Damian: Drake’s upset with me, and I’m not clear as to why.
Jason: Okay, were you talking before you he got upset?
Damian: Yes.
Jason: That’s probably it.
Tag: big brother of the year
Interventions at the Manor…
Alfred: *wearing a mask and carrying a vacuum cleaner*
Dick: *putting on gloves*
Jason: *filling a black garbage bag with piles of… What are these, Timbo?*
Damian: *pinching his nose and looking around in pure disgust*
Tim: I want to get rid of my stuff, but all my stuff is really good and I just can’t get rid of it.
Dick: It’s not and you have to.
Jason: Everything you own is trash.
Damian: You’re basically a hoarder, Drake.
Tim: *chugs a mug of coffee and stains his three-day-old shirt further*
Tim: Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else.
At a Batfamily meeting…
Red Robin: *nudging and whispering* How’d you do that?
Red Hood: *whispering back* Do what?
Red Robin: *sounding impressed* You were, like, ten feet away from the brat.
Red Hood: *sounding innocent* What are you talking about?
Red Robin: *smirking* I know what I saw.
Red Hood: *grinning* What did you see?
Red Robin: *shrugging* I don’t know. Nothing.
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
A little while later…
Damian: ….
Damian: -Tt-
Damian: TOOOOODDDDDDDD!
Getting off duty and finding an intruder in your apartment be like…
Dick: *walking into the dark kitchen, taking off his BPD uniform*
Dick: *pauses when he notices the light*
Dick: *carefully grabs an escrima stick from a hidden compartment in the cupboard*
Dick: *prepares to pounce on the intruder behind the open refrigerator door…*
Dick: aaaaAAHHHH… Huh?
Red Hood: *blinks*
Dick: *blinks*
Red Hood: *mouth stuffed with donuts and face covered in sugar sprinkles*
Red Hood: What are you, the donut police? Because if you are, you’re legally bound to tell me, or else it’s entrapment.
Don’t judge your brother, Dick. Beating up criminals can really build up an appetite.
Getting off duty and finding an intruder in your apartment be like…
Dick: *walking into the dark kitchen, taking off his BPD uniform*
Dick: *pauses when he notices the light*
Dick: *carefully grabs an escrima stick from a hidden compartment in the cupboard*
Dick: *prepares to pounce on the intruder behind the open refrigerator door…*
Dick: aaaaAAHHHH… Huh?
Red Hood: *blinks*
Dick: *blinks*
Red Hood: *mouth stuffed with donuts and face covered in sugar sprinkles*
Red Hood: What are you, the donut police? Because if you are, you’re legally bound to tell me, or else it’s entrapment.
Don’t judge your brother, Dick. Beating up criminals can really build up an appetite.
Tim: *in shock* And when I dropped Damian off at the Academy, he even gave me a hug.
Jason: Did he think you were choking, or… ?
When your eldest brother asks you to look after his Blüdhaven apartment while he’s away on a mission…
Red Robin: Oh, come on, Dick’s a grown man. He can take care of himself.
Red Hood: *opens the refrigerator to reveal a bottle of curdy milk, a half-eaten sandwich, and a bowl of soggy Cheerios*
Red Hood: *looking unimpressed* You really believe that?
Teaching your older brother an ancient form of meditation sacred to a line of assassins be like…
Damian: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Jason: Okay.
Damian: Embrace nothingness.
Jason: You got it.
Damian: Become like an uncarved stone.
Jason: Done.
Damian: Todd! You’re just pretending to know what I’m talking about!
Jason: True.
Damian: -Tt- It’s very frustrating!
Jason: I’ll bet.
Tim: *whispering* What’s your hurry?
Jason: *grabbing his leather jacket and kicking three-day-old garbage underneath the sofa* This place is depressing.
Dick: *yelling from the kitchen* Hey! I live here!
Jason: *yelling back* And I’m sure it’s a blast once you get used to it!
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Maybe if you cleaned up once in a while before these family visits, Nightwing…
Jason: Hey, brat, do you have to sit so close to the TV? Back up or it’ll hurt your eyes.
Damian: It will not.
Jason: *holding his fist up* Oh, yes, it will.
Damian: *slowly turns his head away from the TV to glare at his older brother*
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
Narrator’s Voice: Oh, something hurt indeed. And someone learned a valuable lesson that afternoon.
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