incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

tmntchickadee:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Superman: *clears his throat*

Batman:

Superman: *gets out of the Batmobile*

Batman:

Superman: *awkwardly pats the roof* Well. That was a long, silent car ride. Now I know how Dick feels.

You know any of his children would have music blaring and talking whether he contributes or not

Nightwing: *bops his head and taps his fingers on the dashboard to the beat of NSYNC’s “It’s Gonna Be Me”*

Nightwing: *takes an earphone out of his ear* What was that?

Batman:

Nightwing:

Batman:

Nightwing:

Batman: *clears his throat*

Nightwing: Oh, I thought I saw your mouth move.

Nightwing: *jams the earphone back in* A man can dream.

Nightwing: *checks the digital map and sighs* Five miles to gooo. Why do supervillain lairs have to be so far?

Batman:

Batman: Sync with bluetooth, code “A37”.

NSYNC: *starts blaring on the Batmobile speakers*

Nightwing: *takes off both earphones and grins at Bruce*

Batman: *grins*

Red Hood: *gets in and slams the Batmobile door excitedly* Thanks for picking me up, Big Bro *takes off his helmet and shakes his hair dry* Some kid from Crime Alley stole one of my tires, pretty impressive, actually – *rummaging through his jacket pockets for a USB drive* Plus there’s this cool new album that Roy wants us to check out, so turn that 90’s boyband crap off for just a sec – Hey, want me to transfer to the – the –

Red Hood: *finally notices Batman on the passenger seat and sullenly says* Yo.

Batman: *grunts*

Red Hood: *rolls his eyes*

Nightwing: *sees his brother’s reflection on the rearview mirror and grins* If I’d told you, would you have gotten in?

Red Hood: *muttering* Tss. Could’ve walked home. I have safehouses everywhere.

Nightwing: *cups an ear* What was that?

Red Hood: *crosses his arms* Nothing! Just shut up and drive.

Nightwing: *smirks*

Red Hood:

Batman:

Red Hood: Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be –

Batman:

Red Hood: *looks out the window* Never mind.

Batman:

Nightwing:

Red Hood: *tapping his foot awkwardly* Sooo… You let Golden Boy drive this thing. Neat.

Batman:

Nightwing: *trying to stifle a giggle*

Red Hood: Dick, you can just drop me off right here –

Batman: No.

Red Hood: *frowns*

Batman: *extends a palm towards Jason* The drive.

Red Hood:

Red Hood: *reluctantly drops it on Bruce’s palm*

Batman: *plugs it into the console*

Nightwing: *to the Comm Link, smiling from ear to ear* Alfred? Yeah. Extra plate on the dinner table, please.

Thirteen songs from “Harper’s Mix” later…

Nightwing: So lemme get this straight: You were just on my case for listening to 90′s music, and now you’re going gaga over –

Red Hood: *skips to the next track* Ssh, Goldie. This one?

Batman: *listens to the intro for 1.5 seconds*

Batman: “Unchained Melody”. 1955. Todd Duncan –

Red Hood: Wow.

Nightwing: Don’t you mean the Righteous Brothers?

Batman: – sang the vocals for the film “Unchained”.

Red Hood: You are officially old.

Batman: *grinning wistfully* My mother used to hum it to me.

Nightwing:

Red Hood:

Batman: *still grinning wistfully*

Red Hood: *clears his throat* That’s, um, swell. Hey, if you get this next one, I’ll concede and declare you King of –

Radio: *skipping tracks randomly*

Red Hood: What the –

Radio: *rewinds and fast-forwards by itself, then plays “Basket Case” by Green Day*

Red Hood: That wasn’t even on there!

Radio: *in a chipmunk voice* Jason Peter Todd, also known as the Red Hood, we summon you –

Red Hood: *points a gun at the console* AaaAArRggh –

Nightwing: *swerving the Batmobile slightly* Calm down, Little Wing!

Batman: Timothy, enough.

Radio: *erupts into belly laughter*

Radio: *wheezing* Y-you sh-should’ve seen your face, Jay. *sighs contentedly* What time are you guys getting here? I’m bored and hungry.

Red Hood: And dead meat. *crushes the tiny camera suctioned to the window*

Radio: Yeah, yeah. Drive faster, Dick –

Alfred [in the background]: Absolutely not!

Radio: You heard the man. Red Robin out! *static*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Happy to, @mysticalmeowler.​ 

Red Robin: *sinking deeper into the passenger seat of the Batmobile*

Red Robin: *sighs contentedly* Just me and the Batman. It’s been a while, huh? Remind me again why I haven’t been hitching a sweet, sweet ride with you these past few months?

Batman:

Red Robin: Could it be because of your endearing silence? Nah. It can’t be that. We both enjoy it.

Batman: *smirks*

Red Robin: Perhaps I simply don’t need to? I mean, the Redbird’s great and all, but this is the freakin’ Batmobile.

Batman: *fondly shakes his head ever-so-subtly that if you blinked you’d have missed it*

Red Robin: *presses a button on the dashboard, opening a compartment full of CDs* How about your nostalgia for… outdated tech?

Batman: *gives him a pointed look*

Red Robin: *holds his hands up as if in surrender* Hey, no judgement.

Batman: *swiftly swerves the Batmobile into a dark alley*

Red Robin: What *going through the CDs* do we have *takes a couple out* here?

Batman:

Red Robin: “Cassandra’s Ballet Recital”. Neat. Did you get to see it?

Batman: *nods fondly*

Red Robin: Me, too. I was in the middle of chasing a killer android, though, so I had to watch it from the rooftop of the opera house.

Red Robin: *rummaging* Hmm. “Dick’s Mix” – way to be creative, Richard – “Classical Concertos for Teens” – which I assume belongs to the brat – “Suicide Squad” film soundtrack – Jason’s current obsession –

Red Robin: Is this Duke’s? *holds up a yellow-colored CD* I’m taking this *stuffs it into his backpack* I dig his jam – “Oracle” – Wait, wait, wait… Don’t tell me –

Batman: She doesn’t know –

Red Robin: *already stuffing it into his backpack* Mine! Just in case, y’know, I need to blackmail either of you. Her voice is pretty awesome, though. Watchtower acoustics really did her a favor.

Batman: *nods in agreement*

Red Robin: *back to rummaging* What else, what else… “Cats”? Really, Bruce? Is Selina even into broadway?

Batman: *shrugs*

Red Robin: “Clark’s Country Playlist”. Superman carpools to warzones with you?

Batman: I play it here, he listens from above. Says it helps him focus.

Red Robin: *rubbing his chin* Maybe I could try that with Kon… 

Red Robin: “Purple Haze” – witty, Steph, but I don’t think you even knows who Jimi Hendrix is – “Oldies but Goodies” – which is, coincidentally, Alfie’s name on my phone, ha ha – *reaches the bottom of the compartment*

Red Robin: I guess… that’s got it.

Batman: Tim…

Red Robin: *staring blankly ahead* I remember now –

Batman: Tim, I –

Red Robin: We were on the way to the Iceberg Lounge to bust Penguin and his crew, and I was getting so pumped that I jammed my CD into the player, but you took it out 10 seconds into “London Calling”, crushed my CD with one freakin’ hand, and threw it out –

Batman: *swerves the Batmobile to a stop* Red Robin –

Red Robin: – then we got into some argument over how stupid my music was, so I got out and – and –

Batman: TIM.

Red Robin: What?!

Batman: We’re here.

Red Robin: *sighs wearily and grabs his bo staff from the backseat* Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. Let’s go kick some criminal butt. 

Batman: You won’t need that.

Red Robin: *frowning in confusion* What? *looks out the window* And why are we at the Wayne Memorial Theater?

Batman: I asked Lucius to help me put a little something together.

Red Robin: I don’t –

Batman: It’s not that I didn’t like your music, Tim. Just… bad mood, bad timing.

Red Robin: … The anniversary of your parents’ death.   

Batman: *nods solemnly*

Red Robin: Bruce, I…

Batman: I hope you still like “London Calling”.

Red Robin: Yeah, but –

Batman: Because we’re about to watch a 4D screening of The Clash in concert.

Red Robin: We’re not… patrolling?

Batman: How else was I supposed to get you to hitch a sweet, sweet ride with me?

Red Robin: *haphazardly wiping tears from his eyes* Wow. Great timing, allergies.

Batman: *ruffles Tim’s hair* Let’s go, son.

Robin: *puts his backpack on the backseat of the Batmobile, does a last minute check of its contents, and sits on the passenger seat*

Robin: You and Kent’s dad don’t need to linger, Father. Just drop us off at our HQ and be on your way.

Batman:

Robin: *checking the contents of his utility belt compartments one by one* Oh, wait! Pennyworth forgot the – Oh, no, he didn’t – Shurikens, grappling hooks, brass knuckles – Ugh! These dumb chocolate-covered “gummy bears” that Superboy insists I carry with me – *doesn’t notice a USB drive fall from one of them*

Batman: *picks up the said USB drive* Hn.

Robin: *still talking more to himself than to Bruce* – and I’m fairly certain that I’ve sufficiently sharpened my knives, unless Todd’s device was subpar –

USB drive: *with the phrase “bearable noise” scribbled on its surface*

Robin: – make sure to feed Goliath before releasing him. He knows which island we’ll be on and will follow as previously instructed –

Batman: *plugs it into the console*

Speakers: *start playing… a lullabye*

Robin: – and tell Drake to stay out of –

Robin: 

Robin: *angrily disconnects the drive and slumps down on his seat* You weren’t supposed to hear that.

Batman: Damian, I –

Robin: *looks out the window* No one is supposed to hear that.

Robin: *muttering* Stupid, stupid *while banging his head against the headrest*

Batman:

Batman: *reaches out to block Damian’s head* I’m sorry, son.

Robin: *slaps his hand away*Just drive.

Batman:

Robin:

Batman:

Robin:

Robin: *quietly* When I slept over at the farm, Mrs. Kent sang it to Jon while she was putting him to bed.

Batman: *glances at him*

Robin: It was annoying.

Robin: Childish.

Robin: *lip quivering* Weak.

Robin: *covers his face with his arms and bends over his knees, his body trembling* 

Batman: *places a hand on his back* You’re not any of that, son.

Batman: But once in a while, it’s okay to be all of it.

Robin: *looks up at his father and wipes his eyes with his cape, sniffling*

Batman: *reaches for the USB drive where it fell near the console and plugs it back in*

Speakers: *play the lullabye again*

Batman: Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve listened to something this relaxing.

Robin: *takes one last look at his father before looking out the window, glassy-eyed and grinning*

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

@tmntchickadee , thanks for the idea. As you can see, I, um, ran with it. I was going for funny, but I think it ended up more “therapeutic”. I love music. It’s intimate. It can help heal. And I wanted each of my favorite Batkids to have a moment that’s uniquely theirs with their father. (Bruce could use them, too.)

Sincerely,

a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes

Alfred: *dabbing sweat off his forehead as he emerges from under the Batmobile*

Alfred: *swipes a finger on the glistening hood, then grins with satisfaction at the absence of dust on it*

Alfred: *raises an eyebrow as he spots a flickering, red light on the backseat within the vehicle*

Alfred: *gets inside to check it out and finds that it’s being emitted by a tiny bulb wrapped in a note, which he spreads open as his eyebrow goes impossibly higher*

Note: *in cursive* “Enjoy the ride”

Seat: *jerks, pushing him from behind the knees, causing him to sit down, then reclines itself*

Batmobile: *reconfigures itself into a stretch limousine*

Dick: *entering with a tray of cookies* 🎵You came along just like a song and brighten my day –

Alfred: Master Dick, what on earth – ?

Barbara: *handing him a cup of tea* 🎵Who would have believed that you where part of a dream –

Kate: *tips an imaginary hat off to Alfred* 🎵-– Now it all seems light years away –

Jason: *tapping the dashboard rhythmically* 🎵And now you know I can’t smile without you –

Damian: *revving up the engine* 🎵I can’t smile –

Jon: *squeezes in with Damian at the driver’s side, to the latter’s utter annoyance* 🎵-– without you!

Steph: 🎵I can’t laugh *cackles* and I can’t siiiiinnnngggggg –

Ace and Titus: 🎵*howl in unison*

Tim: *zombie-walking after Steph*🎵I’m finding it hard… ZzZz –

Jason: *slaps him awake*

Tim: – to do anything!

Duke: *wide-eyed in amazement as he piles into the limo with the others*🎵You see I feel sad –

Duke: Hold up, I’m sorry, how are we all fitting into this thing right – Oof!

Luke: *elbowing him* 🎵-– when you’re sad –

Harper: *finger-gunning at Alfred* 🎵I feel glad –

Cass: *gives Alfred a soft hug* 🎵-– when you’re glad –

Selina: 🎵If you only knew what he’s *points at Bruce and rolls her eyes* going through –

Bruce: *clears his throat*

Bruce: *in a gruff and monotone voice* Alfred, we just can’t smile without you.

Clark: *lifts the corners of Bruce’s mouth into a grin with his fingers*

Alfred: *wiping joyful tears off his eyes* A vacation! I’ll be gone a week, my ridiculous children. You’ll all survive, as always.

Alfred: And might I remind you that this was your idea?

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

For some reason, I was thinking of Bruce singing to Alfred and Barry Manilow’s hit came to mind. Thank you, @tea-coffee-cats-law !