Discussing the tumultuous “situation” with Red Hood…
Superman: Why are you desperately trying to put your family together when a part of it is so clearly broken?
Batman: The definition of the word “broken” suggests that something can be fixed.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Also, they’re all kinda broken.
Tag: bruce wayne
Batman: You are a compassionate woman, Jessica.
Green Lantern: *begins to smile – *
Batman: It’s your fatal flaw and it will be your downfall.
Green Lantern: Well, that got dark fast.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Bruce, you hypocrite.
Simon: *in civilian clothes, whistling while making tacos in the kitchen*
Batman: *perched on the window sill* Hello, Baz.
Simon: Jess and Hal are in the living room. One girlish scream from me and they go into Lantern mode.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Which is why you take your ring with you at all times. You never know when a creepy colleague will show up at your apartment unannounced.
The question is, would any of the Batkids prank Bruce on April 1st?
Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*
Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*
Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*
Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*
Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*
Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*
Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*
Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.
Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*
Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*
Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him*
Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.
Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*
Bruce: Alf–
Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder.
Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.
Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?
Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away*
Bruce: *heads to a secret room*
Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?
Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –
Bruce: Stop. Hn.
Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*
Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?
Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?
Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?
Meanwhile…
The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*
Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.
Alfred: *sighs and gestures to a pile of onesies by his rocking chair*
Alfred: *holds up a cat-shaped one, then a turkey-shaped one, then a cow-shaped one*
Alfred: And of course… *spreads a gigantic, beast-shaped one across the carpeted floor*
Alfred: The youngest Wayne insists that they be ready before winter, @rubysoleilsworld .
Do you think the bat kids have gotten used to Damian’s blatant displays of affection for his father and demonic spawn violence against everyone else? (I.e. I imagine Damian would have no qualms calling Bruce ‘daddy’ and hanging onto him when he wants something)
Red Hood: Did it work?
Robin: *scoffs* Must you ask me that, Todd? *holds up the keycard to the Batmobile*
Red Robin: Ha! *holds out his hand* Pay up, Jay! I knew it. I knew it.
Red Hood: I’m honestly impressed. *slaps $100 on Tim’s hand*
Robin: *adjusts his collar* Blood son, remember?
Red Hood: *opening his wallet and letting its contents drop on the table* Now, let’s say I pay you… two hundred… fifty-six dollars and… sixty cents, would that make you nicer to us?
Red Robin: *turns on his mobile banking app* Hold on, hold on, plenty more where that came from.
Nightwing: *enters the room*
Robin: *runs to Dick and hugs him tightly*
Nightwing: *surprised* Heeeey, Li’l D… You okay?
Red Hood: Nice.
Red Robin: We haven’t even paid you yet.
Robin: *burying his face in Dick’s tummy, muffling his voice* You don’t have to pay me for this.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Meanwhile, in the Batcave…
Batman: *replaying surveillance footage of Damian whimpering and hugging him tightly seconds before he hands over the keycard for the nth time*
Batman: *narrows his eyes* Hrnnn.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
@tenaciouspeacesandwich Uhhhh… Yes and no?
Nightwing: *smirks*
Nightwing: *passes binoculars to Red Hood*
Red Hood: *looks through binoculars*
Red Hood: *sees Batman and Catwoman giggling at each other three rooftops away*
Red Hood: It’s like he’s had a personality transplant. Now he’s happy?
Why the Batman’s never flying commercial with any of his sons again…
Jason: *chucking the menu for first class at the seat behind him* How many beers can we order at once?
Flight attendant: I’m not sure… No one’s ever asked that.
Bruce: *at the seat behind Jason* Hrrrn.
The question is, would any of the Batkids prank Bruce on April 1st?
Bruce: *walks around the Manor to check on his kids*
Dick: *on his bed, cutting his toenails and admiring how shiny they are*
Jason: *in the library, arranging the books by author*
Tim: *by the pool, playing online D&D with his Young Justice teammates*
Damian: *in the backyard, doing drills with Titus*
Cass: *in the dance studio, practicing some ballet moves*
Steph: *in the kitchen, making a mess with the waffle maker*
Bruce: What are you doing he– Hn. Never mind.
Duke: *in the tennis court, playing with Luke*
Barbara: *in the Batcave, typing on her laptop*
Bruce: *whispers to her* You would tell me, wouldn’t you?
Barbara: *stops typing and raises an eyebrow at him*
Bruce: Hn. Forget I said anything.
Alfred: *in the front parlor, knitting a Batman onesie*
Bruce: Alf–
Alfred: *lifts a finger* IF you ask me one more time, Master Bruce, you will have no more cookies for the rest of this year. I don’t care if you cry blood murder.
Bruce: Hn. *muttering under his breath* At least I know where your loyalty lies.
Alfred: *puts down the onesie* What was that?
Bruce: Nothing. *speed-walks away*
Bruce: *heads to a secret room*
Bruce: *clears his throat* Brother Eye. Nothing?
Brother Eye: Good morning, Batman. Last scan was 3 minutes, 42 seconds and 5 milliseconds ago. Scanning all surveillance cameras in the Manor and in places frequented by your children and activating advanced facial recognition now. 0 results. Scanning all forms of digital communication to and from your children’s communication devices now. 0 results. Scanning all travel –
Bruce: Stop. Hn.
Bruce: *dials a number on his phone*
Clark [on the other end of the line, in Smallville]: *milking a cow* Yeeeello?
Bruce: I’m your best friend, right… ?
Clark: *starting to sweat* Why are you e-even a-asking me that, Bruce?
Meanwhile…
The Batkids: *communicating within the Manor by sign language and passing handwritten notes to each other, evading the surveillance cameras using their training from Batman*
Dick: Hurry up, guys. Only a matter of time before Superman breaks.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Let’s just say that Bruce gets a liiiiiiiiiiitle bit more paranoid around this time of year. For good reason.
Jason may not want a hug but please let him know that I would die for him please and thank you (if my username isn’t a dead giveaway that I would die for him)
Red Hood [to @redhoodparker ]: What? What makes you think that? You know what, c’mere. *gestures for them to come closer*
Red Hood: *holds up a hand to stop them* Oh, but first, put this on. *tosses a black hazmat suit with a Batman logo on it and a face shield with pointy ears over to them*
Red Hood: There. *wobbles over to them, making a light squishy sound as the fabric of his thick PVC suit moves*
Red Hood: *exhales contentedly as he finally hugs them tightly* This… This is nice.
Red Hood: …
@redhoodparker : …
Red Hood: It looks like I’m hugging Batman, doesn’t it?
At the Watchtower…
Justice League: *watching surveillance, Youtube and news footage on the mainframe computer*
Batman: *walks into the room and sees Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, Robin and Lark (and a bunch of burning buildings and screaming citizens) on the screen*
Superman: *arms crossed*
Wonder Woman: *hands on hips, shaking her head*
Aquaman: *raises an eyebrow*
The Flash: *wide-eyed*
Green Lantern: *biting his lip to suppress a smirk*
Cyborg: Wo-ho-hoooooo.
Batman: Hn.
Batman: Whatever they did, add it to my tab.
Batman: *walks out*
And if you were convinced that Batman went back to work at the Watchtower after walking calmly and collectedly out of that room, then you probably didn’t even consider that he’d run to the teleporters at top speed to get back to Earth and do damage control (a.k.a. give his kids a piece of his mind).
incorrect-batfamily-quotes 