Tag: alfred pennyworth

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

An Incorrect Interview with the Batfamily…

Batman: I have it on good authority that you’ve been posting these, quote-unquote, incorrect quotes about our family on this so-called… *narrows his eyes* Tumblr.

Me: *blinks*

Me: *shuddering slightly* Well, see, Mr. Batman, um,Sir Wayne, uh, Batwayne –

Nightwing: *gets up from his chair and hugs me tightly*

Me: Oh! Oh, okay. Wow. Thanks? So, um, do you have a question or… ?

Nightwing: *shakes his head and grins at me* I just wanted to lighten the mood. You know how our father tends to blur the line between an interview and an interrog–

Red Hood: *clears his throat loudly*

Red Hood: Why, um… Why the heck do you call me *reading something scribbled on his palm* “Big Brother of the Year”?

Me: Well, see, Jay, even though you see yourself as the “black sheep” of the family, I do believe that there’s some goodness in your heart and that you do care very much about them. I think Croc said it best: you’re a good kid trying to be bad, and – Are you okay?

Red Hood’s Helmet: – bZzt bzZt –

Me: Your helmet’s… There’s smoke coming out of your –

Red Hood: *gets up from his seat and speed-walks out of the room*

Me: Did I say something wrong?

Red Robin: No. His tears must’ve fried the circuits in his helmet. Anyway, is this where you live? *shows me a map on his tablet with coordinates to my residence*

Me: *wide-eyed* How’d you – ?

Red Robin: Don’t worry about it. Now, my real question is, is there a lot of coffee where you’re from?

Me: Well –

Red Robin: Like really strong cofee? *zooming in and out of the map* For some reason, I can’t get intel –

Robin: *shoves Tim out of the way*

Robin: Pretender! Where do you get the nerve –

Me: – to make you look adorable? Look, Dami, I can’t help it –

Black Bat: *grapple-hooks into the room and grabs me*

Spoiler: Alright, creeps, that’s enough blogger harrassment for today!

Batgirl: *whispering into my ear* I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

Alfred: *walks into the room*

Room: *falls silent*

Alfred: No dessert for all of you.

Everyone (including Bruce): *whines*

Alfred: As for you *looks at me*…

Me: *blinks*

Alfred: … we would appreciate it if you joined us for dinner. *walks out of the room with Batcow and Titus in tow*

The Signal: *turns off the camera and runs after Alfred* But I was just filming everything, I swear!

Catwoman: *comes in through the kitchen window* Meow. Did I miss the interview?

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

I guess this is just my way of saying THANK YOU for your continued patronage.

Sincerely *with lots of cute, little hearts*,

a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes

At the Watchtower…

Batman and Superman: *watching footage of Nightwing fighting a horde of alien assassins in Blüdhaven*

Batman:

Batman: *walks away*

Superman: Where are you going? Dick needs our help.

Batman: He will be fine.

Superman: How do you know?

Batman: Because I trained him.

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~

Batman, internally: Also, Clark, what makes you think that I’m not walking away to speak with Alfred in private and ask him to round up my other children to come help out their big brother, my eldest son?

Bruce [about Damian]: I have no idea what’s gotten into him.

Alfred: Really? He reminds me of somebody else I know… Let’s see: He’s haughty, stubborn, temperamental, and loyal to a fault. He’s you, Bruce.

Bruce: That’s disturbingly insightful.

excuseme-howdareyou:

After a mission

Alfred: Very well, who got injured?

Tim: I’m fine.

Steph: I’m fine.

Damian: Tt. As if those low lifes could injure me.

Dick: Just a sprained wrist, I’ll be fine by tomorrow.

Jason: *holding his shoulder which looks suspiciously red*

Duke: *leg is also looking suspiciously red*

Duke and Jason: Gunshot buddies! *High five*

Bonus:

Bruce: *limping away towards the stairs, a trail of blood smeared behind him* I’m FiNe!

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Batman: *studying a case on the Batcomputer*

Nightwing: *parkour-ing from giant memento to giant memento in the Batcave*

Red Hood: *aiming at the bats with his guns (”What? For target practice!”)*

Red Robin: *rambles on about his Multiverse theories to Bruce while dragging around an IV stand with a pouch of pure liquid caffeine* 

Batgirl: *taking a selfie while Spoiler braids her hair*

Robin: *approaching Alfred with Batcow in tow (”I need more pet food, Pennyworth.”)*

Lark: *Snapchatting everyone while ducking to avoid Dick (”Typical Tuesdays”)*

Batman: *finds it hard to focus, stops typing*

Batman: *looks at the chaos that is his children*

Alfred: *serves Bruce some tea*

Batman: Alfred, this is like a waking nightmare of happiness.

Alfred: *grins and walks away*

Orphan: *hugs Bruce’s neck from behind*

Batman: *grins as his daughter skips away to join the fray*

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

batmanisagatewaydrug:

tonight’s obsession: circumstances that lead to the Batfamily giving up and calling an uber  

Nightwing: *speaking in a hushed tone* No, no, B, look, just –

Nightwing: *hissing* Will you stop that please? You’re breaking the freakin’ door! You want to buy this nice gentleman a brand new car, is that what you want?

Batman: *snorts, then let’s go of the door handle and glares at the window*

Nightwing: There. Was that so hard? Now, relax. As I was saying, once in a while, it’s nice to let someone else take the wheel, you know? To just let go of that consuming urge to control everything and everyone and –

Driver: *eyeing them through the rear view mirror* So, you two headed to the Gotham Comic Con?

Batman: Hrrrn.

Nightwing: Yes, yes, that’s exactly it.

Red Robin: *wakes up with a jolt* Huh, what, where am I? Who are you?!

Driver: Sir, I’m your driver and you’re in an Uber that you booked…?

Red Robin: Oh. *relaxes into his seat, staining it further with the blood dripping from his suit*

Driver: *eyeing him through the rear view mirror* Costume party, huh?

Red Robin: *thinking about how patrol went and chuckling* Clowns, shrinks, hyenas… You name it.

Driver: Sounds wild.

Red Robin: *yawning* Yuppp yup yup.

Driver: Also, I just want to make sure, because it says here on the map that I’m supposed to drop you at *zooms the location in* a garbage dumpsite…?

Red Robin: Yeah, don’t worry about. *shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep*

At Gotham Academy…

Damian: *glares at the driver through the rear view mirror*

Driver: *shifts uncomfortably in his seat*

Damian: You’re not Pennyworth.

Driver: Uh, excuse me, Sir?

Damian: *narrows his eyes and whispers in his ear* He told me he’d pick me up. So why. Aren’t you. Pennyworth.

Driver: I don’t, uh, I’m not – Sir, I just – *shaking, sweating, and about to hit the call button after dialling “911”*

Damian: That won’t be necessary.

Damian: *gets out of the car and dials a number*

~ • ~ • ~ • ~ •~

Alfred [on the phone]: *chopping vegetables* Master Damian, I understand you’re upset, but it’s time you learned other means of transpor– Oh, oh, dear. I apologize, my dear boy. No, you were not being abandoned, I just thought– Shh, shhh. No more crying. I’m on my way. [*click*]