this weekend.
Bruce: *on the passenger’s seat* Why do you think that?
Clark: Because you sent me an e-mail three days ago that said, “Clark, I have some very definite expectations for this weekend”.