Alfred [about Damian’s piano recital]: Master Bruce, you have to be there! You’ve missed much too many precious moments in the children’s lives.
Bruce: What? Name twelve.
Tag: alfred pennyworth
Damian [about Jon]: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don’t want to come on too strong.
Jason: M&M’s?
Damian: Well, if I pick plain, he’ll think I’m cheap. And if I pick peanut, he may have an allergy. You just killed him, Todd!
Jason: *shrugs* How about Charleston Chew?
Damian: What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don’t just say stuff.
Jason: You asked for my help, then you don’t want it.
Alfred: Excuse me, Master Damian, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
Damian: Finally, a real suggestion!
Jason: *gets a piece of Almond Joy from the tray* If he doesn’t like coconut, you’re screwed.
Damian: I was sitting there!
Tim: I don’t see your name on it.
Damian: It’s right there!
Alfred: Master Damian, don’t write on the rug.
Jason: Hey, Alfred, where’s Bruce?
Alfred: Master Bruce is… resting.
Jason: Resting “brooding? Resting “shot through the timestream by Omega Beams”? Come on, help me out here.
When Batman tucks you in…
Damian: …
Damian: Pennyworth.
Damian: Could you loosen my blanket a little? Father tucked me in too tight and it’s cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.
On what it’s like working for Bruce Wayne…
Alfred: Actually, I value every second we are together, from the moment I squeeze his orange juice at midnight, till I tuck him in at two in the afternoon. He is not just my employer, he is my son, too.
Visiting a Wayne Foundation-sponsored orphanage…
Damian: Aaaah! There’s something on my leg! Get it off, get it off!
Alfred: Master Damian, it’s just a baby!
Batman: *lying on a gurney in the Batcave*
Superman: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, Alfred?
Alfred: Hmm. Better let him rest up a while first.
Jason: Timmy, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I’m not sure how they’re supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you.
Alfred: *rolls his eyes to the moon and back*
Wayne Foundation gala…
Alfred: Now, look, boys, the mayor is going to be at this fête, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Damian: Tough choice.
Jason: I’m picking respect.
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