Bruce: Tim, I really don’t like you telling personal secrets to the Teen Titans.
Tim: Bruce, I didn’t tell ‘em personal stuff.
Bruce: Today at the Justice League meeting everyone knew that I dyed my white hairs black.
Tim: Oh, you mean about you?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
It’s just that even in the rare moments that he’s asleep, your son’s mind is going a mile a minute and his mouth goes along with it, Batman.
Dick: I missed you so much that I couldn’t concentrate in school and I got an “F”, Bruce!
Bruce: This is dated two weeks ago.
Dick: Oh, sorry. *takes out a crumpled slip of paper from his pocket* Here’s a fresh one.
Really, Richard? It had nothing to do with Robin’s secret patrols with Superman?
Jason: What’s odd is you wanting to date our fath- Bruce!
Selina: Why’s that odd?
Jason: Because you’re you! And he’s, um –
Selina: Handsome, mysterious, successful, a genius…
Jason: Like, one of those, tops.
Why Batman sometimes dreads going on out-of-town Justice League missions (or, you know, dying)…
Bruce [to Alfred]: I take my eye off the ball for one minute and I’ve got one kid in a coma, one with a black eye, and one running a crime ring!
The Flash: Bats, you have your own secret airline? What kind of snacks are we talking about? Or are those a secret, too? *zooms in and out of the Batplane 1000 times*
Behave, Wallace.
Dick [to Bruce]: See, you throw science at things that should be emotional.
Batman: Alfred, I was totally fine before Dick came into my life.
Alfred: With all due respect, Master Bruce, you were a dumpster fire.
While on patrol…
Batman [on the Comm Link]: Tim, what’s your status?
Red Robin: Scared, anxious, worried.
When your adoptive son gets insecure…
Bruce: Dick, I wasn’t prepared to raise a kid like you. There’s no manual on how to raise a child who just lost both his parents. If there were, I would have read it a hundred times, cover-to-cover, because I loved you from the moment you stepped into the Manor. I just didn’t know how to show you.
… So you just encouraged him to fight crime alongside you? (Also, be careful, Batman. Declarations of love to Nightwing earn you the biggest tackle-hugs.)
If there was a manual there would’ve been no batman because Alfred would’ve read that FUCKING BOOK FOR INSIGHT
And Alfred’s like, “Fret not, Master Bruce. I wrote one as you were growing up”, then drops a six-inch-thick journal by the Batcomputer. A second volume includes his time with Dick, Jason, and Tim, and a third (and special) one, with Damian.
When Batman tells you to re-evaluate your life decisions and keep an open mind…
Red Hood: My mind is so open that a lot of bad thoughts are coming in!
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