Batman: Alfred, I don’t pay you to mock me.
Alfred: Master Bruce, you’d have to pay me not to.
Tag: bruce wayne
Attempting to buy weapons at an underground armory…
Red Hood [to store owner]: *realizing that Bruce cancelled his credit cards* Wait, fine, my credit is bad. Do you accept street cred?
Commissioner Gordon: *throws his hands up in frustration* It’s a theory!
Batman: *crouching on a gargoyle* It’s my gut.
Commissioner Gordon: Does your gut have any evidence we can bring to a prosecutor?
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Don’t believe him, Jim. “Gut” actually stands for “I’ve done all the research humanly possible for this particular matter and I don’t have time to explain all of it to you right now. Plus, I really prefer to keep my work a secret.”
Nightwing: You had a bad shoulder and that’s why you could never play catch with me while I was Robin, right?
Batman: Riiiiiight.
When your detective of a father asks you and your brothers what happened to the Batmobile…
Bruce [to Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian]: *narrows eyes*
Bruce: Usually, when everything’s normal, people don’t respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.
What Batman’s day is really like…
Dick: *watching on as one of his brothers does something*
Dick: Bruce? Did you just see – ?
Bruce: Yes. I’ll deal with that tomorrow.
Batman [to The Flash (Wally) and Green Lantern (Kyle)]: Both of you have done exemplary work, which I appreciate.
Green Lantern: And I can see that by the absolutely no indicators on your face.
Speculating about Batman’s powers while on Watchtower monitor duty..
Green Lantern: *sketching on a tablet he conjured up* Hey, Wal? What if he can smell crime?
The Flash: *speed-typing a report for Batman* … What if he smells crime, Kyle?
Green Lantern: Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
The Flash: Dude, that’s amazing… Smells crime before it even happens. Yes, dude!
Green Lantern: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE? Write that down, I like that.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Batman: *in a space ship somewhere in the Solar System, listening in via the comms* Hnn.
Batman: Good job out there, Rayner.
Green Lantern: That means a lot coming from you, Mr. Batman, sir.
Green Lantern: *conjures up a cellphone construct*
Green Lantern: So, maybe if you could say it again to my Snapchat for a keepsake, that’d be amazing.
Batman: *glaring*
Green Lantern: Or, you know, we can do it later. I’ll just remember the phrasing.
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