DC Universe’s Got Talent (America’s Got Talent), as host, contestant, and eventual winner – because judges from the Fifth Dimension could no longer stand watching a human with such inhuman flexibility
Gothamite Ninja Warrior (American Ninja Warrior), where it’s usually just Cass and him battling it out for the top spot and the “obstacle course” includes parkouring to the top of crumbling gargoyles and jumping off twenty-story buildings sans parachute
Jason
Alfred & J’s Potluck Dinner(Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner), where Alfred’s “Martha” and he’s “Snoop” and they host get-togethers for heroes and villains in the Manor kitchen
Hoodvs. Lair (Man vs. Wild), but instead of surviving in the wild, he’s trying to get past security in a new supervillain’s hideout week after week (guest-starring Roy)
Tim
BatFuzz Unsolved (BuzzFeed Unsolved), where he discusses controversial cases, such as the mysterious zombie-turned-vigilante wearing a red helmet, with his best bud and resident skeptic, Conner
Myth Boosters (Myth Busters), where he dispels/proves popular theories using the latest and most expensive Wayne Tech gadgets (and Bruce is a mere centimeter away from buying the TV network just to cancel this show)
Damian
Gotham’s Dumbest Videos(America’s Funniest Videos), which features clips of his siblings’ blunders during patrol (and him cackling in the background after he introduces each one)
Crikey! It’s the Irwins, and he’s actually with the Irwins (until his father reminds him to “Get. Back. To. Your Earth. Now.”)
– • – • – • – • –
Not sure if I did it justice, but I really liked this suggestion, @fleetof-fandoms, so thanks!
Vlogs about mundane, day-to-day stuff, like his frustration with chafing in a full bodysuit or what it’s like growing up in a huge family
Replies to comments on his videos once in a while, which makes him even more endearing to his followers
Titans, in civilian wear, coming in and out of view (Wally: *yelling from the kitchen* D, you still gonna eat this?)
Jason:
Weapons – care, reviews, “Top 10” lists, demos
Witness protection-level of facial blurring and vocal disguise, and a disclaimer at the beginning of each video to discourage the young’uns from watching his stuff
“Gotta go” *abruptly shuts the camera off as Bruce’s shadow enters the frame*
Tim:
Life hacks, conspiracy theories, reviews of obscure music albums, meme meta-analyses
Videos uploaded during the wee hours of the morning (with him sometimes forgetting that he’s still wearing his blood-soaked uniform that’s tattered to the point of being unrecognizable)
“Thank you for attending my TED Talk” *finger guns, winks*
Damian:
Meditation techniques, wildlife conservation discussions (guest-starring Selina and his pets)
Leadership “seminars” with Jon (who’s constantly rolling his eyes or snickering), sparring sessions with Duke and his Batsisters, baking tutorials with Alfred
“Father, I need your opinion on – Father! Wait, don’t – Come back – BRUCE –”
Requires all employees to regularly attend team building/group therapy sessions, many of which he himself leads (though most don’t feel “obligated” to because they actually like him and his programs)
Spends majority of his time at work mediating between his brothers, honestly
Jason
Chief Security Officer
One of the main reasons the entire company can sleep soundly at night
He’s thought of everything – from shatterproof glass windows to extensive financial protection strategies to protocols to take down shady bystanders dressed as clowns to –
Tim
Chief Executive Officer
Deserves an award for putting up with a certain member of the Board of Directors, who he reports to
Would rather stay cooped up in his office, working overtime, than travel abroad or go golfing with other executives (and his personal assistant deserves an award for the daily number of “coffee runs” done in his behalf)
Damian
member of the Board of Directors (alongside Bruce, who, in spite of constantly having to deal with headaches caused by arguing with his youngest son, cannot deny the teenager’s business acumen)
“You were saying?”, he says as he glowers at another member who’s clearly perturbed by the cow standing beside him at the head of the conference table
Flirtatious, even when he doesn’t mean to be (or perhaps the warmth in his voice, in his tone, makes you think so)
Ends up as a “therapist” once in a while
“Sure, I’ll call you sometime… Got your number right here.”
Jason
[You] “Hello? Are you still there?” [Him] *takes his hand off the mouth receiver and coughs up cigarette smoke* Yuuup yup yup, hold on a sec – *nondescript background noises* – So about that vacuum cleaner –
Actually admits how much the product he’s selling sucks and recommends better options
Tim
Disguise Master Extraordinaire (so much so that one minute you believe you’re speaking with Jeremy Irons, then Fran Drescher the next… Huh?)
Explains product features too thoroughly (making you wonder how many degrees you need to have or memes to be familiar with to understand what he’s saying)
Damian
“Sir, you would be an idiot not to – Did you not hear what I just – What did you just say to me – How dare you, you fool! – I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, SIR –” (and make no mistake, he does)
He’s reported, he’s fired, and he’s all, “MY FATHER OWNS THIS STUPID COMPANY!”
– • – • – • – • –
So, @lilakriger , did hilarity indeed ensue?Thank you for the suggestion!
Red Hood: Why can’t you just get Timbo or the Brat to do this with you?
Nightwing: Because @wingedskyes said that we were their favorite, Jay, so we can’t disappoint! *wiggles eyebrows and grins*
Red Hood: *exhasperated sigh*
Nightwing: Plus, Timmy hasn’t slept in three days and Dami’s… Well, I don’t even want to know what he’d do if I so much as suggested this to him.
Red Hood: Well, yeah, fine, but why this, though? What if I just spelled their name out on the wall with bullets in thirty seconds flat, huh? That might be impressive.
Nightwing: Yeah, but Alfred would ground us for life. Now, could you bend your back just a liiiittle bit more –
Red Hood: Hey, newsflash, Goldie, on this Earth I didn’t grow up all flexible like you –
Nightwing: Or maybe you could –
Red Hood: I swear, D, you twist my arm one more time –
Alfred: *walks into the Manor’s gymnastics room with @wingedskyes in tow*
Alfred: *stares stoically at Dick and Jason, whose bodies are contorted to spell out “W” and “S” atop a balancing beam*
Nightwing: *smiling proudly*Ta-daaa!
Red Hood: *loses his footing and falls to the floor*
Red Hood: *groaning* Ta-daAaa…
Alfred: *looks at the boys, then at @wingedskyes *
Alfred: Dinner will be served shortly. Don’t be late. *walks out*
Duke: *listening to the birds chirping, the breeze blowing, the grass being mowed by Alfred… *
Duke: *looks around the kitchen suspiciously*
Duke: It’s quiet. Too quiet.
Duke:
Dune: *narrowly misses a birdarang, which hits and breaks a ketchup bottle, and hears two sets of footsteps – one lithe, the other heavy – barreling down the stairs and familiar voices yelling insults at each other*
Duke:
Duke: *gets up, grabs his stuff, and looks up the nearest Big Belly Burger on Waze* Suddenly it’s too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.
Jason: *turns his seat to face @rayanyamor*And you felt the need to point it out because…?
Alfred: *conficates Jason’s Pop-Tarts and starts passing out plates of blueberry waffles to everyone at the table* Young masters, I implore you to let our guest have breakfast in peace.
Jason: Alf, wha–
Tim: *pops coffee beans into his mouth* But it’s a legit question, though.
Damian: *climbs on top of the kitchen table and brings his face so close to @rayanyamor’s that they’re practically nose-to-nose* What makes you so sure that we weren’t referring to another Robin?
Dick: *walks into the kitchen already eating from a cereal box* Good morning, family! What’re we talking about now? And where’s Dune?
Me: *drags my hand down my face in anguish* It was a typo. A typo.
Red Hood: Look, I don’t know who this “Jason” you’re talking about is, but it’s not me, alright? There must be, like, a billion Jasons in Gotham alone, so you’re clearly mistaken –
Alfred [on the Comm Link]: Master Jason, this chocolate bouquet on your bed addressed to *sound of a greeting card flipping open* @abundanceofopals, shall I wipe the bloodstains off of it or –
Red Hood: *shuts the Comm Link and sheepishly rubs the back of his neck* Uhhh.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~
He’s blushing so hard that he’s as red as the mask covering his face, trust me. Thank you so much, @abundanceofopals! You have a nice day, too!
Red Hood: Hey, @shywritersblogsworld , you know what else gives you life? The Lazaru–
Robin: *shoves Jason out of the way* Lame! Try using a Chaos Sha–
Red Robin: Well, there’s also teleporting.
Red Hood and Robin: *slowly turn their heads towards Tim and glare at him*
Red Hood: You did not just say what I thought you said.
Robin: That. Doesn’t. Count. Drake.
Red Robin: But I –
Red Hood: Didn’t actually die!
Robin: *fist-bumps Jason* Thank you, Todd!
Red Robin: I just cannot catch a break with you guys!
Nightwing: *listening to his younger brothers bickering* You know what? I’m not even gonna… Let’s just get out of here. *puts an arm around @shywritersblogsworld and leads them out of the room*
Martian Manhunter: *raises his imaginary eyebrows*
Batman: *glares*
Martian Manhunter: *shakes his head*
Batman: *keeps glaring*
Martian Manhunter: *rubs his temples in frustration*
Superman: So, uh, what have you guys been talking abou–
Martian Manhunter: *throws his arms up in frustration* Fine, Bruce! If it’s the only way you’ll go on this mission!
Batman:
Batman: *smirks*
Batman [to his Comm Link]: Nightwing, go get Alfred.
Bonus:
Alfred: *stuffing secret pockets in his waistcoat with weapons* Master Bruce, you ridiculous man.
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
He can’t spit fire, but he can probably out-rhyme Etrigan. Plus, he’s put Superman in his place at least once. And if Bruce’s ego listens to anyone, it’s him. All the Robins know this. So J’onn just has to concede.
Alfred: *throws hands up in exasperation as the five-course dinner he prepared grows cold* Well, the boys are off. I wonder where they went.
Bruce: Out of town.
Alfred: How do you know, Master Bruce?
Bruce: I told them not to.
Jason: *oblivious to the remnants of the scrumptuous five-course meal he just devoured hanging off the corner of his mouth as realization dawns on him* Son of a bat…
Dick: Right?
Tim: It didn’t seem suspicious to you? At all?
Damian: -Tt- Reverse psychology. I wouldn’t put it past Father.
Duke: Or is it reverse-reverse psychology… ?
Alfred: *grinning smugly while placing a slice of homemade blueberry mousse in front of each of them* Does it really matter, young masters?
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