Batfather’s Day…
Batman: *opens a blood-stained greeting card with a bullet hole in the middle*
Red Hood [on the Comm Link]: Did you see the hearts? It took me, like, six minutes.
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In which Alfred gets teary-eyed from seeing the biggest grin he’s seen on his son’s face in years (and the card he himself got from his grandson).
Tag: alfred pennyworth
Jason: Hey, Alf, could you pass me that can of beer?
Alfred: Master Jason, it’s breakfast.
Jason: … And a piece of toast?
Bruce: What are you doing?
Alfred: *collecting all kinds of paperwork into piles and shutting down the Batcomputer*
Alfred: Depriving you of all stimuli. Time for you to get some sleep, Master Bruce.
Bruce: What? No, no. Right after you solve a case, you’re flushed with a success. We should double down with work!
Alfred: *walks away with said piles*
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
Wanna bet he does the same to Master Timothy?
Wayne Foundation charity gala nights be like…
Jason: I can field strip a .45 in the dark, Alfie. I think I can handle a bowtie.
Alfred [to Bruce, about Selina]: She solved you, you know.
Closet full of Batsuits…
Bruce: Yeah, I know it’s sexy, Alfred, that’s why I made ten. Now, arrange those by color.
Alfred: These are all black.
Bruce: Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black, and five in a slightly darker black?
When Batman tucks you in…
Damian: …
Damian: Pennyworth.
Damian: Could you loosen my blanket a little? Father tucked me in too tight and it’s cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.
Maybe he’s trying to keep you from sneaking out and going to Kent Farm at 3 AM again? *shrugs*
Tim: *mimicking SpongeBob’s voice* Thaaat’s right, ‘cause in this family you gotsa do your chores!
Jason: *scrubbing spray paint off the Batmobile while watching Alfred from the corner of his eye* Stop saying stupid stuff and come help!
Mornings at the Manor…
Jason: *following Tim around the kitchen* Lotus Bear Relax! I can smell it on you right now!
Tim: *slapping his hand away* Stop smelling my hair, dude!
Jason: Do you know how much that stuff costs?
Tim: I didn’t use your conditioner, Jay!
Jason: Then why does your hair look so baby soft?!
Alfred: *sighs*
Alfred: *adds “conditioner” to grocery list*
Red Hood: *dramatically takes out two machine guns from underneath his leather jacket*
Red Hood: *clears his throat, then switches to Tony Montana’s accent* Say hello to my little friends!
The Signal: Uh, dude, I don’t think they meant we should cause the riot –
Red Robin: *yelling a la-Tarzan while grapple-hooking from wall to wall*
Goliath: *taking ground-shaking steps around the Batcave with Damian on his back*
Robin: *laughing tyranically*
Nightwing: *carrying a crate of glowsticks and party poppers* Hey, y’all started without –
Nightwing:
Nightwing: It’s Alfred. RUN!
Alfred: *walking into a seemingly empty Batcave and speaking to seemingly no one* Dinner is served. If you wish to partake of it, I suggest you all make better life decisions from this moment on.
Alfred: And you – *looking squarely at @kittyofalltrades* – may join us.
Alfred: *walks out*
The Batboys: *scurries out of their hiding places and runs after him*
The Signal: *looks back at @kittyofalltrades* So, uh, you coming?
~ • ~ • ~ • ~ • ~
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