alfred pennyworth – Page 27 – incorrect-batfamily-quotes

On the last day of March, thirty minutes before midnight…

Somewhere on the Manor grounds…

Robin [on the Comm Link]: *sounds of rustling leaves and scraping metals in the background* You’re going down, Todd. I’m going to fool you!

Red Hood: *stuffing a sack with batarangs and Damian’s underwear* You talk better than you fool, kid.

Robin [on the Comm Link]: Oh, I will fool you up real nice.

Red Hood: You couldn’t fool your cleverest brother on the fooling-est day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

In which, as tradition goes, Alfred already has the Batcave’s surgical bay ready in time for the first of April.

Tim: Alfred, may I go?

Alfred: Is your room clean?

Tim: Um… No.

Alfred: Good. That will give me something to do while you’re with the Teen Titans.

What would these kids do without their grandad?

Alfred: You must be at Damian’s piano recital, Master Bruce! You’ve missed way too many precious moments in the children’s lives.

Batman: Hn? Name twelve.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Batman: *climbs in through window with burns, bruises, and a tattered suit*

Batman: That was close.

Alfred: Speaking of close, Master Bruce, you are getting married in five minutes.

Yes, this is probably how Bruce and Selina’s wedding day is going to start.

At a Wayne Foundation gala…

Jason: *trying to loosen his bowtie and grabbing a glass of champagne from a passing server’s tray* I just don’t want to be here, Dick.

Jason: Besides, this morning I started a fire on the lawn that I really should keep an eye on.

Oh, is that what “Alfred – 52 missed calls” was all about?

Batman: Alfred, I was totally fine before Dick came into my life.

Alfred: With all due respect, Master Bruce, you were a dumpster fire.

prison-mikes-bandana:

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

When your adoptive son gets insecure…

Bruce: Dick, I wasn’t prepared to raise a kid like you. There’s no manual on how to raise a child who just lost both his parents. If there were, I would have read it a hundred times, cover-to-cover, because I loved you from the moment you stepped into the Manor. I just didn’t know how to show you.

… So you just encouraged him to fight crime alongside you? (Also, be careful, Batman. Declarations of love to Nightwing earn you the biggest tackle-hugs.)

If there was a manual there would’ve been no batman because Alfred would’ve read that FUCKING BOOK FOR INSIGHT

And Alfred’s like, “Fret not, Master Bruce. I wrote one as you were growing up”, then drops a six-inch-thick journal by the Batcomputer. A second volume includes his time with Dick, Jason, and Tim, and a third (and special) one, with Damian.

Dropping the Robins off at Gotham Academy…

Alfred: *wipes away tears and sighs* Your first day at your father’s former school.

Bruce: Tim, have fun. Jason, don’t!

He just doesn’t want you to end up expelled like he did. (Also, are you sure you want Tim to have “fun” at a place full of conspiracies, Bruce? Also-also, you know that Jason’s idea of fun is scouring the library for classics, right?)

Bruce: *looking at old photographs with Alfred* My sons used to be so cute.

Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian: Used to?

Bruce: Hn. Deal with it.

Damian: You are the worst vacation-taker in the world!

Damian: *stomps up the stairs, goes to his bedroom, and slams the door shut*

Bruce:

Alfred:

Bruce: *shrugs*

Alfred: *sighs, shakes his head, and walks away*

So your father left a realistic blow-up version of himself inside the tent then went off-planet to respond to a Justice League S.O.S. while you roasted marshmallows and waited six hours for him to come out and regale you with stories of his early vigilante days by a campfire…

He still loves you, kid.