a-wayne-at-heart-too:

Foreword: Okay, this wasn’t even an Ask or a prompt sent specifically to me, but I reblogged this post a bunch of times with my own answers back in September 2019 (T’was fun!) and figured I might as well compile them into one post. That being said, thank you to @batmanisagatewaydrug​ for the suggestion. (P.S. If you do come across the original post, check out what the others answered. Pretty hilarious stuff.)

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Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –

Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?

Batman: *snorts, then lets go of the door handle and glares at the window*

Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of the consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –

Driver: *eyeing them through the rearview mirror* So, you two headed to Gotham Comic Con?

Batman: Hrrrn.

Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.

>>> — <<<

Red Hood: *takes his helmet off, adjusts his domino mask, and lights up a cigarette*

Driver: Sir, that’s not –

Red Hood: *blows smoke out of the window and offers him a stick* Want one?

Driver: No, it’s… it’s fine. Thank you.

Red Hood: You seen any penguins around here lately?

Driver: Penguins… Like the ones at the zoo?

Red Hood: *surveying every establishment they drive by* No, no. Suspicious ones.

Driver: I, um… don’t think so…

Red Hood: *puts his cigarette out and flicks it into a garbage bin they pass* Just drop me off at that bar right there.

Driver: Are you sure? Because it says on the map that we’re still half a mile away from The Daily Planet –

Red Hood: *reloading a gun and muttering to himself while looking intensely out of the window* There you are, you piece of filth. Hiding out in Metropolis like the coward that you are –

Driver: *gulps as he eyes him through the rearview mirror*

Red Hood: *hands him a hundred dollar bill, then pats him on the shoulder* Thanks, man. Stay safe.

Driver: *gets a jolt as he hears the back door slam shut* You’re welcome, Sir… Rason Rodd.

>>> — <<<

Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!

Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked… ?

Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*

Driver: *eyeing him through the rearview mirror* Costume party, huh?

Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Unfunny clowns, talking crocodiles, two-faced men… You name it.

Driver: Sounds wild.

Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.

Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop off you at *zooms the location in* the Gotham Garbage and Recycling Center? … At 2 AM?

Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*

>>> — <<<

At Gotham Academy…

Damian: *glares at the driver through the rearview mirror*

Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*

Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.

Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?

Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.

Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, please don’t – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button on his phone after keying in “911”*

Damian: That won’t be necessary.

Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*

Meanwhile…

Alfred: *answers the phone while chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transporta– Oh, oh, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought – Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. *click*