Recently discovered Lazarus Pit side effects…
Red Hood: I was a dead, alabaster bad-ass, Alf!
Alfred: I am performing open-heart surgery on you without anesthesia, Master Jason. You are beyond “bad-ass”.
Tag: alfred pennyworth
Mornings at the Manor…
Dick: *sulking*
Bruce: *reading the business section of the Gotham Gazette*
Alfred: *taking Tim’s groggy face out of a cup of coffee he was trying to drink*
Jason: *cooking waffles while whistling an 80’s tune*
Damian: *doing one-finger push-ups with Alfred the Cat on his back*
Dick: I know I’m the only one in this house who actually drinks milk, but would it kill any of you to make sure it’s actually on the grocery list?
Batman: *enters the Batcave, half-naked in a singed and tattered Batsuit*
Batman: *heads directly to the Batcomputer, limping, dripping blood on the ground*
Nightwing:
Red Robin:
Robin:
Alfred:
Red Hood: Did you get in a tickle fight with Edward Scissorhands?
At a Wayne Charity Foundation gala…
Dick: What, are you allergic to a suit?
Jason: Nah. I just look good in a leather jacket.
And this is the story of why the Red Hood was grounded from patrol by Alfred until he had himself fitted for a pl"proper" suit.
Alfred: I’m afraid Master Bruce has left for China.
Hal: The country?
Alfred: No, the big pile of dishes in the cupboard.
Alfred: Now, Master Dick, be charming, but not too charming.
Dick: That’s like asking Superman not to be too super.
Or, you know, Batman not to be too dark and broody.
Red Robin: *with a singed suit and half his cowl blown off, dragging half a Ducati motorcycle across the Batcave*
Alfred: …
Red Robin: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to my room and wallow in what is perhaps the most disappointing day of my crime-solving career.
Batman: *comes home, tattered and bruised, to find the Batcomputer de-powered, his case files securely locked away (somewhere), and dinner in plain view with the words “Eat” legibly written in script on a Post-it beside it*
Batman: …
Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian: The butler did it!
Damian [to Jon]: … It’s one of those unsolved mysteries, like how do my clothes get cleaned and get back in my dresser?
Alfred: *stares into the camera like he’s on “The Office”*
Raising a Robin…
Bruce: Alfred, Jason’s having girl troubles. You’d better go talk to him.
Alfred: It’s clown troubles, Sir. That’s your responsibility.
Bruce: I thought I was in charge of bedtime stories and “dying pets”?
Alfred: Yes. Well, we’re adding clowns.
Bruce: Hn. Fine. But you just bought yourself “ear piercing” and “strange new feelings”.
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