Alfred: *walks into the Batcave with a tray of cookies*
Alfred: *stands still as a black-haired boy excitedly runs past him and out of the cave carrying a Robin uniform*
Bruce: I’m just trying to prepare him.
Alfred: For what, therapy?
Alfred: *walks into the Batcave with a tray of cookies*
Alfred: *stands still as a black-haired boy excitedly runs past him and out of the cave carrying a Robin uniform*
Bruce: I’m just trying to prepare him.
Alfred: For what, therapy?
Mornings at the Manor…
Tim: *covering a bruised eye*
Dick: *hugging him consolingly*
Jason: *heading to the refrigerator to grab an ice pack while trying to suppress his laughter*
Bruce and Alfred: *glaring disappointedly*
Damian: *guarding a platter of tofu* It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing! I skipped kindergarten!
Interventions at the Manor…
Alfred: *wearing a mask and carrying a vacuum cleaner*
Dick: *putting on gloves*
Jason: *filling a black garbage bag with piles of… What are these, Timbo?*
Damian: *pinching his nose and looking around in pure disgust*
Tim: I want to get rid of my stuff, but all my stuff is really good and I just can’t get rid of it.
Dick: It’s not and you have to.
Jason: Everything you own is trash.
Damian: You’re basically a hoarder, Drake.
Tim: *chugs a mug of coffee and stains his three-day-old shirt further*
Tim: Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else.
An Incorrect Interview with the Batfamily…
Batman: I have it on good authority that you’ve been posting these, quote-unquote, incorrect quotes about our family on this so-called… *narrows his eyes* Tumblr.
Me: *blinks*
Me: *shuddering slightly* Well, see, Mr. Batman, um,Sir Wayne, uh, Batwayne –
Nightwing: *gets up from his chair and hugs me tightly*
Me: Oh! Oh, okay. Wow. Thanks? So, um, do you have a question or… ?
Nightwing: *shakes his head and grins at me* I just wanted to lighten the mood. You know how our father tends to blur the line between an interview and an interrog–
Red Hood: *clears his throat loudly*
Red Hood: Why, um… Why the heck do you call me *reading something scribbled on his palm* “Big Brother of the Year”?
Me: Well, see, Jay, even though you see yourself as the “black sheep” of the family, I do believe that there’s some goodness in your heart and that you do care very much about them. I think Croc said it best: you’re a good kid trying to be bad, and – Are you okay?
Red Hood’s Helmet: – bZzt bzZt –
Me: Your helmet’s… There’s smoke coming out of your –
Red Hood: *gets up from his seat and speed-walks out of the room*
Me: Did I say something wrong?
Red Robin: No. His tears must’ve fried the circuits in his helmet. Anyway, is this where you live? *shows me a map on his tablet with coordinates to my residence*
Me: *wide-eyed* How’d you – ?
Red Robin: Don’t worry about it. Now, my real question is, is there a lot of coffee where you’re from?
Me: Well –
Red Robin: Like really strong cofee? *zooming in and out of the map* For some reason, I can’t get intel –
Robin: *shoves Tim out of the way*
Robin: Pretender! Where do you get the nerve –
Me: – to make you look adorable? Look, Dami, I can’t help it –
Black Bat: *grapple-hooks into the room and grabs me*
Spoiler: Alright, creeps, that’s enough blogger harrassment for today!
Batgirl: *whispering into my ear* I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
Alfred: *walks into the room*
Room: *falls silent*
Alfred: No dessert for all of you.
Everyone (including Bruce): *whines*
Alfred: As for you *looks at me*…
Me: *blinks*
Alfred: … we would appreciate it if you joined us for dinner. *walks out of the room with Batcow and Titus in tow*
The Signal: *turns off the camera and runs after Alfred* But I was just filming everything, I swear!
Catwoman: *comes in through the kitchen window* Meow. Did I miss the interview?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
I guess this is just my way of saying THANK YOU for your continued patronage.
Sincerely *with lots of cute, little hearts*,
a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes

Robin: *grabs @utazawa by the sleeve with charcoal-stained fingers and without even taking his eyes off the portrait he’s making*
Robin: Where do you think you’re going, Trespasser? I need a muse. Sit down.
Nightwing: Robin, our manners, please. Ignore that. You’re very much welcome –
Red Robin: *cartwheels in between Dick and @utazawa * Heyyouwannagoonpatrolwithme?Thisdarkroaststuffisreallykickingin!HowaboutApokolips,youupfor–
Red Hood: *maskless, throws the fan back to @utazawa and lightly pushes Tim, who topples over and instantly falls asleep on the floor* Hey, thanks.
Me: Oh! @utazawa , you’re still here?
Alfred: Might I suggest you stay for dinner then? I hope you’re not allergic to lobster.
Alfred: *on his way out of the living room* And perhaps you can regale Master Jason and me about Shakespeare.
Batman: *walking into the living room* I like these *narrows eyes* chill pills. *pops another into his mouth and heads to the Batcave*
An Incorrect Interview with the Batfamily…
Batman: I have it on good authority that you’ve been posting these, quote-unquote, incorrect quotes about our family on this so-called… *narrows his eyes* Tumblr.
Me: *blinks*
Me: *shuddering slightly* Well, see, Mr. Batman, um,Sir Wayne, uh, Batwayne –
Nightwing: *gets up from his chair and hugs me tightly*
Me: Oh! Oh, okay. Wow. Thanks? So, um, do you have a question or… ?
Nightwing: *shakes his head and grins at me* I just wanted to lighten the mood. You know how our father tends to blur the line between an interview and an interrog–
Red Hood: *clears his throat loudly*
Red Hood: Why, um… Why the heck do you call me *reading something scribbled on his palm* “Big Brother of the Year”?
Me: Well, see, Jay, even though you see yourself as the “black sheep” of the family, I do believe that there’s some goodness in your heart and that you do care very much about them. I think Croc said it best: you’re a good kid trying to be bad, and – Are you okay?
Red Hood’s Helmet: – bZzt bzZt –
Me: Your helmet’s… There’s smoke coming out of your –
Red Hood: *gets up from his seat and speed-walks out of the room*
Me: Did I say something wrong?
Red Robin: No. His tears must’ve fried the circuits in his helmet. Anyway, is this where you live? *shows me a map on his tablet with coordinates to my residence*
Me: *wide-eyed* How’d you – ?
Red Robin: Don’t worry about it. Now, my real question is, is there a lot of coffee where you’re from?
Me: Well –
Red Robin: Like really strong cofee? *zooming in and out of the map* For some reason, I can’t get intel –
Robin: *shoves Tim out of the way*
Robin: Pretender! Where do you get the nerve –
Me: – to make you look adorable? Look, Dami, I can’t help it –
Black Bat: *grapple-hooks into the room and grabs me*
Spoiler: Alright, creeps, that’s enough blogger harrassment for today!
Batgirl: *whispering into my ear* I’m so sorry you had to go through this.
Alfred: *walks into the room*
Room: *falls silent*
Alfred: No dessert for all of you.
Everyone (including Bruce): *whines*
Alfred: As for you *looks at me*…
Me: *blinks*
Alfred: … we would appreciate it if you joined us for dinner. *walks out of the room with Batcow and Titus in tow*
The Signal: *turns off the camera and runs after Alfred* But I was just filming everything, I swear!
Catwoman: *comes in through the kitchen window* Meow. Did I miss the interview?
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
I guess this is just my way of saying THANK YOU for your continued patronage.
Sincerely *with lots of cute, little hearts*,
a-wayne-at-heart/incorrect-batfamily-quotes

Robin: *grabs @utazawa by the sleeve with charcoal-stained fingers and without even taking his eyes off the portrait he’s making*
Robin: Where do you think you’re going, Trespasser? I need a muse. Sit down.
Nightwing: Robin, our manners, please. Ignore that. You’re very much welcome –
Red Robin: *cartwheels in between Dick and @utazawa * Heyyouwannagoonpatrolwithme?Thisdarkroaststuffisreallykickingin!HowaboutApokolips,youupfor–
Red Hood: *maskless, throws the fan back to @utazawa and lightly pushes Tim, who topples over and instantly falls asleep on the floor* Hey, thanks.
Me: Oh! @utazawa , you’re still here?
Alfred: Might I suggest you stay for dinner then? I hope you’re not allergic to lobster.
Alfred: *on his way out of the living room* And perhaps you can regale Master Jason and me about Shakespeare.
Batman: *walking into the living room* I like these *narrows eyes* chill pills. *pops another into his mouth and heads to the Batcave*
When your father and grandfather leave you and your brothers alone at the Manor…
Damian: *sees “52 missed calls” on his cellphone screen*
Damian: -Tt-
Damian: How irresponsible do they think we are?
Jason: *shrugs* Sometimes Alfred leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.
Batfather’s Day…
Batman: *opens a blood-stained greeting card with a bullet hole in the middle*
Red Hood [on the Comm Link]: Did you see the hearts? It took me, like, six minutes.
~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~
In which Alfred gets teary-eyed from seeing the biggest grin he’s seen on his son’s face in years (and the card he himself got from his grandson).
Because it’s almost that time of the year.
Jason: Hey, Alf, could you pass me that can of beer?
Alfred: Master Jason, it’s breakfast.
Jason: … And a piece of toast?
Batman: *enters the Batcave, half-naked in a singed and tattered Batsuit*
Batman: *heads directly to the Batcomputer, limping, dripping blood on the ground*
Nightwing:
Red Robin:
Robin:
Alfred:
Red Hood: Did you get in a tickle fight with Edward Scissorhands?
Mornings at the Manor…
Dick: *sulking*
Bruce: *reading the business section of the Gotham Gazette*
Alfred: *taking Tim’s groggy face out of a cup of coffee he was trying to drink*
Jason: *cooking waffles while whistling an 80’s tune*
Damian: *doing one-finger push-ups with Alfred the Cat on his back*
Dick: I know I’m the only one in this house who actually drinks milk, but would it kill any of you to make sure it’s actually on the grocery list?