Tag: alfred pennyworth

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Batman: *enters the Batcave, half-naked in a singed and tattered Batsuit*

Batman: *heads directly to the Batcomputer, limping, dripping blood on the ground*

Nightwing:

Red Robin:

Robin:

Alfred:

Red Hood: Did you get in a tickle fight with Edward Scissorhands?

a-wayne-at-heart:

The Robins as…

GROCERY SHOPPERS (sent by Alfred)

Dick:

  • Most likely to get stared at (for obvious reasons)
  • Keeps calling Alfred to report on available varieties for each item on the list and bargains for his or his siblings’ favorite snacks
  • Sings along or dances to the jingle while waiting in line at the cashier

Jason:

  • Most likely to stick to the grocery list
  • But his plan to “just get this over with” is usually derailed by a senior citizen struggling to put a heavy sack into a cart or a little kid trying to reach a toy on a high shelf
  • Comes home to the Manor blushing deeply and with lipstick stains from a grateful old lady

Tim:

  • Most likely to spend the whole day in the grocery
  • Because (1) he’s still groggy from pulling an all-nighter for a case and can’t mentally process Alfred’s list, or (2) he can’t help but research the toxicity profile of everything on it, which somehow leads him to cross-reference them with recent sightings of… (*looks up from his phone* “Oh, Alfred! Why are you here? Where am I?”)

Damian:

  • Most likely to sulk the entire time (“You do not send a prince to do a servant’s job, Pennyworth!”)… that is, until he discovers the pet section
  • Also most likely to be sent back to return everything that he bought and pick up the things that were actually on the list

a-wayne-at-heart:

The Robins as…

BABYSITTERS

(Let’s face it: they all need Alfred. But left to their own devices…)

Dick:

  • It comes naturally to him, a perk of being a father (even if he isn’t on this Earth yet) and big brother figure to people within and outside of the Batfamily.
  • Unashamedly reads maternity books out of curiosity.
  • Cooing, babbling, silly animal sounds and corny jokes. He’ll be utterly annoying to grown-ups, but absolutely delightful to anyone below the age of 8.
  • Gentle disciplinarian.

Jason:

  • Protective. Even from himself. None of his weapons within a one mile radius (unless locked up in a Wayne Tech-grade safe).
  • Doesn’t mind being vulnerable around young’uns and will indulge their playtime fantasies. (*to toddler* “I’m, um… *looks around to make sure that no one else is around* Red Robin Hood.” But Alfred is around. He always is.)
  • Reluctantly pulls out Shakespeare from a shelf when asked by a toddler, “Will you wead me a bedtime stowy?”

Tim:

  • Takes baby-proofing to another level. (He prefers that things be on autopilot because he’s a busy, busy vigilante.)
  • But once in a while he can’t help himself and goes into Kid Mode. (Supervillain who?)
  • Sneaks kids into the Batcave for a “field trip” when Bruce isn’t around (and Bruce pretends he doesn’t know).
  • Actually enjoys helping with homework (even if he’s lazy to do his own).

Damian:

  • Hates it… Then pretends to hate it… Then actually finds that it pleases him.
  • Because he likes having a protegé (“Master Damian, he is four!” But he doesn’t understand why that matters since he canonically started training around that age.)
  • Is secretly fascinated by Lego and other “children’s toys” and somewhat surprised that swords and encyclopedias don’t fall into the same category.

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Tim: *turns on his boombox and tunes it to an 80s pop music station*

Tim: *gets up on the table and starts dancing the “running man”*

Bruce:

Dick:

Babs:

Jason:

Steph:

Cass:

Damian: -Tt-

Duke:

Alfred:

Tim: I’m rocking so much adrenaline right now! My blood is basically Red Bull!

Alfred: *nods at Jason*

Jason: *tackles Tim in the middle of the “cabbage patch”*

Alfred: *waits for the table to be cleared of his grandsons, then lays out breakfast entrèes for everyone*

– • – • – • – • –

Good morning from the Manor!

incorrect-batfamily-quotes:

Red Hood: *leans on a wall and slides down into a cross-legged, sitting position*

Red Hood: *checks his watch, sighs, puts down his binoculars and taps a foot impatiently against the rooftop floor* 

Red Hood: *takes out his phone, opens incorrect-batfamily-quotes on Tumblr and scrolls through the “big brother of the year” tag*

Red Hood: *chuckles* I would totally do that. *browses* Yup, Timbo needs to sleep. *checks out the comments* That’s… nice. *looks to the sky as if he could use it to talk to someone from another Earth* Thanks… whoever you are. *scrunches his nose* And apparently… there’s a lot of you who think that I’m not too bad…

Red Hood: *gets up in a half a second flat, guns drawn*

Red Robin: *holding his hands up in surrender* Relax, relax. It’s just me.

Black Bat: *soundlessly stepping out of a dark corner* And me.

Nightwing: *hanging upside down and covering the eyeholes on Jason’s helmet* Aaaaand your favorite older brother.    

Red Hood: *peeling Dick’s blue-striped fingers off* Look, I don’t give a bat’s butt what the old man said, I’m taking this case –

Robin: *jumps down from behind a gargoyle and throws his hands up in frustration* What took you so long, Todd?! This whole day has been wasted waiting for you!

Red Hood: – gonna freakin’ bring down those lowlives who took Kori no matter what it – Wait, wait. What exactly is going on here?

Nightwing: *smiling excitedly* There is no case, Little Wing.

Red Hood: I don’t –    

Spoiler: *swings in from a nearby rooftop* Is he here? Did he buy – Oh, hey, Jay! Starfire’s giggling her orange-y, little head off watching you right now. *points to a hidden camera in a crevice* 

Red Hood: WHAT? But the leads –

Red Robin: Were made up. I hacked into your personal satellite. Sent some signals here and there, bada-bing-bada-boom.

Red Hood: How is all this even – I can’t – How’d you guys get past me? 

Batgirl: *rappelling from the Batjet with Duke* Because we helped them, duh. It was the only way to get you to come here today.

Red Hood: *takes his helmet off and rubs his face in utter confusion* I followed those leads for three weeks! I mean, Artemis and Bizarro –  

Artemis: *lands on the rooftop on Bizarro’s back, shrugs and hands her sword to Damian, who greedily grabs it* Just pretended to be pissed that you had to leave for your “mission”.

Bizarro: We not sad Red Him gone!                     

The Signal: So does he mean he was or… ?

Red Hood: If this is some kind of *doing air-quotation marks* intervention, you tell that arrogant, self-righteous, emotionally –

Batman: – inept, leather-clad furry that it won’t work.

Red Hood:

Batman: I’d like to give it a try anyway.

Red Hood: But we… we’re supposed to… we hate each other…

Batman: *grins and ruffles Jason’s hair* Hn. Don’t believe everything you read, kid.

Red Hood: *grins sheepishly back*

The Signal: *looks around for secret passageways on the rooftop and whispers to Tim* Where’d the boss even come from?

Alfred [on the Comm Link]: *clears his throat loudly* If you’re all quite finished, the rest of your family and friends – *muffled* Mr. Harper, once again, that vase is a family heirloom and was never intended for target practice – are waiting.

Batman: Let’s get you home.

Red Hood: Right. I’m starving.

Alfred: Please do hurry up. The candles can only stay up for so long.

~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~ · ~

I hope I’m not too late… Happy birthday, Jay!